4 - The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, December 8, 1999 (fit oE , iCI T FtI[ ailu Well, you make me feel corny, corny. So corny, corny. 420 Maynard Street Ann Arbor, MI 48109 daily. letters@umich. edu Edited and managed by students at the University of Michigan i . i HEATHER KAM INS Editor in Chief JEFFREY KOSSEFF DAVID WALLACE Editorial Page Editors In this time of merriment, I haxe been called to give ou a special message. This week. I jovfull, pass the secret of hap- piness to you, my belox ed readers. Some of Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily ' editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. you w ill read what I say The world will come in focus and you will say, "Oh yeah. Others won't buy it. I assure you. What I say is true. The happy soul laughs at corny jokes. The happiest peo- ple are the ones who laugh at the lamest, stupidest, dumbest jokes in existence. It may be that they laugh because they are happy, but we also and take it to heart, C ke: : www.don tskipclass. cor Versity.com has right to free speech Mike Lopez M ost students at the University can barely remember a time before inter- net technology - a time where they could- n't communicate with friends at the touch of a button, couldn't buy tickets for a concert from their residence hall, and couldn't check the notes for their classes online. It is the lat- ter internet service that has University offi- cials concerned. In a written statement sent to faculty last week, Provost Nancy Cantor said her office, along with the Office of the General Counsel, will form a small working group to examine the issues and implica- tions of online note services provided by Versity.com and similar internet companies. Faced with the problem of students skipping class in favor of online materials and the issue of intellectual -property being distrib- uted on the Web, the University has reacted with understandable caution. But they need not be concerned. Online notes will do more good than harm, and the University should cooperate with companies like Versity.com rather than work against them. Prompting Cantor's decision to form a committee examining online notes was a group of letters from Versity.com to University faculty asking them to engage in a pilot program. While this contact sparked the University's concern, it should instead relieve it. At the top of the University's list of con- cerns is copyright laws. By putting notes on the 'web, the University feels intellectual property laws may be at stake, and faculty work could be stolen. But companies like Versity.com have no interest in faculty mate- rial, other than putting it on the web. Their new pilot program offers copyrights to fac- ulty on material they post on the web, pre- venting any plagiarism or pawning of ideas. In addition, if the University cooperates in the new pilot program, the faculty can choose the notetakers, review notes before they are posted and place a link to their class website next to Versity.com's notes. But Versity is not allowed to do any of these things until the University agrees to cooper- ate. It will be to their advantage to do just that. In addition to protecting faculty material from pirating, online note services will like- ly enhance the academic experience. Students will be able to link to courses at other Universities to provide reinforcement on class material. While some will use the notes as an excuse to skip class, they will find that relying only on Web notes won't prepare them for exams or truly help them understand the subject matter. Cooperation in Versity.com's pilot pro- gram will also remedy some additional University concerns. One concern Cantor voiced in her letter to faculty was the notion that online note services would prevent guest speakers from coming to class. Because their material is often unpublished, a guest speaker might feel uncomfortable with the possibility of their material appear- ing on the web. But by cooperating with Versity.com, the company will agree to restrict notetaking should special circum- stances arise. Additionally, for those profes- sors who wish to restrict material only to students of their University, Versity.com would be able to provide this under their new pilot program. While the use of internet resources may seem fully immersed into academia, the transition has only begun. Rather than fight the tide of technology, the University should embrace it, and work with companies like Versity.com to ensure that online notes ben- efit students and-faculty at the University. get happy because we laugh. Those special people who possess the unique ability to laugh at inane, corny jokes have a gift. Next time you hear a corny joke, look around and see who is laughing. Chances are that the one who laughs is the one to whom you'll be strangely drawn. That corny person is easily amused. We all know that this is a very good quality in a man and a woman. If my wonderful woman wasn't cornier than a farm in Nebraska, we proba- bly wouldn't work out too well. Corniness keeps us together. It is the husk of our rela- tionship. At Creighton, I used to hang out with this guy named Chris "Hick" Hickerson. This guy has to be one of the corniest men alive. That corniness sucked the women in like you wouldn't believe. He'd walk into a room, flash his signature smile and say something stupid. The women would fall to his feet. That is the gift of corniness. Very few people know of its power. Corny jokes are the best. I love corny jokes. I love them so much that about a year ago, I created a daily corny joke e- mail list by the name of Corndog. I named it after the famous Nebraskan rapper. Yeah, that was the first joke. My own corniness comes from my father. I knew I was doomed when the idea of Volt Man came to me in high school. Volt Man was a superhero who had the power of physics at his disposal. During the day. he worked as a train conductor. His sidekick was named Joules. By day, she served cus- tomers at Hertz Rent-a-Car. Volt Man had a pet mole. He wore glasses, but preferred to call them "frames of reference." His nemesis was Ohm Man, an evil rogue who led the Resistance. I'm sure you get the idea. Since then, I have only increased in corniness. Today, I share it with you so that you may laugh, groan, and love life. Indeed, if you can laugh at these jokes, you can laugh at anything. 