Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - The Michigan Daily - New Student Edition - 5B
Bored wih dull conversation? Try sex! As a topic, o course
S o, you're here - woo-hoo! It's a
big scary University and there
are about 30,000 people you
Sure you can cruise the streets of
Ann Arbor, hit a party or two, but once
rough the pre- Jaimie
liminary "where Winkler
are you from" and
"what classes are
you taking" ques-
tion and answer
session, you may
find yourself at a
loss for conversa-
Exactly! It shows people you're will-
ing to open up and share those embar-
rassing moments that sound like they're
straight out of a teen magazine. It's easy
to like someone who only picks on her-
self or himself Besides, right off the bat
you're can show them that you're less
It's saying, "Hey, I'm not perfect and
I don't expect you to be'" (Hold on, I'm
laughing at that one).
I'm not suggesting that you say
"Hello, I once got busy in a Burger
King bathroom." But it might amuse
you to know that before this column
went to print, it rode around in my
See, you want to have a conversation
with me, don't you? Well, if anything
you'll stick around to see why, exactly,
it rode around there.
I guess a better example would be in
a situation where you're sitting around a
dorm room (no one's talking, and you
can hear the Spartans losing allilll the
way from East Lansing) until you quip
"So, I was reading Cosmo the other day
and they had some pretty interesting
ideas on what to do with a clean,
Once you explain the story, adding
where you think Cosmo should stick
that clean, smooth rock (which is pretty
close to where they told you to put it,)
the gang will be sharing stories.
You'll hear about the most exotic
make-out spots, cheating, and getting
caught in awkward positions - things
your mother would be proud to know.
By the way, you don't need to be
proud of the stories you tell. In fact it's
better if your audience can see a little
embarrassment, a little remorse, a little
"Why did I do that?"
Let your face get a little red.
Ah yes, your stories can be the high-
light of the party although you remem-
ber wishing they'd never happened.
The key to telling these stories is
anonymity. You don't want your ex to
show up at a party where a former dor-
mmate, whom you hardly speak to any-
more, says "Oh right ... Tim, I know
you, you're the masturbates-into the-
Be brief I won't be today because,
well, I have plenty of space. But, in
general, too many details can force your
audience to lose interest quickly. I had a
roommate who did this. Always going
off on a tangent, it drove me nuts!
But anyway, by the time he got to the
juicy part, I just wanted him to shut up.
No respect for a man who can't tell a
quick, funny, and quirky story.
If you can't think of some great sto-
ries to tell and you really think this
could be the topic of conversation for
you, I suggest opening the floor for the
greatest places at the University to "do
Because you are fresh to the
University, this will be fun while giving
you some great ideas for making the
campus more interesting once you've
gotten over being in Ann Arbor. (I have
yet to do this so my list hasn't come in
We will begin with the obvious spots:
the Grad Library stacks, the Diag,
Michigan Stadium (they leave it open
during the day for "runners"), 1800
Chem (size does matter), on the bridge
leading to the CCRB, bell tower, under
the West Hall arch, in the fishbowl, the
dorm telephone booths, Martha Cook,
the grass tennis courts, and at Yost on
I'll leave the rest for you to figure
Disclaimer: None of these are actual-
ly encouraged by the University.
These ideas should trigger memories
of your own glory days at the drive-in,
when the car windows fogged up and a
t es can you AND A SMILE
rar "I have
Psychology 1 I I
from I I to 12," before wondering if you
took the wrong classes?
I offer one suggestion for a new topic
of conversation, something that every-
one has, will, or wants to do, a topic
that will show your "sensitive" side --
Excuse me while I go a little Cosmo
"Why would this be the best topic of
conversation?" you ask. It's personal
scary man with a crowbar tapped on the
window and asked if you could stop
pushing on the brakes because the
lights were distracting his movie-watch-
Now, I realize that there are many of
you who are very tasteful and might not
have stories to share. Or maybe you
don't want to share your own stories.
For you, I am including a special sec-
This is the part of the column I've
been dreading to write. I've got to prac-
tice what I preach - I'm gonna share
some sex stories.
Mind you, to confuse the readers
who may be in these columns or those
who may be my present boyfriend, I am
going to throw in some that are not
mine. Thanks to that person for helping
Warning: you are about to enter a
"graphic and explicit language zone,"
the weak of heart should not continue.
To the rest: laugh until your belly hurts.
If you repeat these word for word, I
will laugh until MY belly hurts, but I
will not charge plagiarism.
"So, I hadn't seen my boyfriend for
about (insert time here) and when I did,
-we ended up at his house for a little
nighttime ruckus. No one would be
home until the next day and we went
into his parents' bedroom because, well,
his bed is only a twin. The next morn-
ing I got up, dressed, and headed off to
school. I came home to a message that
said, 'were you wearing blue panties,
because my mom said they're not
That one cracks me up.
"We were flying home from (insert
spring break location) and the plane
was several hours late. When the plane
finally arrived, we'd all been sleeping
for hours. Rather than go back to bed, I
joined the mile high club in the bath-
room of a 747. The pilot knocked on
the door, 'hey, is everything all in
there?' 'Well, it's a little cramped, but
fine!' Thanks Northwest!"
