12B he Michigan Daily - W end, etc. Magazine - Thur ay, January 20, 2000

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REJECT THE COCKAMAMIE AND CLAIM THE

Last week I explored the small
talk debacle that is the phrase "So
'how was your break?" and, in doing
so, I broached the even broader (and
more significant) topic of uncom-
fortable interpersonal relations. I
realized that there are so many little
communication quirks that- people
on this campus fall victim to every
day, and I felt like exploring a cou-
ple of these offbeat but vital sub-
jects.
And if I seem a bit too Seinfeldian

by pointing out life's little foibles,
feel free to exclaim "What's the deal
with that? I mean, c'mon - who is
this Kula guy anyway?" So without
further ado:
TODAY'S ISSUE: THE AWKWARD SILENCE
You shift your eyes to the ground
and push your hands into your pock-
ets. They look at their watch and
shuffle their feet. You're fooling no
one: This conversation is as done

and concluded as Corey Feldman's
film career. Yet there you still stand,
stuck in an oppressively lame pit of
silence. What to do?
Well, for starters, get used to it,
because the awkward silence has
undoubtedly been the most unavoid-
able conversational phenomenon of
all time. When Moses was finished
receiving the Ten Commandments
atop the mountain, you know that he
paused for several painful moments,
shuffling through his stone tablets,

-il ---I

searching for something to say
before mumbling "Well ... I've gotta
get going, Lord. I'll catch you
later."
That's the best you can hope for
when an awkward silence arises: A
quick escape through the line "Well,
I've gotta get going." Of course, we
all know that you don't really have
anywhere to be at that moment, but
what can we say other than "Okay?"
I mean, are you going to be the guy
who cries "Nooo! Stick around for a
while!?" ;--
I think not.
Unless, that is,
you're in train-
ing to become a
high school
guidance coun-
selor.
You see,
mutual closure
is vital to killing
a contrived
silence. When Chris Kula
one person nsung
'states "Well... U
...cool, cool. Ann Arbor
I've gotta get
going," it's gen-
erally accepted that the other person
will agree with that sentiment and the
conversation will be over. But should
that second person counter with
something tactless like "Oh, well,
where are you going?" or the startling
"Can I come with you?" you're going
to have an unbearable crisis on your
hands, much like what John Stamos
faced when "Full House" was can-
celled.
And since the "I've gotta get
going" line is not only older than
Mick Jagger but possibly staler than
Keith Richards, I propose that we
institute some new methods of escap-
ing from a lame silence. By abandon-
ing the mundane and seizing your
conversational destiny, you may well
be on you way to world domination.
So the next time that you find your-
self squirming to spark a stalled con-
versation, try some of these patented
silence breakers and let the good
words roll.
When silence falls over dinner
on a first date: "So, tell me how your
worst relationship ended, and feel
free to name names"
Any occasion whatsoever: "So,
do you like mowing lawns?"
When your roommate informs
you that their grandmother has died:
"Here, help yourself to some of
these brownies - they're my grand-
ma's recipe.

COUNTRY?
® When chatting with your fresh-
man year roommate whom you
haven't heard from in ages: "So,
yeah - hey, did I ever tell you that
my friend puked in your bed one
night that year? Man, that was a
trip!"
Any occasion: "Have you
adopted as your personal savior the
man-god known as Ricky Martin?
Because you know, one day he will
rise up and punish all non-believers
with the furious swaying of his
hips."
'1
When riding in an elevator:
"You know, if we got stirck in here
for a long time and I died it would
be totally cool if you wanted to use
my flesh as nourishment. Totally
cool, I'm serious."
When that special someone
informs you that they want to see
other people: "Are you up for that
Julia Roberts movie tonight? No? I
guess that means sex in the graveyard
is probably out of the question, then."
Upon meeting your significant
other's parents for the first time: "So
did I hear right: You folks met in a
Turkish prison?"
When the priest asks the congre-
gation to speak now or forever hold
their peace: "Do you ever dance 'the
robot' while you're naked in the
shower? Or do the 'electric boogaloo'
while the steamy water rinses the
soap suds off your soft, wet body?"
After spotting your favorite
rock star on the street: "Have you
ever experienced salmonella before;
if so, what was it like, and if not, do
you anticipate experiencing it any-
time in the future? What about ring-
worm?"
When your parents inform you
that they're getting a divorce:
"Doesn't Ponderosa have a fabulous
all-you-can-eat buffet?"
When your Poli Sci GSI stumps
the class with a question regarding
the European economic community:
"We've got to hold on to what we've
got, 'cause it doesn't make a differ-
ence if we make it or not. We've got
each other, and that's a lot. For love,
we'll give it a shot."
-Chris Kula can be reached at
ckula@umich.edu, and he ' halfway
there - ohhhh-whoa, he ' livin'on a
prayer.

