1 The MhigaDaily kend, etc agazine Thsday, -eember 91999


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The Mihigan i y - Weeken4, etc.



WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT CHAOS AND AGONY

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT, A

As the festive holiday season draws
near, we should all hang our stockings
by the fire, light the menorah and kiss
our respective asses goodbye.
Y2K is coming. (Wow, that really
sounded like a cheesy movie trailer, did-
n't it?)
When the clock strikes midnight on
December 31 and the row of zeroes flips
over on the dial, we are going to be in a
world of hurt. We've all heard stories of
the world's computers failing at that pre-
cise moment and, believe you me, the
- rumors are true. Banks will fail, airplane

flights will lose their course headings
and satellites will crash to Earth.
But what about the things that will
really afiect our lives? The powers that
be aren't telling us everything we need
to know (cue eery "X-Files" theme
song). Both the University and the world
in general will be changed in ways that
even the "Weekly World News" could
not niagme.
So here are some examples of what
they don't want you to know about Y2K,
courtesy of Special Agent Chris Kula,
FBD (Federal Bureau of the Daily).


* HBO will suffer a glitch in their
programming system, causing the pre-
mium cable network to show "Police
Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol" in a
continuous loop for 72 hours straight.
Thousands suffer epilectic seizures in
reaction to seeing that much Steve
Guttenberg.
* The School of LS&As mainframe
will mistakenly award dual degrees in
Russian and molecular biology to every
member of the varsity hockey team.
* The ovens and stoves of the East
Quad cafetena will produce a wide
array of tasty delicacies. Employees of
the housing department are quoted as
declaring it "unbelievable, we've never
seen anything like this before.M
* The music of the Dave Matthews
Band will be played over every stereo
system in the Beta fraternity house (all
Don't let o.ur
get
ahead
of -
you
DASCOLA BARBERS
ESTABLISHED 1 939
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
615E UBERTY OFF STATE
~ 668-9329
4-F 8:30-5:20
SAT UNTIL 4:20

"Pok em on"
video game is
graphically
transformed into
the image of a
cute and cuddly
Adolf Hitler.
McDonald's
beverage dis-
pensers will
inexplicably
serve both New
Coke and Crystal
Pepsi.
After mid-
night on the 31st,
all photographs
taken on Kodak

yight, you caught me -that's complete-
ly normal).
The phone lines at the Nintendo
corporation will be flooded with calls
from irate parents after the lovable char-
acter of Pikachu from their kids'

Chris Kula
Unsung
Ann Arbor

jAMA'

B

Discowned Fag
lsmea Fd
Free Nghtolb
Admisansl
Free Parties,
everages, Prizes!*

film will, upon development, reveal a
picture of a smiling Bill Cosby sucking
on a Jello pudding pop.
The fluorescent lights of Angell
Hall's Auditorium A will flash on and
off at blinding speeds, causing hundreds
of the University's big pants-wearing,
glowstick-twirling party kids to storm
the premises, thinking that there's an
underground rave being held. Instead,
they end up grooving to the hypnotic
sounds of an Art History lecture.
* Buick Skylarks will become sen-
tient beings and revolt against their own-
ers, inadvertently inspiring half a dozen
new novellas by Stephen King wanna-
bes.

No matter what number is dialed,
telephone users will be connected to
Carly, a Time Life representative who's
waiting to take your call right now.
The airwaves of student-run
WCBN will be flooded with the strange
and bizarre sound of decent music.
While heating a frozen burrito in
his microwave, a startled Keanu Reeves
will be sucked into the matrix. His rock
band Dogstar thence becomes an MTV
darling.
All digital watches will unendingly
blink "4:20,' resulting in an unprece-
dented number of achingly clever stoner
jokes, such as "Dude, I don't need, like,
a Rolex to know it's time to party,
dude!"
* The brewing facilities of every
major beer manufacturer will malfunc-
tion, causing all brands to taste exactly
like Colt .45 malt liquor. Actor Billy
Dee Williams experiences a resurgence
in popularity.
Every single MP3 downloaded off
of the network neighborhood by a 'U'
student will play either "We Built this
City" by Jefferson Starship or "Working
for the Weekend" by Loverboy.
* Private donations to the University
will increase tenfold when its official
website, www.umich.edu, mysteriously
turns into an ebay-style online bidding
house. A lunch date with Prof. Ralph
Williams is valued at a staggering
548,000, and has a waitlist of 53.
* Wonder chef Emeril Lagasse is
brutally killed when his mixer goes hay-
wire and attacks him during his cable!
television show. A shocked member of
his studio audience says "The way that
mixer tore into the essence of Emeril's
torso was horrible. And when he kicked
it up a notch. it wasjust too much for rie
to watch."
* While checking WVoherinc Access
rt
my classes and less time 14ritmig this
column. To put it smply. the apocal's
wil tk on a wholen meaning
--is Kula can be reaLced ia
ckdaumich.edu and would like to
wish everrone a ver merry exami week
and a might happy holiday season.

