126 --9he Michigan Daily Weefn Magazine - Thursday,JiNary 21, 1999 ® Weekend, Etc. Column M.._ _ _ _ s A The Michi Daily Weekend h w w Jan. 21: Take Me Out to the Hal of Fame A PIsGAH SIGHT OF HEROISM The soft lamentations of failing society curl gently in the caverns of my ear and tug with emaciated fingers at the strings of my heart. I look across the wide sweep of contemporary civilization's barren plains and see no hope of solace, no source of relief; above me, the dull sky gives no promise of fertile rains to green the wasted land. Tongues of dust stirred by weak wind lick against the shins of humanity's headless body. In despair, I begin to turn away, preparing to relin- quish hope. But I catch myself, and I think: This is a latent time in history. There is an untapped genius sleeping in the flesh of my frightened fellow human beings. All we need is something - or more appro- priately, someone - capable of drawing that brilliance up from its slumber to set the world aright. In the '60 and much of the '70s it was thought that drugs were the answer, and with great zeal thousands ingested injected inhaled illicit chemi- cals, intent on uncovering the truth; but, while I'm not rejecting drugs as a possi- ble answer (never believe it!), it's quite clear that the zealots of yesteryear were pnsuccessful in their quest: the only last- ing result of their endeavors is, sadly, us. So much for the something. We must therefore direct our efforts towards the discovery of a someone, upon whom to place the hopes and dreams of all present and future genera- tions. What I'm assert- ing here, in some- thing of an oblique manner, is that we lack heroes. We revolve like motes of dust searching for someone to whom we may cling while we move pathetically from day to daunt- ing day. Whither can we turn? We look to our political AN MORTE )(ON'I REGISTRATION OFFICERS $18.00/HOUR PIECE WORK FULL TRAINING Call Mon.-Fri. 9 am - 5 pm 1-888-356-7666 leaders and behold a randy president, hate-filled ignorami, and reprehensible hypocrites, all of whom eclipse the politi- cians who might be worthy of praise. The reek of excess and avarice assaults our nostrils when we consider our Olympian sports figures. Prominent religious lead- ers preach hatred and intolerance while claiming to be the source of compassion and understanding. In short, our present idols have feet of clay. DREW Pull down these imperfect idols, I say.: ENSEN We need them not. Their time is at an 1)EP AQS end. But to replace them, we shall need to T GE create new heroes, new heroes with cer-. AN y tain qualities that place them above the common man. With this in mind, and with the intent of alienating the a large portion of the student body, I have devel- oped an heroic prototype which I now. reveal for your consideration. The first and most outstanding quality of my prototypical hero is his unfounded and frequently comical self-righteous- ness, which he articulates in a language not quite a recognizable dialect of English. When he comes under attack, as he frequently does, for his inscrutable lifestyle, he responds as any true hero might, not with violence and rage, but with calm disdain and astounding inco- herency. With the help of his fellow heroes, he artifices unintelligible retorts to his detractors' attacks. Witness this example of unbridled - some might say scathing - wit, elicited by the public's distrust of the new breed of hero: "In response to overwhelming ignorance and imbecility of those who oppose my insti- tution, I hereby call for an end to unso- licited (hero) criticism." Perhaps, readers, you might wish to take a breather after running unsuspect- ing into that veritable nest of erudition. Phew! The shaky grasp of the language evident in the example is simply stagger- ing. But lest you think that muddy out- burst unusual, I present you with the fol- lowing to prove, unequivocally, that the prototype harbors'an utter contempt for the usual vehicle of thought and commu- nication: "Such behavior is unacceptable with any other segment of student soci- ety, and (hero) bashing does not exoner- ate an individual from providing a lucid, sensible argument." Unless, of course, one is a hero. But this is no shame. Better men than this particular hero have attempted to ver- balize the allure of heroism and have failed just as miserably as he. Despite the legacy of failure left to him by his prede- cessors, he certainly does give it the