1. Many of us know the Gospel story of the woman who was going to be stoned. Jesus told the crowd, "Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." In the Bible, no one throws a stone. Actually, what really happened was that a rock whizzed past Jesus' head and hit the woman. Jesus rolled his eyes as he turned around to say, "Mom! Stop that!" 2. In the old West, times were rough. One day, a three legged dog walked into a bar. The bartender said "What can I do va?" The dog said, "Give me a whiskey." The bartender poured the drink and slid the shot down the bar. The dog took it and gulped it down. Slamming the glass down on the bar, the hound slowly turned aroun- and looked over the place. Then, all of a sudden, he barked out, "Listen up! I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 3. You've no doubt heard the one about the hunchback who used to use his head to hit the bell at Notre Dame. He fell to his death off the tower. It was remarked that no one knew his name, but his face sure rang a bell. The joke you haven't heard is the one about his identical twin who decided to take his brother's job. He also fell off the tower and died. No one knew his name either, but he was a dead ringer for the last one. The next joke is 100 percent original. I give it to you along with my wish that you all have a very spiritually fulfilling winter break. Thank you for reading and thank you for replying. I have enjoyed finding out that the intelligence and maturity at our University is higher than the media would have us think. May you all make it a poin to smile at everyone you see today. There was a local artist painting Christmas signs for the local community center. He painted various types of signs. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. You get the picture. He was having a really good time and got quite involved. In fact, he got so involved that he messed up the J in "Happy Birthday, Jesus." He acciden- tally painted it backwards so that it said, "Happy Birthday Lesus." Well, he didn' notice this and put the sign up in the com- munity center. Everyone was busy with their own decorations, so he shouted out to the working crowd, "Hey, how does it look?!" They all looked up, and chimed back, "No L. No L." - Mike Lopez can be reached over e-mail at manatlarge umich.edit. IENATV : SPAKN. THOMAS KULJURGIS -N' ' -N ~ .. ........ ........... 'M,. ...AN. $Chu...,.. Don't space out Successful or not, NASA must be supported I n the wake of any failure by the federal government, it is typical to ask ourselves "are tax dollars being allocated effectively?" This question probably faces the National Aeronautics and Space Administration more than any other federal agency. In September, the $125 Mars Climate Orbiter disappeared because of a failure to convert from English to metric measurement units to calculate how the orbiter should have entered the Martian atmosphere. Currently, the Hubble Space Telescope is temporarily inoperable due to a broken gyroscope. Yet another failure seems to have occurred last weekend, when the $165 million Mars Polar Lander ceased communicating with Earth. These disappointments and others have given substantial bite to arguments in favor of real- locating NASA's funds or entrusting space exploration to the private sector. " But even a cursory overview of NASA's past achievements ought to sway most people away from NASA's critics. Few people realize the importance of satellites in all types of communications mediums -many of which were put into orbit by NASA. The Viking missions to Mars in the 1970s as well as the Pathfinder mission in 1996 both significantly increased our knowledge of the red planet. The 1969 Apollo 11 landing on the moon is yet another obvious example and the data continually being collected by the Hubble Space Telescope has proved invaluable to learning about the universe. The purpose of government is to provide services the private sector could not or won't provide and this stretches far beyond the sphere of maintaining military and social programs. The federal government has a duty to subsidize the arts, public television and radio as well as scientific pursuits like space exploration. Without federal funding, the arts would be accessible only to the rich, cable or satellite TV would be required to take advan- tage of educational television, and high costs would throw academic scientific research into a lurch. Libertarians and some conservatives claim the private sector would do a better job exploring space. While the private sector will likely play a role in space exploration in the near future, there will always be a role for government agencies like NASA. It is diffi- cult to conceive of research on black holes or the age of the universe ever becoming com- mercially useful. The private sector is also constrained by time frames - it is nearly impossible to find investors willing to put up money for a project that will only start to pay off 50 years in the future. NASA's scientists do not have to worry about making a profit for the agency, rather they are engaged in perhaps one of the most noble pursuits of all - to expand humanity's knowledge of the universe. Most of the data NASA collects is not "useful" in the sense that it can be applied to a marketable technol- ogy, but if commercial viability is the only standard by which we value information, then almost all fields in academia are mostly worthless. Despite its occasional failures, the services NASA offers are still invaluable. We cannot afford to place a dollar value on knowledge. 