>8B -* Michigan Daily - We~nd, etc. Magazine - ThursA, January 18, 2001
HAVE A FEW DRINKS, PUFFS, PILLS BEFORE CLASS

The Michigan Oly - Weekend, e

You're probably not going to take
my word for it. Most people probably
won't heed (or even appreciate) my
suggestion to go to class drunk and-
stoned. They'll call me "crazy" or

"preverted" or
"joking." And
these people
might be right,
but if I can help
convince just
Yone person of
the activity's
worth ... well,
then that would
be something.
Here's three
quick reasons to
try it (for the
doubtful minori-
ty):
1) Class will

John Uhl
Uhl Get
Nothing
and Like It

alive."
Naturally, that's not what I mean.
I'm talking about being impaired by
the effects of a variety of legal and
illegal drugs, "drunk" referring to
the effects of the socially accepted
drug alcohol and "stoned" including
the effects of any choice or combina-
tion of either illegally obtained or
unorthodoxly used drugs. For
instance, "man, Lisa and I took bong
rips before class and now I'm hiii-
igh" or "the way the Sudafed Night
Time and the Sudafed Day Time pills
are reacting makes it hard for me to
see the professor clearly."
"Why would I want, much less
need, to get any more fucked up for
class than I already am?" a skeptical
and inebriated classmate might ask.
Yes. Why do both? Why go to the
extra lengths to be both drunk and
stoned by class time?
Bearing in mind how difficult it is
for all of us to go to class on a regu-
lar basis, consider how hard it is to
go to class stoned. Hell, it's hard
enough just remembering where
you're going, let alone managing to
sit still for 50 minutes while con-
tributing insightful discussion com-
mentary with forethought and discre-
tion.
Yet, when it's all said and done,
you can give yourself a big pat on the
back, because it undeniably took

more effort to motivate yourself to
go to class high than it would have
had you been sober.
Thus when you're drunk too, it
takes even more effort than before
when you were only stoned.
Drunkenness adds the element of a
physical handicap to what was for-
merly just a mental one, depending
on what kind of pills you took and
whether they were blue, red or
orange. Now, while you try to
remember exactly where you're sup-
posed to be going, you also have to
concentrate on setting into motion
the proper physical actions necessary
to allow you to walk there, wherever
the hell there is
And that's hard. "So, what do I get
out of this?" my still soused and
skeptical comrade may wonder.
Moral credit. Things are intrinsi-
cally more valuable if you work hard
to get them. Thus, the class you've
sat through is worth more in a moral
sense because you had to work more
than normal to stay alert and incon-
spicuous.
Naysayers might claim that using
drugs before class is "immoral,"
when in fact it's much more moral
than just going to class as usual. And
the more drugs you take, the more
credit you'll recieve. So ... take three
tabs of acid or a few hits from the
crack pipe. Maybe take a quaalude or

two.
But moral credit isn't generally the
utmost ambition of your average
classroom waste-oid and anyone who
has gone to class hosed will tell you
that the real reason to do so is
because of the fear.
The fear of not being able to con-
tain yourself from unbuckling your
belt and taking a leak right there in
the corner of the classroom or mak-
ing fun of your professor to his face.
The fear of falling on your face and
crying out "Randy, I couldn't help it"
inadvertently. Facing the fear of get-
ting caught and smiting it.
Once this fear is realized, it can be
smote fairly readily. Start by taking
the necessary precautions to prevent
a panic ...
Even though the objective of this
activity is basically to get as smashed
as possible, it's still feasible to
overindulge. There's nothing worse
than sitting down for a supposedly
uneventful recitatior. only to begin
hallucinating about large schools of
variegated flying pirhanas.
Consume your substances liberal-
ly, but not without discretion. This
can be somewhat difficult when
dealing with the simultaneous inges-
tion of multiple judgement-altering
substances. For safety's sake, bring a
buddy so that each partner can keep
the other's debauchery within rea-

sonable limits. Besides, illicit activi-
ties are always more fun in groups.
Remember that you'll be drunk
and probably dehydrated, so bring a
water bottle for when you feel like
you're about to pass out. Also take
extra care to bring the correct books
to class, so that later on when you
don't remember where you are, you
have an accurate clue.
Also bear in mind that very few
people, if any, will have any idea
what condition you're in. There
might be one or two who suspect, but
chances are they're drunk too or, at
the very worst, watching with the
hope that you'll make an ass of your-
self.
You'll never believe the sorts of
outlandish behavior ordinary people
will brush off with a shrug. I once
saw a guy unscrew his auditorium
seat and heave it down a side aisle of
the lecture hall, cursing "the bees in
my shoes!" (True story.) He was
noticed by neither the professor, who
continued speaking throughout the
hubbub, or most the students there.
What an. I talking about? Am I in
class' I think I'm drunk. Go to class
drunk and stoned. It's at least as
rewarding as going to church drunk
and stoned.
-E-mail John at juhl@umich.edu
with stories about your first day of
going to class drunk and stoned.

