10A - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, September 23, 1999


Football 101
ellow students, I have some dishearten-
ing news. With all the scandal current-
ly plaguing college sports, it deeply
s dens me to have to deliver this news
anont our esteemed foot-
b program. Andy
F r the past decade, L ac
t University has Latack
oafred a class designed
si'ictly for football play-
- and it's not eveny
imthe Division of
lin siology.
No, this class meets
behind closed doors, in
tie late hours of the COUNTER
evening. Not only does mATACK
Michigan coach Lloyd
darr know about this exclusive class, but he
fally endorses it.
!er those of you that are now conjuring
up some good, old-fashioned Ann Arbor
apgst over this injustice, allow me to help
y ;fill out your protest signs.
Si e class is called 'Media Relations and
tArt of Saying Nothing.'
=,chigan is but one school that partici-
p.$ in this NCAA-mandated curriculum.
Stmiar covert classes are taking place in
1Tnnessee, Florida and California to name a
fI The coursework is designed with one
Carr
considers
drive to
bakery
By TJ. Berka
Daily Sports Editor
'They can be found in bakeries all
over the country. People eat them for
dessert, to celebrate birthdays, or just
for a midday snack.
r They are so popular that they arc
mass-produced so that the whole nation
,aan enjoy their taste for a small sum of
money.
gut these confectionary delights are
also found in the smaller Division
conferences in college football.
Conference USA, the Mid-American
Conference and the Big West - along
with Division I-AA - are stocked with
these yummy delights.
Yes, scheduling cupcakes has been
iTe rage in college football for as long
is the national champion has been
voted on. But the spotlight on schools
Arkh as Akron, Kent or Cincinnati has
shone brighter in the last few years.
Why? Because the practice of fatten-
ing your team during the non-confer-
ence season has come under scrutiny
since the inception of the Bowl
Championship Series.
A good number of teams boost their
power ranking by dismembering the
nonconference cream puffs, often at the
expense of the 'power' teams that play
an ambitious schedule.
A big culprit of this love for baked
,,oods is Michigan's opponent on
Saturday, Wisconsin. This year the
Badgers. have played Murray State (a I-
AA school) Ball State - who went 1-
10 last year - and Cincinnati, which
lost to Troy State two weeks ago.
Wisconsin didn't exactly schedule a
murderer's row. But the schedule

makes Michigan coach Lloyd Carr
jealous.
"When they give me the AD's job,
we'll schedule just like that," Carr said.
"Michigan traditionally plays a tough
ion-conference schedule, but when
your schedule is too much, you are
killing your chances."
Ironically, the pastry-happy Badgers
are the ones whose national champi-
onship hopes have crumbled, as they
lost to the toothless Bearcats, 17-12,
last Saturday.
One reason behind Wisconsin's col-
lapse against Cincinnati may have been
the lack of fright which comes from
playing a not-so-tough opponent.
"I don't like easy games," Michigan
linebacker Ian Gold said. "They are
harder to get into and they are the
games I usually forget. I remember the
score, but I don't remember specific
details in the game. The end of the
Notre Dame game I will remember for
the rest of my life."
Gold also went on to talk about how
he dislikes it when teams schedule cup-
cakes in the non-conference season.
"I see a lot of teams who don't chal-
lenge their schedules, not to call any-
body out," he said.
But Gold, playing the part of a politi-
cian, refused to comment on
Wisconsin's scheduling practices,
laughing as he said "no comment."
Although Carr was told what his
middle linebacker was saying, his opn-

The Daily Grind
Medi i Relations and the Art of Saying Noting -

solitary goal in mind - teaching players the
art of the clich.
It is a rigorous program, and class partici-
pation is crucial. Consider this following
session that took place at an unnamed uni-
versity:
Instructor: Alright, Peter, pretend I'm a
reporter. What was the key to your team's
offensive production out there today?'
Peter: Me.
Instructor: Come again?
Peter: Well, I had 27 receptions for 982
yards. Most people couldn't put up those
kind of numbers if they had a Playstation.
Instructor: I'm sorry, Peter. The correct
answer is: "Well, we executed pretty well.
And although one of their cornerbacks had
no arms, he was a really tough defender. I
was fortunate to get open and get a few
catches ..."
And so it goes on every college campus in
the country. Athletes are learning to sidestep
questions as if they were would-be tacklers.
In the world of sports, an athlete's cliche is
his sword, slicing through postgame queries
with reckless abandon.
A question catch you off guard? Throw an
1 10 percent' in there.
Don't want to further piss off the coach
after he yanked you from the game? Mix in
a 'positive attitude' with a 'my role on the

team.' Stir gently.
This is standard procedure in today's
world of sports. College athletes are master-
ing the art of throwing together a few sen-
tences, complete with all the right buzz-
words, and leaving a question as unanswered

felt after losing to Michigan last season,
Dayne muttered, "I don't remember." This is
fine. Some people are just quieter than oth-
ers.
But %hen Dayne does open his mouthI, he
spouts cliches. Consider this Dayne
quotable: Ron, what do you guys have to do

as it ever was. It is truly something to
behold.
Actually, I can sympathize withL
college football players. Stillp
young adults, they are under an
unrelenting spotlight, know ing S
what they say will be heard and e
read by thousands. S
So it's tough to think ofP
insightful answers all the time.
When you're put on the spot, h
it's easier to say something peo-
pie have been saying for years. V
Especially when the questions q
you're asked are about as pro- y
found as yogurt. a
But at the very least, athletes p
should realize they can use the Y
press as a marketing tool, rather.

hen you're '
)ut on the
pot, it's
?asier to say
omething
eo pie have
een saying
or years.
specially
vhen the
luestions
,ou're asked
re about as
rofound as
ogurt.

to beat Michigan? "We have
to play hard and go out there
and have some fun."
Ronald. People want-to read
about you. You're a great
story. You could be the
NCAA's leading rusher by the
end of the season and yoLI're
definitely one of its biggest.
But you're speaking as if
you're being charged by the
word.
If I were a Heisman hope-
ful, I would work the media
like a congressman. I would
take up hobbies just to keep
the media interested in me.
I would show up to the

headlines. I could be the least-talented
media darling in the history of sport.
But, as Davne demonstrates, many ath-
letes don't hold the public's interest. And I
refuse to believe some of them are as dry as
they come off at press conferences.
They're just following the age-old rule4
the football clichd. A few basic guid'lin .
1. Use 'hard-nosed' and unity' in the
same sentence.
2. Be absurdly complimentary toward a
team that you know you will blow out.
3. Try to convince the nation that you are
not looking past Appalachian State to next
week's game. Bonus: Name one player on
Appalachian State. This will be a huge sell-
ing point.
4. Use 'one game at a time' whenever
possible. Even in response to a question *
about the weather.
Maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, col-
lege is a place to learn. And most college
players won't ever have to talk to the media
again after they graduate.
But if they're good enough to make it to
the NFL, that's where the real cliche-sling-
ing starts. Consider it post-graduate work.
- A ndv Latack jus wanted to go out and
give 110 percent in this column. He can he
reached via e-mail at latack(a nich.


than looking at it as an inconvenience. press conference in a cardigan and say that I
For example, Wisconsin running back Ron knitted it. I would spend time on State
Dayne, a front-runner for the Heisman Street building model airplanes and hand
Trophy, is a big story this season. But them out to disadvantaged youth passing by.
Dayne is extremely soft-spoken, as some I would join bowling leagues.
people are given to be. When asked how lie I wouldn't even have to be good to make