Thursday, January 28, 2000 - The Michigan Daily - 11


Droppj.Io gthe
Everyone Kleinbaurn has irked, annoyed or
ust plain pissed off in hi s four yea rs at the
'S
Sue Guevara - See any.women's
basketball story
Jim Richardson- Only Kleinbaum
could tweak such a nice guy
Brian Ellerbe - But strangely, not
when he was a beat writer.
Mrs. Hill - Chill out there, Grant. We're
referring to his third-grade teacher.
labama - Yes, the school. And yes,
e state. Except for Auburn fans.
'is Coworkers - See staff box, Page 2.
WHY ARE YOU READING
THIS? Go TO THE DAMN BAR.
THAT'S WHERE WE BE.
To Dave, Chns, Mark, CDog,
Stephanie and Jacob:
Thanks for a great 12 months. Now its
your turn to be the bosses. Relax, let
your talents blossom and keep it real.
We've worked hard to get this paper
where it is. Keep the truth aflowing.
Good Luck,
T.J., Rick, Josh and Andy

State slaughters N'Western

Big Ten petitions to move
From stofand wirc reports
Um, hello? 29 points?
People score 29 points in a game, not teams.
But, then ,again, Northwestern's coach, Kevin
O'Neill, is the same person who said "If I could,

Wildcats from conference
I'd take a program redshirt,just lift and practice for
a year."
Now, O'Neill and his Wildcats have absorbed
two consecutive beatings from the Spartans. Their
latest was an ugly 59-29 beat-down in Evanston.

Silly Penguin
wants t0 fly, can't

eez

By T. Berka
Dmly SeJlife'Expert
SOUTH POLE - Everyone knows
penguins can't fly, right? Not so fast,
there, son.
One penguin here is trying to change
that. Petey, the proper penguin, insists
that he, unlike any of his millions and
millions of landbound cousins, can fly,
"Ar! Ar! Ar!" Petev said. "Does any-
one have some plankton?"
Dr. Maurice Eldridge, of the South Pole
Penguin Study Center, thinks that Petev's
ambitions are perfectly within reason.
"For years, we've been hearing,
Penguins can't fly. Penguins can't fly:'
Eldridge said. "Now, we're here to turn
such outdated, patriarchal notions on
their ear."

Assisting Eldridge in this study has
been an ample supply of Southern
Comfort, along with the latest in wind-
tunnel technology.
Despite extensive wind tunnel testing,
which several of Eldridge's colleagues have
dismissed as "wasteful pish-tosh' Petey
and his family remain confident.
Edjtors Note: None of us. ouiside of
Freeman, think this story is/unrr. ..Sonv.
"We're trying to change perccptions,
both here at the South Pole, and eery-
where, including the University of
Michigan community ... Right Petevi"
Petey, clapping his flippers and
munching dead fish from a paper cone,
agreed.
"Ar! Ar! Orl Or!," he said. "Wher
my damn plankton'?"
JUG
Page 1, we think
- has little motivation to undertake
such an onerous task this close to the
end of his term.
The case has been turned over to the
Department of Public Safety.
Until then. the Daily seniors have iot-
ten away with the crime of the century,
as a University criminologist put it.
"Mainly, that's because, up until now,
there really hasn't been much crime in
this century," some random Sociology
Professor said.
The Daily seniors also declined to
comment on teports that they planned to
pool their NYPD money tohbuy -tlke
property, and refurbish the the restauIrant
to its old levels of charm.

1

NOT FUNNY,'Dici
Silly penguin, flying is for birds, not
penguins. Ar! Ar! Plankton!
Pourin' out a little liquor
for: Johnny, Frankie,
Adrock, El lie, MDog, 930
Boyz, Woody (once again),
Church on Church.

I-

-- MARTIN/Day
AND WE'RE OUr...' Former Fab Fiver Ray Jackson delivers a parting shot from the outgoing Daily Sports
Editors to all the nonbelievers. We miss ya, Ray J.


Heads up
The Michigan women's
gymnastics team tumbles tonight
at 7 p.m., not 7.30. So get it
strai ght, crackers.

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