uicy 'Snatch' opens wide
anODurdy Sanchez draw raves at
Ilobes...Courtney Cox and Dewey
avid Arquette) go back to the squad
r and fuck ...Golden Grahams...so deli-
ouh...Playing at the Michigan, 7 p.m.
ichigandailyxcom Iballzinyomouf


~fitchiwn &Ian

ig

Trhis.

69, dudes!




THE SPORTY ONE

THE "HOT" ONE

Age: 23
Turn ons: Arena football, guns & skis
rular karate.
offs: Wimps.
Words to live by: "Respect the cock."
Please, explain the Tape?: "If you
don't got game, and you most definite-
ly don't, then you'll never understand.
The scars are for my eyes only.'

Age: 17
Turn ons: Huey Lewis and the News.
Nintendo games and boobies.
Turn offs: Small boobies.
Words to live by: "I live to love the lovely
ladies, yo."
Is there a special lady friend in your life
right now?: "Well, uh, well, uh, not as far
as you know."

THE FATHER FiGURE

THE HARD-ASSED THUG

Tougher than Backstreet,
The Touch grabs America

hotter than 98 Degrees,

Age: 21
Turn ons: Bitches, C-Notes, Tricked -
Out Low Rydz, 40 oz. bottles of malt
liquor.
Tum offs: Stupid people.
Words to live by: "Bitches is fine,
hzresis good, but all Dirty wants is
zin his hood."
1s there a soft side to Dirty C?: "Yo,
fuck that, bitch."

A.K.A. CLARK KENT

By Lester Bangs
Legendary Rock Critic
There's no doubt: The Touch is the
hottest force in pop music today.
But life hasn't always been clouds
and unicorns for the fabulous Floridian
fivesome. Their success, financially,
artistically and sexually, was hard won.
Dirty C, who had been in and out of
foster homes and juvenile detention
centers for the better part of his youth,
recalls the day he first felt The Touch.
"I was in juvey, and I got a call from
my cousin Santa," C said. "He was git-
tin' all up in some bullshit singin' band,
and wanted me to join up. I was all like,
'Yo, fuck that, man.' But then he tells
me 'bout all the mad bank I could
make. So I hit the Greyhound."
For his first day on parole, C met
with the enigmatically-named Santa at
a Tampa Bay, Florida dance studio.
"I brought him in mostly to bust
heads backstage," Santa said, "But
when he started freaking these crazy,
mind-blowing moves on the dance
floor, I knew I'd found the first member
of the group.".
Santa, a former lard shoveler in the
Chicago stockyards, had moved down
to Florida in hopes of making millions
in the theme park industry.
"I walked around in a Pinocchio cos-
tume, 10 hours a day, six days a week,
getting kicked in the nuts by small chil-
dren," Santa said. "In fact, it was imme-
diately after a particularly brutal blow
to my groin that I first got the idea to
assemble a boy band."
Santa began meeting with hot young
men, putting them through the paces,
watching them sweat. Then he began
auditions.
He was instantly impressed by the
dynamic stage presence of Chest
Rodriquez, a former Olympic hopeful

in the biathalon. Rodriquez dazzled
during his tryout with swift leg sweeps,
powerful kicks and an emotive, stirring
rendition of Neil Diamond's "Girl,
You'll Be a Woman Soon."
"I just take it one lap at a time and
don't get ahead of myself. It's a one
game season and we took it all. 'Hail to
the Victors' on three," Chest said.
Brock Lipshitz wasn't chosen for the
group based on his prowess on the
dance floor as much as for his all-
American Jewish boy good looks and
pair of bitchin' horn-rimmed, retro-style
glasses. He had the 'alternative' look
and feel that the band so desparately
needed.
"He's really got it 'going on' as far as
the look goes. Those specs of his really
give the band that sensitive Elvis
Costello, lie-your-way-into-bed under-
tone they needed," said Todd Oldham,
noted fashion designer and sometimes
guest on MTV's House of Style in the
early '90s.
"They're just glasses," Lipshitz said.
Sansmiopia and full of boyish verve,
Kris Kewle took the dance floor by
storm on the third day of auditions.
By age 11, the fire-red-haired Kewle
had won big on Star Search, toured the
South Pacific with USO shows and the
K-Mart circle on new Mickey Mouse
Club's L.A. Gear catapult tour.
"You've got to have five of them,"
Santa said.
A quick phone call to songwriters in
Sweden brought in the finest in lyrical
and musical arrangements -- it was
only a matter of weeks and several
voice lessons later that the band's first
album, "The Touch" was released on
Def Jam Records.
The first single off the record,
"(You've Got) The Touch" was luckily
picked up by a Los Angeles KROQ DJ.
The rest, as they say, is history.

