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NEWS: 763-1459
CLASSIFIED: 764-0557
www.blowiobs.com

Jeopardy
January 26, 2002.


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Panel of seniors
educates on the
proper way to
miss class
By iundsey Aipert
Daiy StaffReporter
Feel like you're wasting your time away sitting in lectures,
and lectures?
Well, you ought to, because quite frankly, you don't even
need to bother going in order to graduate, a panel of speakers
from The Michigan Daily concluded.
"Graduating from the University without ever going to
class," inspired from a multitude of dead ads encouraging peo-
ple who hate to go to class to write for the Daily, will take
place today.
"This event was organized to let the masses in on the secret:
you don't have to be in class to graduate, or even get good
grades," said Daily Staff Reporter Jen Fish, who is one of the
panel members.
Fish would like it noted that she achieved a 3.7 G.P.A last
semester despite her sporadic attendance.
According to a recent Gallup poll, the average Daily staffer
misses an average 1.7 classes per day.
News staffers tend to miss more classes than other mem-
bers of the Daily, with an average 2.4 classes a day.
Sports guys come next with an average of 1.9 classes a day,
then edit staff with 1.5 classes and lastly the laid back arts
staff, who miss 1.3 classes per day.
"I go to class about every other day," said sports guy Mike
Kern. He says that he often sleeps when not attending class.
Daily News Editors Jaimie Winkler and Nika Schulte
attribute their absences from being sucked in by the black hole
that is the Daily.
"I tell my professors that I work for the Daily (to get out of
class)," Schulte said. "I throw administrators names around a
lot too:'
The method tends to work for Schulte and the professors
actually feign sympathy for her plight.
Winkler takes the equally effective e-mail route. "I send e-
mails making my days sound hectic," she said. "My scam-
ming always seems to work, possibly because I'm an attractive
female with large breasts." (Editor's note: She really is an
attractive female, and her breasts can be construed as quite
large.)
The panel will also discuss ways to get by without going to
class and to do well on exams and papers.
"For papers, all you do is look in the index for whatever
terms they used in class and put the quotes on a page and tran-
sition between them," Schulte said.
Winkler offers similar advice for tests. "I use the encylope-
dia to look up concepts from class and write about them
vaguely in my blue book"
Arts staffer John Uhl, who will aso speak at today's panel,
admits to going to 60 percent of classes, but says there is a
specific strategy to which classes to miss.
"It's all about being discriminting in deciding which class to
miss. I'll tend to skip big lectures more often that small dis-
cussions," Uhl said.
"Once you start skipping class you figure out what you
need to do to get by," he added.
He also notes that it's important to show up on important
days, such as days with quizzes or tests. "It's all about study-
ing the syllabus," Uhl said.
For more tips on how to succeed at the University from the
Daily experts, the panel will take place at 2:00 p.m. in the
Michigan Union. Participants can pre-register by e-mailing
slackers(rumich.edu.
"Becuase I probably won't make it anyway, all pre-regis-
rants will receive an e-mail about my day that scams my way
out of going," Winkler said.

Y4u ryhaeard>.. ,Enas ,daodincssndyuhvpobably
read our bylines. Bu youneversawrmany of ouracesuntilno..
We are the Daily seniors, Class of 2001

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R - / -
The goodlooking seniors of The Michigan Daily take a moment from their wacky last night to expose themselves to the University. INSET: Louis Brown, who couldn't get his ass here on time.
Daily investigated for many, many cult-like activities

By Jen Fish
Daily Staff Reporter
Student newspaper or deadly cult?
Sources within the Federal Bureau of
Investigations revealed today that The
Michigan Daily has been under "high sur-
veillance" for several months.
Following tips that the Daily is a cult pos-
ing as a student newspaper, the FBI plans to
break the group by raiding the Student Pub-
lications Building at 420 Maynard St. The
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
plans to assist the FBI, following tips that
there were massive quantities of illegal
alcohol hidden in the building.
Many of the senior staff members said
they had no personal life because of the
Daily.

"Being a graduating senior" said outgo-
ing news editor Jaimie Winkler, "and hav-
ing worked at the Daily is one of the
scariest things because - what the hell am
I going to do with myself? And that's how I
know I'm part of a cult:'
LSA senior Jewel Gopwani is in denial
that the Daily is a cult. "I spend 80 hours a
week here because I want to," she said.
"Sure Jewel," retorted Winkler, "Last
week when we taped you to the ceiling, you
really wanted to be here - didn't you?"
Others admitted they were forced to date
their coworkers, because the Daily is their
only source for companionship. This is
known as "Daily incest:'
"Hey there's nothing wrong with incest,'
said photo editor Louis Brown.
"All four of my college relationships have

been Daily men," said outgoing news editor
Nika Schulte. "I can't help myself, I see
how a man lays out a page and I think well
if they can do it to a page ..."
"I get to see Nika's boobs every day and
that's what keeps me coming back," said
former photo editor Dana Linnane.
The Daily demands almost unyielding
loyalty, said others.
"SubClub (an estrogen and mustard
fueled sub-group of the cult who subsists on
Subway sandwiches) said if I ever ate at
Wendy's, they would cut my breasts off,"
outgoing Daily Editor Emily Achenbaum
said.
When confronted with these accusations,
outgoing Editor in Chief Mike Spahn
denied that the Daily was anything but "a
quality journalistic enterprise."

Incoming Editor in Chief Geoff Gagnon
added that the Daily doesn't do anything butS
encourage its staff "to think outside of the
box."
"Why don't you stop by a Sunday meet-
ing and pick up a story so we can prove to
you we're harmless?" he said.
But outgoing sports editor Stephanie
Offen said that's how the trouble begins.
"After my first Sunday meeting, my
roommates started forwarding my mail to
the Daily," Offen remembered.
"I would wake up in the morning, not
knowing where I was, but would realize that I
was actually on the Daily's couch," she said.
Gagnon added that he would like to reas-
sure "potential cult, uh staff members get as
much as they give" and staffers are "free to
make their own schedules."

JEDD WHOREVIT ZDaily
SubClub, a group of the Daily's most intense Femme
Fatales, take a moment from their vigorous play during this
year's State News vs. The Michigan Daily game. Sassy,
Sexy, Sporty and Sneaky aren't they?

SAVE Ku LA!
HEY ALL YOU SEXY, SASSY, SPORTY
AND SNEAKY LADIES, THERE IS DANGER
OF KULA CALLING IT QUITS.
IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
DATING KULA, HAVING MAD
PASSIONATE SEX WITH HIM OR
DANCING WITH HIM "ALL NIGHT LONG"
OR JUST REALLY ENJOY READING HIS
COLUMNS
TELL US NOW!
I MEAN NOW!
NOW!

S

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