12B --- le Michigan Daily Weeod, etc. Magazine --- ThursdL&.February 11, 1999 ±
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The Michigan Dailyo Weekend, etc. K
EWeekend, etc. Column
WARNING: THIS COLUMN CONTAINS SEX
Abstinence popular, safe option for many
At the request of my editor, who
tfieatened me with great bodily
harm if I refused him, this column
will be devoted entirely to singing
the praises of the spirit of
Valentine's Day, a spirit, it must be
said, that grows stronger and bolder
with each passing year; a spirit
which, as befits such a unifying
force, can be summed up in a single
word: sex.
You may think that to reduce
Valentine's Day to such a raw animal
urge is deplorable, done only to
appeal to contemporary society's
mindless fascination with the pruri-
ent. I thought so, too; but when I
said to my editor I'd have nothing to
do with his shameless grab for the
readership's genitalia, he just
laughed and made me give him a
foot massage. Having been thus put
in my place, I acquiesced and with-
drew my objections, retreating home
to compose a column that was up to
his salacious standards.
For some time I struggled with devel-
oping a topic that
e x u d e d
pheromones
enough to drive my
readers into an
orgiastic frenzy.
Fortunately for
me, I receive a fair
amount of ficti-
tious fan mail, and
among these sin-
cere correspon-
dences I uncovered
the perfect topic.
As I sit here trying
to invent the con-
tents of these let-
ANDREW
MORTENSEN
BIG IDEAS
(DON'T GET
ANY)
to love and I find ourselves facing
the intimidating prospect of a cer-
tain holiday of love."
What's really important, in any
case, is the last pair of lines in his
letter: "Andrew, for the past four
years my Valentine's Days have been
ruined because I have realized at
crucial moments that I have no idea
how to get my groove on. My rela-
tionships, free of blemish up until
my paralyzing revelation, collapse
and invariably I end up in front of
the TV weeping into a pint of Ben
and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice
cream. lonely and embittered."
This tragic tale is not, still more
sadly, an isolated case, nor is it lim-
ited to socially inept males, nor even
to heterosexual relationships.
Successfully getting one's groove on
is a vital element of a fully realized
Valentine's Day. When you discover
obstacles, mental or physical, that
prevent you from adequately don-
ning your groove, the result is what
is known in medical terminology as
a botched sexual encounter, or in
layperson's terms, frustrated libido.
My job is to provide information
that will allow my faithful readers to
circumvent such Valentinian (to coin
a word) disasters in a manner that
falan*in '.
ters for this column, it occurs to me that
one letter in particular stands out in my
mind.
"Dear Andrew," he wrote, "My
love life has been a shambles. I'm
trapped or have been trapped in a
vicious romantic cycle: Each year I
begin dating anew, and everything is
wonderful for quite some time.
"But when a picturesque
Christmas passes, and the drunken
haze that was New Year's Eve dissi-
pates from memory, the one I claim
leaves all parties involved - and
there may be several - satisfied.
Let's get our learn on.
I have some good news, by which
I mean horribly unpleasant news: In
all honesty I'm no expert in matters
of the heart. But, it's with some
relief I report to you that, in prepa-
ration for this column, I consulted a
highly respected panel of "experts
d'amour," some of whom are world-
class nymphomaniacs.
I should tell you that I found their
advice somewhat puzzling. Nothing
in their undoubtedly wise words
struck me as logical. Yet we must
assume that they know what they're
talking about, and apply their coun-
sel to our love lives in a manner rem-
iniscent of certain folk who take the
whole of the Bible literally.
Sexual theory and related groove
hypotheses are, however, very tedious,
and don't begin to compare to the real
thing. With that in mind, we'll choose to
ignore the remaining members on the
panel of experts and move on to the tit-
illating portion of this column: Toe-
sucking! Breast! Thigh! Buttock!
Crotch! Pectoral! Heaving bosom!
Hickey! Bare shoulder! Naked elbow!
Knee cap! Armpit! Clogged nostril!
Unwashed paunch!
Despite the nearly overpowering
imagery of the previous paragraph,
which practically brings us to the
point of a fictional On-Grooving, we
must admit that there are limitations
to what the written word can do.
What I'm saying, in typical round-
about fashion, is that you, mon hyp-
ocrite lecteurs, have exhausted what
I do for you. All that's left for you is
to go out there this Valentine's Day
and put the capital G in Groove.
And should anything go wrong,
please don't hesitate to call me. Though
I can't guarantee I'll be available.
Chunky Monkey is a jealous mistress.
- Andrew Mortensen has vivid but
forgettable dreams. He can be
reached via e-mail at
admorten@umich.edu.
There's a whole world
out there!
Explore it with Contiki-
The #1 tour for 18-35 year olds
By Asfa Rafeeq
Daily Staff Reporter
Legend has it that the two black
cement pumas at the Natural Science
Museum let out a roar every time a virgin
walks by. There hasn't been any recent
report of the felines coming to life.
But the two icons of University fertil-
ity might have it wrong. Although not
the majority, there are many students at
the University that choose to wait until
marriage to have sex.
What gives them the will to go
against the tide?
For many of those practicing absti-
nence, religion provides the basis for
their conviction that sex is too special to
have before marriage.
LSA senior Gail Kim, who identified
herself as a "practicing Christian", said
she is waiting until marriage to have sex.
She attributed her strong belief in absti-
nence to values instilled in her by family
and religion.
"Growing up, we all knew it just was-
n't an option," she said.
Kim remembered being surprised at
the pervasiveness of sex when she
arrived on campus as a first-year stu-
dent. Living in South Quad Residence
Hall, she said, was eye-opening.
"The walls are really thin there," she
said. "You hear people talking about it
in high school, but here you can really
hear and see (people having sex)"
University Health Service Director
Caesar Briefer estimated that "the vast
majority of students are sexually active."
Because contraceptives and condoms
have about 90 percent effectivity, the dan-
gers of pregnancy and sexually transmit-
ted diseases don't deter many students
from having sex, Briefer said. Yet absti-
nence remains an option.
"Abstinence is 100 percent effective -
there's nothing as good," Briefer said.
But Kim, like many others who are
waiting until marriage, said she doesn't
base her reasons to remain abstinent on
worries about pregnancy and STDs.
"I'm saving myself for marriage
because I want to be able to give myself
wholly and fully to my partner," Kim
said. "Sex is just all that much n
cial and important if you can ho
Kim said she is greeted with
and disbelief when others lean
conviction to remain abstinent.
LSA junior Ricky Stern s
although he is sexually active, he
those with the will to remain abs
"I think it's fine. If somebody
es to follow (abstinence), I s
power to them," Stern said.
Several religions regard mar
a covenant that exclusively has
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