by its pre-pubescent
Currently, the supergroup is on the Santa and Brock
road in support of "The Touch,"having opening their own f
-sold out every date on its nine month in Miami's South Bea
"Feel It" tour in less than six minutes. Chest is going bac
"Feel It" will take the boys through The Gold will be his.
every continent in the Western And Kris ? Well, 1
Hemisphere, including a live HBO per- his in-store appearan
formance from the US Army base in ping mall near you.
Antarctica. Perhaps the mosta
The future looks bright for The to sum up The Touch'
Touch. Dirty C has hopes of staring in erful presence in p
his first adult feature film, "Brutus their own words: "V
Gaglio, Italian Stallion: All 13 Inches." breaking loose, you'l
Is he clipped? You'll have to stay eye of the storfm.
tuned. touch."

balls
have hopes of
ashion boutique
ach.
k into training.
adies, look for
nces at a shop-
appropriate way
s pithy yet pow-
op music is in
When all hell's
1 be right in the
We've got the

Meet Gin-abblie en c

Age: Unknown
Turn ons: Mint jelly, Gin-ahhh, tapioca
and rocks.
Turn offs: Poops in a bag.
Words to live by: "I see you when you're
sleeping. I know when you're awake
I'm gonna find out whose been naughty
and I ain't gonna be nice."
What's with the belly button hair?:
"Oh, you like my Hairway to Steaven?"

By Benny Bojangles
Daily Slut Writer
Madonna. Britney. Rosa.
Malcolm. Next in this line of
female pop stars and civil rights
leaders?
Her name's Gina (pronounced
"Jean-ahhh"). And, boys, she's hot-
ter than the desert sun.
She's appeared in Maxim rip-off
MXG, jumpstarted countless fan-
tasies and bedded down with half
of the mid-'90s Phoenix Suns,
including Thunder Dan Majerle,
Tom Chambers, noted jazz musi-
cian and power forward Wayman
Tisdale, floorleader K.J. and even
supposed celibate A.C. Green.
Spent after her one night stand
with Green (he'd been waiting a
loooooooong fucking time), Gina
swore off sex and left the locker
room for good.
Gina holed up in her apartment
for the better part of 37 months,

writing and arranging her debut
album, "Mmmm.. .". Selling the
vinyl version of her album out of
the back of her station wagon,
Gina struggled for the better part
of 44 months, until her big break
came (and no, it wasn't sleeping
with Heather Locklear). What
started as a simple lapdance for
members of the popular boy group
The Touch turned into a career
changing moment for her and a
boner for Dirty C (so we're told).
The group invited her to open up
their summer tour, performing
before crowds of 120, 000 raging
Mexican teens. According to rock
critic Christian David Hoard, "The
Mexico City concert will go down
in rock history as one of the best
jam sessions ... ever."
Gina was joined onstage by for-
mer bedmate Tisdale who blew his
sax and added a few jazzy riffs to
her show. Yeah!
She denies rumors of coital

Age: 27
Turn ons: Mellow grooves, rose petals,
teddy bears, good literature and can-
dlelit dinners.
Turn offs: Christians.
ds to live by: "My word is my
What happens when the glasses come
off?: "The fury is unleashed."


I