Dexterous mage Ben

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By Gabe Fajuri
Daily Arts Editor
When's the last time you saw
someone swallow a packet of stain-
less steel sewing needles? For David
Ben, dining on sharp, metallic
objects is an everyday occurrence.
Ben's not always playing with
needles, of course, but it is part of
his job description. Throughout the
course of his show, "The Conjuror's
Suite," Ben makes use of many
everyday articles - cigarette
papers, playing cards, volumes of
poetry, handkerchiefs and grains of
table salt. With these objects, "The
Conjuror" makes miracles.
Set in an intimate theatre that
accommodates less than 200 audi-
ence members, "The Conjuror's
Suite" is most certainly not your
average magic show. Looking like a
moment plucked from the pages of
"Alice in Wonderland," the tastefully

decorated set
serves as the
perfect set-
ting for an
intimate hour
and a half of
superbly
accomplished
s e i g h t - of-
hand show-
manship.
As opposed
to the grand-
iose specta-
cles inflicted
upon world-
wide audi-
ences by the

conjures up surpnises

The
Conjuror's
Starring David Ben
Royal Ontario Museum
likes of David

Conjuror's" hands, becomes a
request each and every audience
member hopes will be asked of them
before the performance is over. As
the show opens, selected cards rise
from a shuffled pack as if guided by
unseen hands. Later on, different
selections are discovered by a
Blindfolded Ben, assisted only by a
razor sharp switchblade.
"The Conjuror's Suite" features
much more than card magic, howev-
er. Some of the other effects in the
show, in fact, are very old. Two of
the first pieces in the production,
"The Cups and the Balls" and "The
Linking Rings," are considered clas-
sics of magic. Ben's interpretations
of both of these tricks are nothing
short of mind-boggling.
As the trick's name might suggest,
"The Linking Rings" involves five
solid steel rings, that, in Ben's
hands, seem to link and unlink "like
rings of smoke," to use the magi-
cian's own words. "The Cups and
the Balls," also quite self-explanato-
ry, is another highlight of the show.
In "The Conjuror's" hands, balls
vanish and appear underneath three
gleaming silver cups time and time
again. Though the trick might not
translate well into print, as the effect
progresses, it only becomes more
ambitious and mystifying to specta-
tors, ending with three gasps of utter
surprise.
Ben concludes his performance
each night with a feat that is as
stomach-turning as it is astonishing.
With the assistance of a volunteer
from the audience, he swallows
twenty-five stainless steel sewing
needles. That's right. He puts them
in his mouth and swallows them. But
the trick doesn't end there. After
washing down the main course with
a glass of water or two, Ben follows
the needles with nearly six feet of
thread -- a disturbing sort of
dessert. The evening draws to a
close when Ben regurgitates this
dangerous delicacy from his gullet,
all twenty needles threaded on the
string.
"The Conjuror's Suite" is a
sophisticated evening of theatre not
to be missed by any enthusiast of
excellent magic. Playing at the
Salon ROM inside the Royal Ontario
Museum until the end of the month,
for anyone making the short trip to
downtown Toronto for a weekend
getaway, it's more than worth the
price of admission. Just remember:
Kids, don't try this at home.


Copperfield, Ben's hour and a half
of magic is set on small stage meant
to represent a salon or drawing
room. Gone are the suspicious look-
ing props and scantily clad assis-
tants. In their place, Ben brings
charm, humor, drama and a thor-
oughly entertaining evening of leg-
erdemain to the stage. It's obvious
that this is a performer that needs to
rely only on his hard-earned talent
to thrill and delight appreciative
audiences.
And even though he's not pres-
tidigitating with exotic birds and
white tigers or making the Statue of
Liberty vanish, Ben's show is equal-
ly, if not more astonishing than
those of his more famous peers. By
the time the show closes, an evening
vanishes nearly as quickly as a play-
ing card.
The often trite magician's phrase
"please, take a card," in "The

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