So folks, it's finally here. After so
many years of waiting. All those
questions of "What are you doing for
the New Year's of the millennium?,"
all those countless Time Magazine
articles about some yokel and his
word-of-God-wielding family
preparing for Y2K, stockpiling
yummy canned food, warm clothing,
copies of the good book and some
hefty shotguns (only to be used
against the "hoarders").
Even Hollywood seems inspired
by this millennium anxiety; after the
"Deep Impact" of the '98 summer
repugnance in "Armageddon," the
moguls of Tinseltown decided to
show their quasi-apocalyptic fervor,
pining away with such cinema sins as
"Stigmata," "End of Days" and "The
Omega Code." Last and very least,
let's not forget the repetitive prophe-
cies of late: Everyone seems to think
he or she is a mod, new-age
Nostradamus.
Who, though, really knows when
the world will end or what will hap-
pen if the so-called Apocalypse,
Armageddon, Judgement Day, etc.
occurs? None of us really do. We can
only speculate, guess or use our wild
imaginations. I'd love to see a per-
formed rendition of Tim Burton's.
vision of the "end of the world," or
Albert Camus' or maybe even Larry
Flynt's. What if the world ended and
none of us kncw Or cared?
Over Thank,,gi +ing= rekI
stopped in at the Main Art Theater in
Roal Oak to see one of the xear's
best films. Kimberl Pres

intensely charged "Boys Don't Cry"
(go to Royal Oak and see it now
because it's not opening in Ann
Arbor any time soon). Outside the
theater, I paused at a littered
brochure table to see if I could score
any free art film schwag. To my glee-
ful film-geek surprise, I found a
white poster fea-
turing a glaring
digital clock. The
poster announced,
 "Time's Up." A
phrase accompa-
nying the time-
piece said, "Six
hours left ... What
are you going to
do with the rest of
your life?"
Christopher This poster and
tagline is from a
C~s~f new independent
State of film by Don
McKellar called
the Arts "Last Night."
Opening Sunday
at the Michigan Theater, "Last
Night" deals with the last night on
Earth and how each of the film's
characters would spend the final
closing moments of their lives.
This poster got me thinking -
what if December 31, 1999 is the last
night on Earth? What would this
mean? Well for starters, no winter
term No Screenwritng 310 or New
Negro Renaissance 313. No more
study ing., no more Cava Java, no
more partes, no more friends, no
more colliders and no Best Picture

Oscar for "American Beauty" None.
Add to that no more embarrassment,
no more love, no more sadness, no
more laughter and no more shame.
You wouldn't have a concern about
any of these things if the world just
ended.
So if on Dec. 31 you receive a
Post-It note reading "World. Ending
at 12. See ya later," or an answering
machine message of "Hi, this mes-
sage is for so-and-so and I just want-
ed to inform you that tonight the
world is going to end. Call me when
you get a chance," here's 20 things
you may want to do if you can't think
of anything to preoccupy yourself
with while waiting the be-all and
end-all.
1) Create a website called
:, i evergbody-DIES.com. 2) Dare
to actually look at nude pictures of
Bea Arthur. 3) Watch Gary Cooper's
Lou Gehrig speech from "Pride of
the Yankees:' 4) Paint a picture. 5)
Call your mom. 6) Tell Katie, the girl
you had a crush on from first
through sixth grade, your little
secret. 7) Rent "The Neverending
Story" and keep rewinding and
replaying it over and over. 8) Try to
beat the minus world in Super Mario
Bros. 9) Drink a martini "shaken, not
stirred." 10) Have lots of sex. 11)

Walk your dog. 12) Learn
to Heaven" on guitar. 13
choral round of "This is
that Doesn't End ..." 14)
apocalyptic battle ft
Mountain with He-Man, I
Merman and Man-at-Arr
forget Orko). 15) Scotch
eyes open. 16) Eat some
17) Perform Shakespea
Tempest" with your frig
dog Corky could play A
Watch the sun go down. 1
final night to read "(
C
Boa
December 1

I

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