CARS
Continued from Page 4B
United States in the summer of next
year as a 2003 model, Nissan claims
it is designed to be as "revolutionary
as the original Datsun 240Z was
when it was introduced more than 30
years earlier." Instead, this over-
styled, over-the-top sports car may
end up like its ill-fated 300Z protegd
from the mid-'90s.
U BMW X Coupe - If you love
sports cars vet demand off-road capa-
bilitv, your dream car has arrived.
The bi.. boisterous X Coupe resem-
bles the BMW Z8 on anabolic
steroids, vet boasts impressive
ground clearance under its 20-inch
wheels. Thouuh in a very early form,
this 2+2 super coupe is said to be
able to achieve 60 mph in about five
seconds - an absolute requirement
when you're tearing up the off-road
trails.
Acura RS-X - Acura finally
unveiled this three-door, four-seat
prototype replacement to the Integra.
The front-wheel drive RS-X will be
equipped with an updated 2.0 liter
VTEC engine linked to a 5-speed
transmission. but enthusiasts are anx-
iouslv waiting for the six-speed ver-
sion later this year. The front of the
RS-X shares too many design cues
(like the integrated headlights) with
its IHonda Ciic brother. However, at
first glance the RS-X appears to have
stolen some of the body styling of the
Tovota Cclica, the overall result of
which is in an unattractive cross-
breed.
Dodge Viper RT/10 Roadster
- In a poor effort to keep its designs
fresh ' and invigorating,
DaimlerChrvsler unveiled its proto-
type concept for the 2003 Viper
RT, 10 Roadster. Replacing its dis-
tinctive long, swooping side-body
lines with sharp edges, the new
RT 10 is a motley mix of Dodge

Stratus and Stealth front - and rear-
end styling tossed onto a copy-cat
Corvette frame. This new American
mutt also adds a wannabe Ferrari
hood in a poor attempt at displaying
pedigree blood. If this is an indica-
tion of Daimler-Benz's influence on
an American classic, please keep
them away from apple pie.
Buick Bengal-- Buick released
this firont-xwheel drive, supercharged
V-6 powered roadster with a
retractable tonneau cover to favorable
reviews. The rear seats slide back and
a third door on the driver's side
admits two more passengers. The
Bengal has an impressive front grille,
intended to look like the teeth of,,vou
guessed it, a Bengal tiger. With a
heads-up display and joystick con-
trols. the Bengal is similar to many of
Buick's previous concept cars -
none of which ever made it into pro-
duction.
Volkswagen Microbus -
Using the popular 1960's hippie-
mobile as a base, this concept fol-
lows the New Beetle in Volkswagen's
attempt to reclaim voung buyers with
throwback designs. The Microbus is
fitted with three rows of seating, with
the second and third rows facing each
other (in limousine style), each having
access to high-tech audio visual moni-
tors. Unlike its classic predecessor, the
Microbus' engine is in the front and it
features a much larger wheelbase.
BMW M3 Convertible - While
anxiously waiting for Bimmer dealers
to take delivery of the new M3 this
summer, BMW tempts the public with
the topless version of this super-coupe.
Its wheelbase seems smaller than its 3-
series convertible counterparts, but
that shouldn't stop the M3 from sitting
at the top of the heap of yuppie-
mobiles. Although its rear seats are
considerably cramped, BMW hopes
that people won't mind while being
catapulted from 0 to 60 mph in less
than five seconds.

certainly
much

WHAT THI

seem
more,

L'eisurely dining at Georges
(Read: the swanky It-eatery atop the
Pompidou Center in Paris), the inci-
dent happened right about the time
when my Tandoori monkfish was
whisked away to make room for my
incoming "haute couture" chocolate
tart designed by the folks at Yves
Saint Laurent.
Erupting within this sanctuary of
insurmountable style, the sudden
calamitous cacophony carried with it
the volumetric discreteness of the
Sonic Boom and was enough to
pierce the sophisticatingly serene
selection of Georges' house DJ.
"Bleep, bleep, blip, beep, beep.
bleep," said the ringer-reducing the
Costes Brothers' otherwise chic
compilation into a Super Mario
Brothers-like soundtrack, Table 16
franticly searched for the cell phone
they "forgot" to turn off.
Was I amused by Table 16's
embarrassing faux pas? A little. Was
I impressed by Table 16's cellular
capabilities? Not a chance in cell.
Had this incident been the first of
its kind for me, perhaps I would have
been more willing to accept the pos-
sibility that cell phone "On Off"
switches is indeed that complicated
to operate.
However, in addition to the inter-
ruption at Georges, my ears were
already ringing with far too many
other similar impolite auditory inci-
dences. From a break in the silence
of Midnight Mass at the Notre Dame
Cathedral to occasional disturbances
during Monday Wednesday Lectures
in the MLB, it seems that cell phone-
free sanctuaries are few and far
between and in grave danger of
undergoing an untimely extinction.
Now don't get me vrong, many a

time have I benefite
phone technology, whe
down family member
friends directions to my
abode. However, once r
cherished commodity
mid-life crisis crowd o
and the ultimate in teem
devices for protective p
'90s, in the course of

thus far, the cell
phone has
evolved from
necessity to an
absolute image-
based nuisance.
And with pur-
chase availabili-
ty as accessible
as the nearest
party shoppe,
the excessive
abuse of these
accessories has
made them
about a', stvlisti-
cally cutting
edge as the
banana clip. So

e
(

Me
K

entertaining than usual and, for once,
maybe you'll even pay attention.
2) The next day you'll hardly
remember that you went to class at
all. It's as if you never went! And by
the day after, isn't that just as satis-
fying as having simply skipped class
the day before?
3) By "drunk and stoned" I could
mean "drunk" as in "on the sweet
nectar of life" and "stoned" as in
"with the euphoria of just being

Ins,

while cellular chatter i
cheap, is it still all that c
Although the coloss,
phones of yesteryear ha
gressively replaced by
smaller alternatives, r
models, despite their wi
colors, selections and rir
ly much better than the
sors.
Tell me, honestly -
happen to answer your
"Coochie, coochie, this
it really necessary to ha
print phone and salsa da
Perhaps even more am
absurd than the 31-or-so

----rn--rn-- ----- ~

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