OB - The Michigan Daily - Weeend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, November 16, 2000

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The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. M

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2001: Pornography in the presidential office

BMW backs up 3-series claims

It's been over a week since the
Presidential election and I'm sick of
waiting for the results. The electoral
college vote is hopelessly mired in a
legal debate that will probably last
longer than the O.J. Simpson trials.
Bush was barely up by 1,000 votes. he
was up by only 229, then back up a few

hundred and now it's back down to
300-some... I've got a headache.
Meanwhile, although it looks like
Gore will win the popular vote, it's
apparently unconstitutional and wrong
to award the presidency to the candi-
date who recieved the most votes. Mv
guess is that we won't have a new preys-

ident in office until after I graduate this
spring.
Should my prediction come true and
some sort of Constitutional crisis were
to ocurr, we'll need someone to uphold
the duties that President Clinton will
retire in January. In this light and in
celebration of Porn Week here at Daily
Arts, I'd like suggest that John C.
Holmes be the Interim President of the
United States.
You know John Holmes. rieht?
Johnny Wadd. ILong John Wadd. Big
John Fallus ... the porn star that the
Dirk Diggler character in Boogie

Nights was based
on. In an industrv
dominated by
women, in which
mnen are told
when, where and
how hard to
orgasm. Holmes
has been the sole
male to rise to true
John Uhl stardom.
I mean,
Uhi Uc' between Clinton
NOthng and Gore. wev'ce
had two dicks in

the White House for the last eight
vears. Why not consolidate? One big
dick in the Oval Office is all we really
need. After the w\hole Monica
Lewinsky bit, only someone of
Holmes' stature stands a chance of
being considered a more virile presi-
dent than Clinton and it would truely be
a shame to think of our next president
as being less of a man than him.
Worried about how IHolmes would
address some of the issues? Here's how
he stacks up to some of the American
public's likely concerns:
See PORN STAR, Page 12B


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Leading the pack of BMW's suc-
cess across North America and
Europe is the 3-series sedan. The 3-
series was one of the first modern
cars on the
market to suc-
cessfully com-
bine a luxury
and sports &'
sedan tiith
superb han-
dilin character-
istics> Since
then, . Beemer-
wtanniabcs like yea
the I exus
1S300. Airdi A4 Gautam
and Mercedes Baksi
C-Class haxL
sprung up in an D river
effort to give
drivers a taste of the 3-series' unique
powver and handling. For some enthu-
stasts. these cars may satisfy their
craying. But the appeal of the blue
and wihite BMW cross-emblem goes
well beyond driving qualities;
Beemers signify class, status and a
sense of panache. Bringing home a
BMW isn't just bringing home the
bacon, it's brinoin( home one of the
best cars on the market.
The latest product of the 3-series
evolution is the updated 325i and the
"ew-for-2000 330i. BMW name des-
ignations arc easy to decipher: The
first number is the series (3-, 5- and
-series models currently exist) and
the next two are the size of the car's
engine in liters (i e. 2.5 and 3.0 liter
in-line 6 c\ linder engines). You may
see a fe letters following the num-
bers. A" C" stands fo' a two-door
coupe and an "X" for four-wheel
drive (base models are rear-wheel
drive only) Special racing models
include the "--nameplato and
roadsters are designated with a "Z."
Letters and numbers aside, BMW
automobiles' success can be strongly
attributed to their incredible road
feel, control and drivability. The new

models are no different, but discrim-
inating 330i neophytes have already
begun to bicker, claiming there is
loss of steering feel from the previ-
ous gzeneration (see
iiww. himlmer. orj). This is awfully
similar to kids fighting over whether
new Keebler Chocolate Chip
Cookies really have more chocolate
chips than cvcr before. Only now.
these kids are 40 years older and
have over S30.000 worth of dispos-
able income.
Let it be kiowmn: Taking a 330Ci0
through a twisty, country road is
about a& close as one comes to feel-
ing like a blind man in an orgy. It's a
sensory okerload. If, however, you
are a bitchy blind man and search
deep enough for flaws, a slight
amount of understeer is perceptible
at higher speeds with Digital
Stability Control (DSC) on, while
steering at lower speeds is (insignifi-
cantly) lighter. These ideal driving
characteristics are obtained through
meticulous 50 50 front-wheelrear-
wheel weight distribution and a per-
fected rear-wheel drive system.
What other characteristics make'
the 3-series so sublime? Examine the
details. Take the steering wheel, for
example: firmly folded in leather.
the Lrip of the wheel is solid and
tigzht wx ith stitches discreetly restine
awvas from primary hand contact
Lexus' new IS300 makes a valiant
attempt to copy it. but falls short.
Even the Beeier's 5-speed clutch
feels confident. Lift is light with a
very progiressive take up in the mid-
dle of its travel. As expected, it has
excellent action and smooth, jerk-
free shifts are effortless. The interior
dash is deeply contoured with a stan-
dard, black, high gloss trim that radi-
ates a metallic shimmer when sun-
light falls on it. For wood lovers, the
Anthracite Birch option is both rich
and real.
Owners of current Beemers on the
so-called "E46" platform (323i and

328i) should hardly run out and trade
in their cars for the new generation
325i/330i, built on the identical
chassis. Notable improvements
include bigger, stronger brakes and
more power under the hood.
Although the numbers claim the
330i's 0-60 mph acceleration times
are comparable to the previous gen-
eration BMW M3 (6.4 seconds), it
doesn't feel quite that fast. But the
deep growl of the 330i is finely
tuned and the torque curve is confi-
dent throughout the range of RPM's.
The new 3-series admirably sets
itself apart from its admiring crowd
of competitors. Adding all-wheel
drive for the first time in almost a
decade is just icing on the cake.
Executives at BMW are finally dis-
play ing acceptance of the Japanese
manufacturing principles of "kaizen"
or continuous improvement.
Prex ious 3-series models were won-
derful machines. The 'new ones are
relentlessly better.
- Ifiou think Gautam kisses too
much German ass, send him an e-
mail him at ghaksi cIUmlich.edu

BMW's 3251 sedan improves

208 E. Washington
Ann Arbor, MI 48104
734.997.7030
Receive a complimentary paraffin treatment with a
purchase of a manicure.
Special good through Nov. 30, 2000



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