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November 04, 1999 - Image 25

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The Michigan Daily, 1999-11-04

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-128 -the Michigan Daily - Weind, etc. Magazine - Thur y, November 4, 1999

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VOTE EARLY AND OFTEN BEFORE HIS BRAINS SOFTEN

Campus parking not for the fainthearted, with no r

I wish I was the mayor of Ann Arbor.
Of course, I'm not implying that cur-
rent mayor Ingrid Sheldon (that is our
mayor, right?) isn't doing a fine job. On
the contrary, I think our city is functions
in a rather respectable and tranquil man-
ner.
But respectable and tranquil are adjec-
tives that usually precede the phrase
"senior citizen community."
Ann Arbor is a college town populat-
ed primarily with (gasp!) college kids,
and I think that this younger demograph-
ic deserves a fresher, hipper leadership
perspective.
Enter Mayor Kula (though consider-
ing the inane direction this column

appears to be heading, I wouldn't squeal
too loud should the voters see fit to title
me "Mayor McCheese").
Eschewing the traditional bipartisan
political system, I would run under the
upstart Funk Party banner, promising to
lead Ann Arbor as "one city under a
g'roove." And once elected, I'd ensure
some changes to the bustling metropolis
that is A-Squared (cue a remix of David
Bowie's "Changes" as the background
music for the following sequence)...
As a way of increasing cultural
awareness among Ann Arbor citizens, I
would establish a social quarantine on
most of the Hill area, effectively turning

sealed-off Mary Markley and Alice
Lloyd Residence Halls into a scientifi-
cally calibrated "East Coast habitation
environment."
Local elementary schools could
bring young and naive Midwesterners on
field trips to see the storied New Yorkers
in the simulated living condition of their
residence halls. You know,sort of like the
reptile house at the zoo, only scarier.
Student: Ms. McCartney, is that really
a city girl?
Teacher: No, Alphonse, she's from
Long Island - an even more sinister
species. Don't get too close, Roderick,
she can and will bite, and her brown lip-
stick is incredibly toxic.

I I-

I

To boost tourism, I would initiate a
sister-city relationship with New Orleans
(once I ditched the half-dozen lame
mooch cities we're stuck with now). As
part of this agreement, we would design
a holiday called Kula Gras which would
take place exactly six months after Mardi
Gras.
The clever angle?
Six times the a
drunken celebra-
tion, six times the
crazy, bead-toss-
ing revelers and,
in the proud, cast-
your-clothes-to-
the-wind tradi-
tion of the Naked
Mile, about sixty
times the nudity
(and probably
sixty times the Chris Kula
shifty old men Unsung
with high-pow-
ered zoom lens- Ann Arbor
es, too).
Plus, as a special celebrity attraction,
Richard Dean Anderson (TV's
"MacGyver") would act as the honorary
parade marshal. Beat that, Big Easy!
Ann Arbor would take to Kula Gras
like a Spartan to farm machinery - or
perhaps even, given the insidious nature
of the holiday, like a Spartan to farm ani-
mals.
Putting my mayoral power to use, I
would put out a death warrant on the life
of international singing sensation and
former "Knight Rider" star David
Hasselhoff. I would soon thereafter rel-
ish mv status as the most hated man in
Germany.
To fight the stress of everyday life,
the city would set aside one week out of
every year for its annual "Sporty Good
Time Fun Days" (man, I sure hope that
name fully conveys the sense of merri-
ment I'm going for). Making full use of
the University's resources, we'd turn the
campus into a giant theme park, matched
in epic proportions only perhaps by
EuroDisney.
Among other amusements, Burton
Tower would be used for large-scale rock
climbing, Canham Natorium would be

converted into a huge mud-wrestling pit
(perfect for sorority rush activities) and
Crisler Arena would be turned into a'
'70s era roller disco, complete with a
massive mirror ball hanging from the
scoreboard, a DJ spinning a nonstop loop
of the Tramps' "Disco Inferno" and, for
the gentlemen, an appearance by the
incredible/edible Heather Graham. Ms.
Graham would reprise her "Rollergirl"
role from "Boogie Nights."
(Incidentally, the anonymous sugges-
tion of stocking the Arb with big-game
animals and letting carnivore/rocker Ted
Nugent lead a two-day seminar titled
"Sightin', Shootin' and Eatin': A
Millennium-Compliant Guide to
Hunting" would be vehemently and cat-
egorically rejected.)
O To establish a greater sense of safe-
tv at night (you know, because the corner
of Hill and Washtenaw becomes such a
violent ghetto wasteland after the sun
goes down), I would employ a Safewalk-
style program staffed solely by the
creepiest character actors in Hollywood
fi. I I.
C'mon, do you think that any right-
minded sexual deviant (as opposed to
those very rare mentally-unstable sexual
deviants) is going to prey upon a young
lady accompanied down the street by
Christopher Walken, Gary Busey and
Dennis Hopper? I think not.
And while we're speaking of Ann
Arbor, fringe actors and disturbing per-
sonality disorders, I think I would
appoint a committee of Hollywood
Charlie "No, that's Martin you're think-
ing of" Sheen and Andy "Crack Whore"
Dick to deal with the city's Y2K prob-
lem.
I'm referring, of course, to making
party plans for New Year's Eve '99,
because any shindig with those two at
the helm is sure to usher us all into a state
of oblivion, regardless of any petty little
computer problems.
So at the voting booths, think Kula.
And then, for your own sake, think
again.