old college try and retains his essential "hero- ness' producing by the machinations of his mythy mind this memorable assault on prejudice: "Unfortunately, it is this proclivity of certain students, the tenden- cy to stereotype and ostracize a particular segment of student society because arriv- ing at true means of comprehension would simply be too difficult or time con- suming, that directs the uneducated mind to a similar level of ignorance." Hear hear! Ignoring for the moment - check that - ignoring the higher conno- tations of the above example because it hasn't any, you must concede that super- human modesty, shot through with quiet, misdirected pride, characterize the heroic sentence. Allow me to clarify: To be a hero means to be elite. This implies that most people are not on the same level as the hero, and hence must be reminded of their own insignificance, relative to the hero. For this hero to stoop to our level and accuse us of practicing ostracism is the epitome of humility. Or possibly hypocrisy. But it is not my place to judge: I fear I haven't an heroic bone in my body. And so, faithful readers, I urge you to prepare to submit your wills to the more perfect whims of the hero. Perhaps if we succumb quietly we too may share in the hero's glory and be "damn proud." -Andrew Mortensen looks forward to ignoring the majority of your e-mail. He may be reached at admorten@umich.edu. Post card courtesy of The Baseball Hall of Fame The Hall of Fame's "Ball Parks" exhibit is just one of the many offerings available at Cooperstown. It's hundreds of years of history all In one afternoon. BASEBALL Continued from Page 483 home runs through 112 games in 1994 before the strike ended what could have been his date with immortality. Harry Carey's glasses are on display and a seat from Old Comiskey sits definitely in all its paint-chipped, advertising-free glory. Though nearly everyone agrees 1998 signified baseball's resurgence as our national past time, it is sort of refreshing to know that as far as Cooperstown is concerned, the game never lost that dis- tinction. There will not always be a special room devoted to the achievements of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, but what they gave the game will always be there - with their memorabilia eventually tak- ing its rightful place beside all the other history crammed into an unassuming building in the middle of an unassuming town. For in Cooperstown, N.Y - $23 million/year salary demands and crip- pling strikes aside - baseball will always be king. Ii . . / What: The Baseball Hall of Fame, Cooperstown, N.Y. J ow to get there: Take 1-94 to the Ambassador Bridge and Can Elizabeth Way. Use the Peace Bridge to re-enter the United State Highway 39. Their will be signs for the Cooperstown exit. Once 01 the roundabout. The hall: is on the right and parking is available o / Now long: 12 hours / How Much: $12 at the door. If you need a place to stay, lots of $3C '4 w 09 ---, LOOK HO iR R DISGiRUNTLED A HOT OHLaf ts 1EcWT S1uoENfS!F 114E LEAGUE UNWROWD WAGR AS ACEt i 1 t & P L A C E F R ' f a yi . . A L S O Q A S G 1E. } 1, _--- I UNDERGROUNDP I I ';1 ,! - momf % IN \I IAE UKUNDO U ALi'SO 44S ... r t ". k UON'T ropwT.7'947' fj4 UE UNDERGROUND ISA GREAT PLACE FOR SlUDEW5 To HOLD HEIR WC- At EVENTS. o vES ARE c Qucf Rr"NT fa WJ to! cmr! Ta'E LEAGUE " " , , e e - e e t /'" 911 N. UNIVERSITY ANN ARBOR, M148109-12&5 A 0IY"5t M Of StOUt"i Affmmt, LEAGUE PIE RICHARDSON'S 0 P T I CAL Student discounts on eye exams and eyeglasses Great Brands Polo TommyHilfiger Calvin Klein LET OUR FINGERS DO THE TY FOR BETTER THINGS...LIKE PLAYI It's the only video game with the Tostitos* Fiesta Bow where #1 meets #2 for the National Championsh So pick your team. Pick your victims. And sta writing some history. 01998 Electronic Arts. EA SPORTS, the EA SPORTS logo. "If it's in the game, it's in the g are trademarks or registered trademarks of Electronic Arts in the U.S. and for other count PlayStation and the PlayStation logos are registered trademarks of Sony Computer Entertair Licensed Collegiate Products label is the exclusive property of the Collegiate Licensing C Licensed Products label is the property of the Independent Labeling Group. All names, logos cots associated with the NCAA, universities, bowls and conferences are the exclusive pro owners.The NCAA Football logo is a registered trademark of the NCAA. All other tradema respective owners. A