The Michigan Daily - New Student Edition - September 8, 1998 - 5B 4naomy of a class discussion: Nkltzsche disciples, ki _pies and butt-sm oockcrs ilasses large enough to require dis- cussions tend to be filled with all different types of people. In such an environment, one has the opportunity to see Yellow classmates up close and personal and Jecome privy to their innermost intellectual thoughts and personal otions regarding the bject matter of the class. And it's scary as hell. A - Honesty hn o could get a more bal- ainced and level-headed g~roup of people if you JAMES took 30 people at ran- MILLER dom from the West Miller on Virginia State Fair and Tap t5 un Show. jHaven't you ever wondered how the University manages to find such a huge crop of yo-yos for each :Mass and what they do when they're not sit- ting next to you, doing a crossword puzzle atnd trying not to get drool on their shoes? Well, somebody has to. And since I get paid to do this Let's start off with my favorite: The .Nietzsche disciple. Generally, they have a slow, vacant look on their face, apparently weighed down by their giant intellect. They have a lot of stuff scribbled on their back- pack and are covered with little pins from hang dog leftist causes that they rabidly support and barely understand. He/she will usually reek of clove smoke and espresso and have a copy of "Beyond Good and Evil" hanging conspicuously from their pocket, as if to scream "I-iy, I read complicated books of philosophy! I'm smart and all of those guys who beat me up in the eighth grade for painting my nails black are just tools of the establishment. man!" Favorite quote: "Yeah man, that's jest like what Nietzsche says in this book I'm read- ing. It's by Nietzsche. He's sayin' that all those Christian weirdos are just sheep, man. He says you just gotta do your own thing, man. You know, like be your own God, or like, Superman, or sonmething. Yeah mail. Nietzsche." . The Lost Stoner. This guy is easy to spot. A whiff of patchouli and the rustling wool of his Guatemalan sweater will herald his coming. His hair is in the horrid middle stage of dreadlock transformation and looks as if he spent the niorning smearino it with rubber cement and putting those little rings In it. Kind of a Timothy Learv Christmna, tree. Favorite quote: None, really. The men ot the species usually keep quiet. The women can often be overheard speaking in high, childishly excited voices that come from the joy of being bra-less. Something about how they hugged a puppy in the Diag on a sunny day and will now~ be happy for the rest of the week and might even write a short story about it. Oh, by the way, they 'just spent their last S50) on a navel ring and are grubbing quar- ters in front of Stairway to H1eaven, but that's okay because they're really cool. Like a Phish show, or something. The Apple Polisher (also known as Bobby Butt-Smoocher). The dead give- away of the Aipple Polisher is the nod. They nod vigorously to everything the professor says, as if having a personal conversation. Often, he/lshe will have taken at least one other class with the professor and will use this previous relationship to foster a mis- placed sense of intimacy with them. Favorite quote: Given the fact that they hav e such a close relationship with the pro- fessor, they are given to addressing theme by their first name, in that grating, nose-first w~ay that raises the hackles on the back of your neck. They make frequent comments like: "Well1, Robert, my reading of Joyce here is that all of Western civilization is construct- ed upon the supremacy of the phallus. I mean look, even the book itself is shaped like at penis, if you roll it up and look at it right. See, I'm an expert otn the phallocracy because I let the girls at the NOW meeting cut my hair. I've been to three whole Women's Studies semninars, so I know wh tsg o o l o e .'D facto Urban Outfitter employees. Just look for a crossw~ord puzzle. These are the ones (girls for the most part) xvho would rather be anywhere else but class. Their eyes move about the room nervously. They shift their clogs under the desk in boredom. If asked a direct question they will stare blankly and repeat the question back to the GSI, rephrased with a few hundred "likes." Most of the time they travel with a partner (because obviously, nothing is good if your friends don't think so), one in the same sorority or with the same shade of brown i lipstick. Favorite quote: "\o % ay! With hime'? Lww. that is so gross,! Well, she w~as so drunk at that tw~o-way she probably didn't know what she was doing. I think she's fatt. Do you think she's fat'? Are we supposed to turn in a paper today or something''" Th~z,re are thousands more. Those of you dealing with thesec (and other) nimrods. please send me your observations via e- mail. The quest for knowledge and small- minded. personal attacks must not be impeded. -- James Nfi//er is a Daily columinist. He call be r-eachedl via e-mail at jatmespm~g, itmich.xcl/u. Edlitor :x note: This column or-iginalli' ran on Fd'uarv 19, 1997. ht tp://www.pub. umich. eduldaily Roommates can be fun, __________________________even fthey're strangers Won't