10B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, September 14, 2000
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The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. I
EcWeekend, etc. Column
EXCERPTS FROM THE LIFE OF AN OVERRATED UNDERDOG
Hitting the road, leaving only timae and tirn
I've had a tough life. Like many of my
generation, I was obsessed with Star
Wars in my formative years. My parents
nex er understood the utterly profound
nature of the connection between the
Trilogx and my soul, an alliance that
surely mandated me to possess the
movie's entire line of action figures and
vehicles. Consequently my requests for
each variation of Han Solo's figure fell
upon deaf ears. Can you imagine'?
The effect on my fragile mind was
stunning and I grew up to be a soulless
child (my' fav orite bedtime story in youth
was "Alexander and the Terrible.
Horrble, No Good.Very Bad Day" I felt
I could relate to the protagonist's angst)
and a downright dismal adult. Which is
why I tend to think the most fatalistic
thirngs about the nature of existence
when ridiculous things happen to me,
like cutting my hand up with a spoon.
Beware: "m going to cut your heart out
with a spooooon!" isn't a dastardly vil-
lain's idle threat, spoon cuts are quite
possible and actually rather painful.
But this is real
life, not fiction,
and when things
start to get bad,
they usually get
worse. Like when
I hit my' hand a
couple days later,
opening the just-
forming scab over
my spoon cut, and
later that night.
when lighting hit
the Daily's server.
forcing an obnox-
iously prolonged
stay by certain
editors. including
myself.
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John Uhl
Uhl Get
Nothing
and Like it
several years, finally becoming so frus-
trated with concealing my resentment
that I end up venting myself in the most
inappropriate forums. Luckily. now I've
got this column.
Check it out, I've got other stuff to
gripe about too: This summer I had over
an hour-long commute between my
internship outside of Chicago and my
apartment in the city. My freshman year
I made the mistake of attending a differ-
ent top 25 university a private school in
the south that was just full of pompous,
:lose-minded jerks. I had no choice but
to transfer, causing irreparable damage
to my image of the college experience.
And while I'm on the college kick. I
still resent li\ ing in the dorms. I have
nightmares to this day in which I'm bent
over a toilet wishing I had ordered pizza
that wake me up nauseous. HoW lame is
it to finally find freedom from your par-
ents, only to have an RA. snoopin2
around your doorway for the scent of
incense or the sounds of a few hallmates
prepanng for an early day of classes with
As you mav haxe gathered. I'm a com-
plainer. Not your ordinary belIvacher
either. someone who gets satisfaction
from the act of whining itself I'm not
happy until Il'e been annoyed for at least
WW COLE GE ACO M
ENGLISH EDITING AND PROOFREADING
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shots of Nyquil? At least you despise
your roommate and can spend an unnat-
ural amount of time pinpointing and
dwelling on all the reasons why you're
better than him/her. And it's not like
there's a surplus of time to spend on this.
what with classes and parties and wait-
ing for Wolverine Access and procrasti-
nating.
What'? Are you kidding? Am I actual-
ly reading this? (These are the sorts of
questions I hope you're asking yourself.
that is if you haven't already stopped
reading out of pure disgust. I'm a middle
class college kid who has had the privi-
lege of attending two top 25 universities.
and I'm complaining about feelings of
pent-up resentment against my parents
because they didn't buy me enough toy's
when I was little. Hopefully no one is
quite self-indulgent enough to take all
their carps out on the innocent readers of
a college paper But my ranting simply
series to illustrate the fact that in the
coming weeks I will probably be grum-
bling a bit here and there and that you
shouldn't take me too seriously. Sort of
an example of how much worse I could
be for you to refer back to in the future.
It t'oii rhiIA ol can complain bet'r
than J« 1> n d nour alcmpt to
ilh~ licnb~lwil
ROAD
Continued from Page 78
-plete. Be st of all. the weather is
ideal. Need I remind v ou what season
w e are entering? It's fall. baby! If
there's one good season in Michigan
(is that an oxymoron'?), this is it.
Incredible colors, ideal temperatures
and one last chance to see the sun
before the long hibernation begins. I
can't think of a better reason to get
into a car and just drive.
For all nav savers, the obligatory.
"you gotta stay in town for the first
weekend" is over, so what are you
waiting for? Classes haven't really
started, so you can't complain about
too much work (except for those
mcd students,,you poor souls). And
for freshmen looking to meet new
friends.you still have another 4 or 5
years --' maybe more?
So all I have to say to Nick, in the
spirit of Elwood Blues is, "It's 106
miles to Chicago, we've got a full
tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes,
it's dark and we're wearing sunglass-
es." Hit it!
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Sure, school's back in session. Bu,
let's face it, it's time for a road trip.
When you look back upon these fine
years of higher learning, there will be
few things you will cherish more than
your prized road trips. I believe my
friend Nick currently holds the highest
honor for the most awesome road trip.
Turns out one Saturday night in January
at a party at Northwestern, he and three
friends jumped into a car and drove 14
hours straight through the night to
attend the Superbowl being held in New
Orleans the next day. No tickets, no
hotel, no money. In fact, if the road
down wxasn't a straight line south, I
doubt they would have made it at all.
But they did, and through slick maneu-
vering (also known as distracting a
security guard). three of the four made
it in for half-time. The fact that one did-
n't make it in doesn't matter. What does
matter is that he had shotgun rights for
the drive back I can't tell you how
many times I[xe been out with Nick and
he's told me that story I listen because I
am jealous. Now it's my time to
dethrone him.
Destination:
unknown. But
I've got every-
thing else figured
out. Let's start
with the car. I've
got a '97 Nissan
Altima. It's blue,
Deep Blue. But
I'd much rather
have the new
Gautulm Toyota MR2
Baksi Spyder convert-
ible. Red, Deep
Daily Driver Red. Why do I
want a 1.8-liter.
two-seater Spyder rather than it's top-
selling competitor, the Mazda Miata,
you ask'? Well. when it comes to pack-
ing. I'd like to keep things simple. The
NR2 is a mid-engine car (a.k.a. the
engne is right behind the driver's seat).
That doesn't leave room for a lot of lug-
gage, just enough for a paperback copy
of Kerouac's "On the Road." I used to
waste valuable space with extra clothes,
only to learn that most undergarments
are easily reversible, thus doubling their
sanitary life. Hvgiene?You bet. A tooth-
brush fits nicely in the glove box next to
the Slim Jims.
Next, the music. The trip would have
to start out with an all-time classic:
Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride."
Some others would include "Runnin'
Down a Dream" by Tom Petty, G n' R's
"Sweet Child of Mine" and Van Halen's
"Panama." Nothing makes my bootie
tingle in the dnver's seat more than
imagining David Lee Roth doing splits
r
in his tight pants. (I dare
agree.) And no road trip wo
plete .without at least on
"Bohemian Rhapsody." Di
World" immortalize the
Queen, or was it the other v
I don't really care. I'm just
an excuse to bang my heat
driving. It really works to ke
from getting stiff.
With the car packed and i
I'd have to set aside some fo
erages for the long trip. Asi
tasty, aforementioned Slin
cockpit of the car should
ET'
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