_r._- ..-...... 12B - Michigan Daily - We nd, etc.Magazine - Thurs , January 18, 2001 a w w w -wip T s -1w w w A STEP BY STEP GUIDE FROM CRUSH TO DATE You see them every day in class, utter an awkward "hello" when you p.ss in the street and push your way through crowds of people at a party getting beer spilled on you to catch a glimpse of- them. And you live from day to day with the knowledge that your crush will be nothing more than a crush until one of you gets up the nerve to do something. Yes, I'm talk- Lindsey ing about mak- ing the first Alpert move, asking tOr someone out, moving toward Get Out b e c o m i n g "more than friends." And while this seems so easy -- you like the person and they probably like you too - I've seen numerous people, friends and foes dike, get stuck at the very first step of forming a relationship. If you can't master this step, then why bother with anything else, because it all starts here. Now don't get me wrong, dating and relationships are supposed to be fun, that's pretty much the point of them. So then why is there fear, pain and anxiety involved in an activity that's supposed to be fun? Well, I can answer that in a cynical way, explaining that our bodies are jolt- ed with a massive amount of hormones right about when we start dating and it's just nature's way of messing with us. However, that's not the point of this column, so I will refrain from cynicism and address the issues at hand. The number one scary thing about asking someone out? Rejection. The big evil word. No one wants to be a reject, and when you put yourself on the line by taking a risk, the chances of rejection have just grown 100 percent. Does this mean you'll get 100 per- cent rejected? Of course not. It just means that while you weren't taking a risk, the second that you do, the chance of rejection is present. But, don't for- get, the chance of acceptance and the chance to move on to the next step have also grown 100 percent. So then, what do we do knowing that the chance of rejection and the chance of acceptance are both present and accounted for when asking out a crush? Risk-management. People from all walks of life, busi- ness people, doctors, etc., use this tech- nique to save their skins, so having human instincts, we also tend to use this technique. Luckily, (or in some drastic cases, hopefully), our tech- niques have evolved from the third grade method of passing a note in class asking your crush to check one box if they like you and the other if they don't., The friends' medium, which might have existed in grade school, still exists at all levels of the dating world, proba- bly due to its effectiveness. In the best- case scenario, you have a mutual friend who'll be able to give you the thumbs- up or the thumbs-down on whether or not to act on your feelings. If you don't have a mutual friend, you might be forced to cross enemy lines and seek information from your crush's pals. There's a plus and a minus to this strategy. Being the optimist, we'll start with the plus. Your crush's friends have the best interest of their friend (well, at least let's hope!), in mind, and would like to see them happy. They'd probably also like for their friend to shut-up already about how much they like you and move on already. Because of this, if their friend is into you, they'll tell you. The minus to this situation is that they have the best interest of their friend in mind and hold no allegiance to you. Whatever you talk about with them, your crush will probably find out about. Not that this is necessarily bad all the time, but if you are rejected then your crush will find out about it. Another method of risk-management is to pay attention to signals, body lan- guage and what your crush says to you. I think that you can get a pretty good idea - though not perfect - of whether or not your crush feels the same way. Of course there's no formula to tell for sure because signals can vary from person to person, but if you want to know what types of body language, such as if their toes are pointing toward you, they brush your arm while you're talking, blah, blah, blah, go pick up an issue of "Seventeen" and leave me alone! Ok, so you've made it through all the risk-management, you're talked to all your crush's weird friends and your heart is pounding through your chest; it's time to make your move. You may have noticed that I haven't made any reference to gender yet, and there's a reason for that. It doesn't real- lv matter who does the asking, male or female. Talking to both groups of peo- ple, neither seems to mind which sex does the asking, and both sexes responded that being asked out is con- sidered flattering. There are of course the traditional ape-men who feel that typical gender roles should stand regardless, and if you get rejected by them because you as a female asked them out, count your blessings and be glad that you didn't wind up stuck on a date with the lug. Now that the gender issue is cleared up, the method of asking needs to be taken into account. Typically, asking in person has been the method used most often, although telephone and even e- mail invitations are beginning to become accepted. I recommend that you only take the telephone or e-mail route if you have an exact tine, date and place of an activity, or else it feels like a cop-out. If you choose the face-to-face ver- sion, probably the noblest of the meth- ods, you're also taking the biggest risk. You have to come up with not only something to say at the spur of the moment, but you also have to watch out for trouble speaking (frog in throat, inaudible tones, etc.), excessive fidget- ing as well as facial expressions. You can't look too eager, but at the same time you can't look too with- drawn. And then you have to be able to keep your face in a similar position whether your date has been accepted or not. Most invitations should be kept short and to the. point. Of course you might want to make some small talk before jumping right into the asking out, but be sure not to have too much or you might lose your nerve, or it will look painfully obvious that you're too scared to say what's really on your mind. So you've done the asking and it's time for them to answer. Typically, you'll get one of three responses; "yes, "no;' or "no, but maybe some other time." The "yes" and "no" are pretty straightforward. You get a "yes," won- derful, good for you, have fun and enjoy yourself. Your risk management has served you well. You get a "no," oh, that's too bad. But at least you tried and made an effort and it'll hopefully be all the easier the next time you ask some- one out. But if you get a "no, maybe some other time," you're still not entirely sure where you stand. Sometimes they really are busy but they'd be interested in dating you in the future. This is sometimes remedied by them actually supplying an additional time, "I can't do anything Friday, but how about Saturday?" Of course, it doesn't always work this way, and you can't be certain if the time you suggested really isn't good for them, or if they're just trying to be nice and lessen your rejection. I'd rec- ommend either asking for a follow-up time immediately after the initial ask- ing, or else asking again on another occasion. If they can't commit to a time after the second asking, even though it's still possible they are busy, there's a good chance they're sending you a hint and it'd be wise to take it and move on. No one thinks it's easy putting evervthing on the line and risking your pride and dignity again and again, but the more you try, the better chance you have of reaping the rewards that can come along with dating. So even if you've asked and been refused. remember that there is someone out there who won't refuse, but you'll never find them by curling up in the corner of defeat. - Lindsey A/pert can he reached at Ia/p1ert awnich.ediu its Friday Live music, qreat foodfun peopleand incredible art. It' friday-it's what you've been waiting for all week! 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