you be won't you be VW ~please won't you be.. my roommate. No, I'm not Mister Rogers. I never give my shoes that little, playful toss when I take them off My mailman would probably beat me up if I called him Mr. McFeely. Idon't even have a trolley running through my living room. (Unless the ants in there have built one while I've been at the Dily. Don't laugh, I came home from it softball game last month to see a tiny Stonehenge on my porch: I'm sure their civiliza- tion has advanced and 1 have a problem All of RICK inmy roommates FREEMAN have been well, Freeman at little odd. of the Press And now, I'm living with a friend I've had since freshman year and some chick I don't even know. This is my senior year, and I'm still rooming~ blind. OK, OK, before you guys come and break down my door (you know where I live, don't you?) let me say one thing. We're all adults here. I know I wasn't the best roommate ei thier. And now, as an adult, I'm going to whine about you all. Just like any self-respecting adult with the mentality of a seven-year-old would do. First, of course, there's the first roommate every student has, the one assigned scientifically by the H-ousing Department based on the very scientific principle of Whichever Names "They Felt Like Sticking Together at That Particular Mom ent, According to the University's system, I was a perfect match for my roommate. And we had a lot in common. For example, both of us are male. Other than that, we had about as much in common as Janet Reno and lFabio. (I get to be Fabio, in this one, of course.) We realized this, and now when we see each other, we stop and chat. We get along great. But then, we kept to ourselves, mostly. And kept a bottle of air-freshener in the closet. H e did bathe regularly, an underappreciated quality in a room- mate, if ever there was one. But he had a number of small eccentrici- ties that can only be described as "a number of small eccentricities." Sam - as I call him, because that's what everyone calls him - was a world-class bridge player. I'm not making this up. He also took writing papers seriously. His mom, clad in her purple tie-dye T- shirt, would come by and help him. Not that he wasn't snart - he was probably the smartest person in .......East Quad. But I beat him at chess, Sophomore year, I roomed with four hallmates from the dorm, After living with each other for approxi- mately four minutes, we realized Busch's, H e has this vinyl recliner that is the most study-ime-sucking object known to man. He has a 95-inch TV (OK, I'm exaggerating, but it's really big.) Fi-I has a refrigerator. Hle has a Jeep. All of which are in my apart- ment now. (Except the Jeep, but that'sn another story -- even though he's gone. His microwave would be there too, but he lost it, Yes, he lost his microwave. Hasn't everyone done that once or twice'?- Gary can be a little scatter- brained. But there's no better per- son to procrastinate with. Or mooch stuff from (I think I still owe him ten bucks and a microwave.) But I can't be sure my new roomn- mate will be like this. She's from New York, and likes theater. Which :x explains why my old roommate - the one who's leaving - refers to her as "the theater chick." I've already found out that she's' from New York, doesn't expect to E be in the apartment much, and 4 ktnows a classmate of mine from high school and grade school. But does she have any cool, big ticket consumer goods I can use when she's not home? Or any cool power tools'? Gary was great for" this, too. Will she come to my room to close my door if the stereo's too loud, the way one ex-roommate of mine did, leaving her own door wide-open'? Will her significant other come stink up our bathroom (yes, this happened) while we're watching the Michigan State game? See, I shouldn't have to deal with this. I'm a senior, and (probably) leaving here in eight short months. I'm supposed to know my room- mates by now. Mornings, I'm sup- posed to be able to walk around my apartment in my underwear --,, scratching myself, if I feel so inclined - and not worry in the least who sees me. I mean, with a new roommate moving in, it'll be at least a week". before I can do that. But maybe that's one of the things I'll miss about college. Not so much the scratching - I can do that anywhere - but the way cor- plete strangers are accepted blindly. You go to Michigan? OK, I guess I can trust you enough to live with you. This doesn't happen elsewhere. You can't get a spiffy new job mov- ing numbers from one side of a piece of paper to the other at somec faceless office tower in New York and say: You and I, we live in New York together, sure let's get a place. - Sure. Think about this, think about ran- domly living with a coworker (or a New Yorker) out of nowhere. No, way. Wouldn't even think about it. But in college, it's somehow OK. Solely because we go to the same school, Joanna -- or whoever she is - and I are roommates. We will share a kitchen, aliving room, ants, a bathroom and the strange room upstairs that's kind of like a hall- way. Maybe she'll figure out what to call it. I don't care. I just want to relish Ivivn.-i nurs. LLLUU lr:&VI' livlVJ r. v v v es ,.