By Alana Steingold
Daily Arts Writer
How many times can one circle
campus and its neighboring streets
before finding a parking spot -
make that a legal one? You might be
surprised! It can take an hour or
more of circling around, up and
down blocks in search of a place to
park. Parking on campus and around
Ann Arbor continues to be a cause
for contention among many of the
students, faculty, and visitors to the
University.
A parking program was first estab-
lished in 1955 by the regents in
accordance with the constitution and
statutes of the state of Michigan.
However,"Parking at the University
Ann Arbor campus is extremely lim-
ited. We strongly discourage students
from bringing a vehicle to campus."
This is the official recommendation
of the Parking and Transportation
Services.
But students, faculty and staff con-
tinue to bring their vehicles to cam-
pus, and parking continues to be a
problem throughout the University
and the city of Ann Arbor. Ann Arbor
has its own Transportation
Department that is charged with
maintaining/operating the street sys-
tem, municipal parking facilities and
more.
In 1982, the city created a commit-
tee and called it the Downtown
Development Authority (DDA). It
consists of 12 citizens appointed by
the mayor and city council to pro-
mote the economic health and
growth of the downtown commercial
district. The DDA mainly concen-

trates on providing parking and
pedestrian improvements, and is
charged with all repairs, alterations
and enhancements to these facilities
that are deemed necessary. (Lately,
the DDA has been mostly consumed
with renovating the Maynard Street
parking garage.)
When both the University and the
city have parking departments and
programs, why is there still a short-
age of parking spots for nearly all
drivers?
Within the University, different
offices are responsible for the park-
ing of different groups. For example,
the Board of Regents determines the
number of spots allocated and rates
charged to the faculty and staff.
University Housing is in charge of
all parking for the residence halls,
and the Executive VP and Chief
Financial Officer of the University
handle everything else on campus.
Because of the limited number of
parking structures and spots on cam-
pus, those who do in fact receive
parking permits must meet several
requisite conditions to park. And as
the number of motor vehicles
increases, so do the restrictions and
caps on the number of available per-
mits. Curiously, it appears to some as
though more structures are being
closed than opened.
Parking is even an issue for the
handicapped. Handicapped parking
is available in all University lots and
structures in accordance with the
Americans with Disabilities Act. But
University parking services recog-
nize that the designated handicapped
parking provided in University lots

and structures may not meet all
needs. That opens the Handicap
Parking Assistance Program, estab-
lished to accomodate those with
exceptional needs, to accusations of
failure.
Are there any solutions in sight?
The University does give the option
of the Ann Arbor Transportation
Authority (AATA) Park and Ride,
which gives students a place to park
their cars off campus. But this does
not satisfy many students who said
they only brought cars because they
want them easily accessible.
"Parking is more of a hassle than
anything," said Holly Hoeft, an LSA
junior. Hoeft recalled learning that
lesson the hard way her freshman
year. She continued, "(I got) over
S500 in tickets, and had my car
towed many times."
It seems as though many students
opt to just pay off parking tickets for
expired meters that range from $5 to
S15 (depending on how long they
wait to pay) instead of going through
the hassle of trying to obtain a per-
mit. Other parking violations carry
higher penalties, most in the neigh-
borhood of S25 - which still can
seem trifling compared to the
pruchase of parking spots at private
locations. For those who can't meet
the requirements for the University's
Blue or Gold lots, purchasing a park-
ing spot may cost up to $200 a
month.
LSA sophomore Beth Halpern
does have a car on campus and called
it "an added convenience." Even
though she acknowledged cars are
"not necessary, and are a luxury, it is

Emerson String Quartet
Friday, November 5, 8 p.m.
Rackham Auditorium

After a while, time spent circling
still worth it," in her opinion
her vehicle to the growin
Halpern has invested in a s
$225 a semester, and still she
feel she's found convenient a
dations.
"It's a pain to have to walk
10 minutes to go pick up r
Halpern said, "when I only u
average once a week."
Halpert may be enduring ai

Performing tmitri Shostakovich's
final three quartets!

American String Quartet
Beethoven the Contemporary
Sunday, November 7, 4 p.m.
Rackham Auditorium

Weekend, etc. wants to be your friend. Be nice t<

-Chr~is Kula
cA~iila( ciumichxcdu
undIermines the

can he re~ache'd at
- fr now, until he
entire demnocratic

Beethoven
Crawford
Beethoven

PROGRAM:
Quartet in c minor, Op. 18 No. 4
Quartet
Quartet in E-flat Major, Op. 74

process as we know it.

Les Arts Florissants
Purcells. King Arthur
Wednesday, November 10, 8 p.m.
Hill Auditorium
Witness a rare, historic reconstruction of one of
Purcell's multi-media extravaganzas as Les Arts
Florissants celebrates its 20th anniversary with a
semi-staged semi-opera.

1

$1.00 V

Happy
1/2 Of
$2.75S

vVELL DRINKS
Hour 7-11
f Everything
Stoli Drinks & Corona's
Kettle 1 Drinks
Pitchers
- - 4 7'7-

-4

$2.50 t
$3.50 P
I-

University Musical Society 764.2538

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