Creating lines for the pilot is okay.
Naked cooking is always fun.
Especially when there is no one home.
"In our house, if they're out for the
night, then they're out for the night. But
on the particular night when this guy
and I were naked sandwich making,
(pause for the double meaning to sink
in) with bread and stuff, I heard the
doorknob in the front door begin to
"In a fit of panic we dove into the
nearest bathroom, naked. After a few
stumbling noises, I realized it was my
drunken brother. The guy grabbed a
washcloth and put it over his crotch and
waltzed into the kitchen. He and my
brother chatted it up while I screamed,
'get me some clothes!"'
The drunken brother is important to
this story because without the "drunk-
en" one may wonder why your brother
would stand there talking to naked boy
in a washcloth.
"We were coming home from (insert
island name here, clue: Mackinac
Island is the correct answer) and 1-75 is,
well, boring as long as you're above the
45th parallel. At 60 miles an hour, sex,
is fun. Mind you, it's not easy or safe
and I doubt it's particularly legal."
(I really need to begin editing these
for graphic content.)
"I dated this guy once who would
always say, 'do you want me to get it
Now, it could have been just me and I
spent some quality time worrying about
this until we went to fay night at the
Nectarine and suddeniy it didn't need to
Now that one is best to tell to a room
full of boys because, well, they never
seem to understand how he can sum-
"Pool is a fun game. It involves lots
of, well, (insert sexually graphic pool-
equipment here.) It's even more fun in
the Union Billiards room on top of one
of the pool tables. (And you think the
billiard guys get mad at you when you
SIT on one of those plush, green tables"
Of course, one-liners can keep the
ball rolling once everyone has shared
their "mile high club" stories.
E "I broke the bolts in a loft once.'
(This actually happened. I swear.)
N "Sometimes its fun to throw things
at people when they're having sex in the
bed beneath yours."
N "I had a conversation once and this
was the gist of it:
'So how big is it?' he asked."
'It's yours, you should know."'
So I hope I've introduced you to the
world of conversational sex. Please use
it freely and perhaps if you haven't got
a few good laughs out of it, you'll get
some good ideas.
Oh, by the way, I didn't have pockets.
- Jaimie Winkler; a News Editor of the
Daily, can be reached at the place
where she repents this column
and does wholesome things,
or via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
S eak up, or risk
etin 0 ort..n-ies
slip past y6
H Walked in the quirky little
coffee shop in Bay City, past
the neon Elvis Presley clock
with swinging.hips andthe-defunct
He was quite simply beautiful. I
was, to say the least, excited.
I suspected (no one ever knows
for sure) that he was gay. His clothes
were a little tighter than most would
wear and his short blond hair was a
little bit more styled than usual for
this lonely blue-collar town.
He also had
what my friend Gerard
Haytham calls Cohen-
"gay eyes." They Vrignaud
were faster than ,
al eyes, darted
here and there,
seemed aware of
a world beyond
boy meets girl
I had been in
the town of Bay MAKE THE
City on an CONNECTION
two months. I
was craving conversation and, as
they say euphemistically in newspa-
per personals, "something more."
He was alone and sat there in his
white tee-shirt, his khakis and belt
for about 30 minutes drinking some
cold coffee concoction.
And what did I do? Nothing.
Why? Because I was too scared to
make an effort and face rejection. I
didn't want to feel vulnerable so I
I also gained nothing. And possi-
bly lost something.
All this is to say that those snappy
marketing campaigns are right: life
is too short to be playing it safe.
This boy stood out because in Bay
City - in most places --opportuni-
ties like this are scarcer than the
number of bookstores.
lives in a small town known for the
cheese they produce (like cheddar,
,nyways, he, too, gave gay sig-
nals: a little too well-dressed and
So I was asking pointed questions.
He mentioned that he'd gone danc-
ing in Ann Arbor and I asked if it
had been the Nectarine. When he
said yes, I was fairly certain.
There was a pause as I prepared to
ask the all-important question.
"I take it you're gay?" I said non-
I got my affirmative answer as
expected and within the week, I had
gone dancing with my find at a club
in Flint, where the gays are a lot
friendlier than in Ann Arbor. I had
made my connection.
These two anecdotes illustrate my
point: if you don't take a risk, you'll
never get anywhere. Especially for
gays, living in a world of slow-wit-
ted straight people.,.
And missed opportunities could
come to haunt you later.
I recently watched the thoughtful
movie, "Six Degrees of Separation,'
starring Will Smith, Stockard
Channing and Donald Sutherland.
At one point, Channing's charac-
ter remarks that she finds it com-
forting that all people on earth are
connected at the most by six degress
of separation. That means that the
guy who sits next to you in English
has a neighbor who probably knows
the President of the United States.
But that idea also scares her..
She says, "I also find it like
Chinese Water Torture because you
have to find the right six people to
make the connection. Everyone is a
new door, opening into other
Who the right people are is some-
thing we humans, with our limited
insight into destiny and chance, can-
^ - I. . ......-- P-