'U' does not need to recruit minorities To THE DAILY: I was walking in the MLB today. and a group of people were standing in the hallway at the I st floor elevator such that everyone has to walk through their conversation. Trying not to be rude as I did it, I politely nodded to the guy speaking. As this happened. the guy acknowledged me in as much as he looked at mhe long enough to dismiss ny presence and to go back to his conversation. He promptly quit speaking English (it was not that he couldn't speak English: his English was flu- ent) and continued his conersation in some language that I didn't know. As I walked out of the building. I felt really angry that someone would use his different cultural and lingual background to negate me as a person. Later. I read Scott Hunter's Nov. 6 column. "Why the minorities don't represent at the University." One line made me think. Underrepresented minority submissions high- light "the need for better recruitment efforts' to get underrepresented minorities to University. What does this suggest? That the University create a black squad and a latino squad and other ethnic groups to go out and find kids who are willing to come to the University? I hate to use this buzzword that nobody can define, but I'd like to see a little diversity at this University as well: I'd like to feel that it's ok not to be Christian. While I realize that all of you Christians have the right to be Christian and not be hassled for being so, rec- ognize that despite your religious beliefs, while you use the First Amendment to protect your religious rights, you hypocritically tram- ple over mine. I'd like to feel that it's ok to be white, I have a shaved head. yet as I walk around cam- pus people stare at me like I'm a Neo-Nazi It's socially acceptable - and even cool - to be a black guy with a shaved head. Why is it that in this "diverse" environment people cry wolf and sue if there is prejudice toward minorities yet tell white people to take it with a grain of salt because they reaped their cur- rent advantageous position within society from evil white slave masters of the past. (In here with about half of my tuition being cov- ered by student loans and another fourth of it being covered by poor money from the gov- ernment. All of you impressed by my inherit- ed advantage, raise your hand.) I'd like to feel that the "multi-cultural" environment on this campus does not just serve to bring various types of dances and cultural shows to this campus, and that this "diversity" of thought is actually reaching out to people as opposed to excluding them. I personally was a member of one of these groups on campus, only to be told in a dis- cussion of identity that I would never know what it's like and that nobody could explain it to me. After that was said, no "real" members of the group (I had paid the membership fee but that didn't mean I was a member) said anything and stood up for me. This despite the fact that the mission statement of this University-sponsored organization had some- thing to do with making the University com- munity aware of and educating it on the issues of this particular group. I'd like to think that diversity of thought is not determined by skin color. Mavbe white AR I z4 ' :t"1 < N' Yp<;! {< . :: Mexico are just as Mexican as the Mexican kids there. I'd like to think that when Ward Connerly came here a couple of years ago that I didn't hear people calling him a sell out to his race. I'd like to pretend that people can be white and oppose affirmative action without being called racist, and that people can be "underrepresented minorities" and oppose it without being considered sell outs to their races. In truth. nobody really cares about diversi- ty here. Cultural/national groups around cam- pus just have to point to the fact that they're encouraging "diversity" by existing and by hosting functions and the University will fund them. People still will look at me like I'm a Neo-Nazi. Bollinger earn his salary whether minority enrollments go up and down, whether there's any real diversity here or not. He just has to have a few fireside chats, say a few words and fight the anti-affirmative action lawsuit and he's set. Heck, canceling classes and hosting Martin Luther King Jr. events makes this look like a damn fine institution! King once said he dreamed of a land where his children would be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin. (Has anyone else noticed the irony in the University's dual celebration of King's ideas of civil rights and diversity as well as racially preferential treatment?) The reality of the matter is that until people around here widen the scope of the term "diversity" beyond buzzwords and numbers of "underrepresented minorities," this University will remain as stagnant as ever. SCOTT BULLOCK LSA JUNIOR WTO protesters deserve support TO THE DAILY: In the spirit of the campus' numerous environmental organizations, overseen by the Michigan Student Assembly's Environmental Issues Commission, we wish to commend the actions of the thousands who rallied in Seattle this past week to protest the World Trade Organization. Through the collective actions of the numerous environmental, animal rights, public health and labor activists, the world was exposed to the serious downsides globalization has to offer. From the oeaceful the public, WTO and international leaders to recognize the need for trade agreements to also guarantee protections for both the envi- ronment and workers. In light of the sweeping successes of the demonstrations, we must condemn those ac of violence by a very small minority o7 approximately 100 self-proclaimed anar- chists. We further condemn the excessive use of force and countless civil rights violations by the police officers of Seattle. It is their col- lective action turned on the innocent, peaceful demonstrators who helped to fuel the so- called "riots" and violence that ensued in the streets of Seattle. Again, we wish to express our fullest sup- port for the more than 50,000 peaceful demonstrators who stood up to the threats of* corporatized, global threat prompted by the WTO. Because of their actions we are opti- mistic that the future of global trade will be forced to consider and recognize the impor- tance of both human and environmental rights. BRIANNE HAVEN SNRE JUNIOR JOSH PASHMAh LSA AND SNRE SENIO0 Letter on grammar was 'pointless' TO THE DAILY: In response to the Maury Brick's Nov. 7 letter "Store Clerks Should Improve Their Grammar': Wow. In my years here at the University, I have read some pretty pointless letters to the editor. But I have to say that this is probably one of the dumbest things that I have ever read. Perhaps Bricks would rather hear the individual behind the fast food counter say something along the lines of "What the hell do you want?" which, as far as I know, would be considered proper gram- mar Or, better yet, following the old adage about wanting something done right, may he should lead by example instead of gripin about it. I'm sure he wouldn't be the first intolerant University law student to end up working behind a fast food counter. Maybe if he would just get over himself and try to understand that those people are just trying to offer him a service, he'd be a happier person. :.. 01 i I