16B -@he Michigan Daily - We nd, etc. Magazine - Thurgy, November 4, 1999
WHY STUDY WHEN You CAN HAVE SOME REAL PHUN?
All through high school, I had the
burning ambition to be in a band. For
a while, I was the lead singer of a
group that was more ambitious than it
was talented. I was a terrible lead
singer, and as a group, we didn't
sound so good. Like every high
schooler who saddles up, so to speak,
I was probably thinking that being in
a band was the perfect road to popu-
larity, not to mention fame and for-
Just recently, though, I've come to
'realize that it's not just any band that
can bring an average white male
fame, fortune and popularity. If you
want it all - the cars, the houses, the
screaming pre-pubescent girls, there's
only one musical path to follow.
That's right, the Velveeta-smooth
sounds of the all-boy pop band.
As music editor of this fine publi-
cation, it has fallen upon me to keep
abreast of general trends in the popu-
lar music scene. As of late, I've
noticed a glut of "Boy Bands" domi-
nating the airwaves of both radio and
television. It seems obvious that these
formulaic groups of semi-attractive
young men are guaranteed cash cows,
grazing on lush fields of American
I've decided, here and now, to form
a boy band of my own. While I don't
have a name for the group yet, I'm
thinking of something that uses the
letter 'z' in place of an 's,' or possibly
the letters 'ph' where a good old .f'
would usually fit (i.e. phun instead of
fun, and boyz instead of boys).
Imagine the possiblites. Whatever the
band's name, I think I've got a formu-
la nailed down that will make this
group the single greatest collection of
twenty-something hotties east of the
Actually, I'm writing this column
as a sort of pre-audition announce-
ment. Like most college students, I'm
a bit strapped for cash. In the near
future, I'm planning on holding audi-
tions for my up-and-coming group of
superstars. Once they've received the
proper training and are under contract
for my management, I'll be all set.
With my boys (or will it be boyz?) out
there touring the globe, I figure I'll be
able to sit on my ass for the rest of my
tanned pieces of
you a sizable
chunk of change
for a few years
like a bad way
to earn a living,
ested in joining
need only meet
few criteria to
qualify for the
at a location
which will be held
near you to be
Ou 0Y AEcutie
display advertising deprtment
would like to thank
for their dCnation.
announced (probably a dance studio)
on a date that has yet to be determined.
You must be male (or else be a
very studly female).
* Don't be opposed to changing
your name, hair color, facial features
or basic identity in any way. The
credo of this group is simple: "Image
is God, there is none higher." It does-
n't hurt to like wearing make-up,
either. You could be selected to
become the one with the "crazy hair"
or the tattoo, so be prepared.
If you can't sing, that's ok. This
band isn't really in the business of
making music anyway. Don't let a
voice that your friends call "squeaky"
or "annoying as all hell" stop you
from auditioning. You can always be
trained to sing. Or not. After all, it's
not the sound that comes out that
counts - you'll be lip-synching any-
way. And be prepared to use the word
"girl" in every song you pretend to
sing. Especially when combined with
other short words to create expres-
sions like "Awh, girl, now you know I
Along the same lines, if you have
any songwriting talent, you are not, I
repeat, not eligible for membership in
this band. There are plenty of desper-
ate people out there who write highly
annoying songs for a living, and deny
you the publishing royalties. You
don't want to have too much control
over your performances, now do you?
Dancing, in most instances, is
much more important than singing. A
few solid moves nearly.assures you a
spot in the group. Bonus points to
anyone who can choreograph a rou-
tine for five people that incorporates
folding chairs or other props.
* If you're opposed to wearing silk
shirts, name-brand clothing or strut-
ting your stuff without a shirt on at
all, don't bother showing up to the
casting call. You should also be com-
fortable sporting this type of attire on
beaches and in airplane hangars.
An absolute love for the 10to 15-
year-old female demographic is
absolutely fundamental. Remember,
they're the ones that get their parents
to buy the records. Essentially, they
pay the bills. And they're also the
ones that hold up the signs that read "I
Love You Guys!" Imagine the wild
nights you have to look forward to.
® Be prepared to guest-host that
always insightful, ever-informative
bulwark of cable television program-
ming, "Total Request Live."
Remember, while you can't actually
be Carson Daly, you can have his job
for a few hours every year.
While a complete listing. of all
requirements for membership in this
can not be printed here, this partial
listing will hopefully give prospective
band members some idea of what I'm
looking for. Remember there are only
five spots open. Five sounds like a
good round number, doesn't it?
Yes, gentlemen of the University,
this is my blueprint for success. Heed
my call. This is what I want. While it
may seem an odd route to financial
security, to quote five brilliant young
lads (well, maybe their songwriters),
"I want it that way."
-Gabe Fajuri is the Dail, !nsic edi-
tor Email him at gajuri umih/.corm.
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