3B- The Whigan Daily Weeketd Agazine - Thursday, Septem 17,;1998

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EiWeekend etc. Column
SOME ADVICE TO HELP STUDENTS JOIN THE ELITE
COMPANY OF THE "FASHIONABLY AWARE"

God save us from the plague of fash-
n faux pas.
I imagine many of you are out there
>ling your eyes, snorting in disbelief
this statement. That's fine. I'm sure
>u just don't know any better. You've
dvej xpcrienced first-hand the humil-
tion of arriving at a party in formal
'ear when the invitation specifically
id semi-formal. You simply don't
aderstand.
In an effort to raise consciousness
garding this pressing problem, I have
ecided to share some of my fashion
Kpertise with you all. With luck, we'll
l1 have learned something by the time
m done, and have some fun in the
rocess.
I am - and I say this modestly - a
Allblown fashion expert, having spent

the better part of three years contem-
plating my navel at the prestigious
Universite du Fromage in London,
France. During the
long hours of my z"}
contemplation, I t
came across the
key to perfect
style. (I credit this F
to the relentless
marketing of one
Tommy Hilfiger,
whose support and
singular drive to
brainwash the ANDREW
youth of America MORTENSEN
is a continuing [oj; A.
inspiration for me.) ( D N ' Gui
The combinations A y
of clothing I've
developed, along with the subtle usage
of appropriate accessories, will
absolutely guarantee your position at
the height of the social ladder.
I swear by the first stitch sewn by
Calvin Klein that you'll be the life of
every party you grace with your pres-
ence. In a show of complete charity very

unlike me, as I usually charge high fees,
I'm freely revealing those secrets of fash-
ion, I suggest you all find a pencil and a
piece of paper to take some notes.
A friend recently complained to me
that he felt he was running into the
same people everywhere he went on
campus. Poor, simple man, he wasn't
running across the same people every-
where, as though he were the victim of
some odd and incompetent conspiracy;
rather, he had stumbled over large pock-
ets of the Fashionably Aware. These
people have learned that the first rule in
style is to kill all sense of individuality.
You must look like everyone else.
Don't dress as though you have a mind
of your own: this just embarrasses all
involved. It's best for you to sit back and
observe for awhile until you get the
hang of anticipating what everyone else
will wear. I know it sounds hard, but
believe me, you'll catch on fast!
I've decided to focus primarily on for-
mal wear in this column. This is merely
because I hold that appearance is of cru-
cial importance to your worth as a human
being. But the principles I've laid out for
you can be applied to informal dress as
well, should the necessity arise.
Before we get into specific articles of

clothing, let me remind you that earth-
tones are the wave of the future, and
natural dyes are held in especially high
esteem. To that end, we will be employ-
ing the use of soil with some frequency.
First of all, check your pants. You may
wear one of two types of trousers: a)
khaki slacks; or b) jeans. Don't attempt
both at once; to do so is to indulge in the
basest form of excess. If you decide that
jeans are the way to go, please note that
not just any jeans are suitable for party-
ing. No sir, your jeans should be fully
capable of standing on their own, or, if
possible, capable of walking. If you
notice that your jeans aren't pulling your
weight, so to speak, don't despair!
Just head to the nearest University
bus stop. The bus drivers would be
more than happy to run over your jeans
a few times, ensuring your pants will be
ready for a night out on the town.
Next ask yourself, "Does my hat have
that wretched, dilapidated, yet mysteri-
ously sexy look?" If the answer is no,
break out the razor blades and give your
hat the once over. After carefully slash-
ing the hat, head outside. You're looking
for a filthy gutter. Once you find one,
drag the hat through the sludge no more
than three times. I simply can't empha-

U 1

~IFE
(AND
AUSTRALIAS
OUTBACK)
STARTS AT
FLI NERS!

Every year more and more
young American students dis-
cover that 'life' experience is
just as important as study in
your chosen career path.The
Flinders University of South
Australia offers you the best
of both.Add to this student
services that are second to
none and a beautiful campus
that provides on campus
accommodation and you've
got a great place to study.

size this enough. More than three times,
and the hat begins to look revolting
rather than Rugged and Alluring.
Ladies, the word on the street in
women's fashion is "tight." Tight pants
are particularly important. Ideally, your
pants should cut off all circulation below
your knees. This allows you to ignore the
irreparable damage your pontoon-like
shoes are doing to your feet, and at the
same time imparts a dangerous, fascinat-
ing, not to mention unsteady, quality to
your walk. Your shirts should be tight as
well, but I can't say this without also
adding a word of warning: too tight, ana
you run the risk of constricting bloodflow
to your brain. I don't need to tell you this
isn't good. Don't forget you'll be playing
the opposite to the guys' au naturelle
ensemble, so clean clothes are a must.
But you do want to match your colors to
theirs at least somewhat, that way you
will blend perfectly with the herd, so it's
best to stick to earthtones; dark browns
and blacks are highly recommended.
And that just about exhausts the
stores of my extensive knowledge. It's
finally time to send you out on your
own to test your newfound expertise ...
I just know you'll do well.
Now go out there and make me proud!
BARS
Continued from Page 38
place was packed," Iloh said, adding
hints that fights erupting between
opposing fans are not uncommon.
With murals of the legendary
Wolverines, football, basketball and
hockey stars alike, adorning the walls
and big screen TVs hugging every cor-
ner both up and downstairs, some say
Touchdown is the perfect place to go
before a home game and during an
away game.
"We come back every year for the
home opener because it has the sense
of family, part of the Wolverine family,"
said Sandy Diamond, a recent
University graduate.
Fine food and drink are not the only
enticing qualities of the local bar scene.
Socializing ranks at the top of most stu-
dents priority lists when it comes to
making it a night out on the town.
"I like going to the bars because I see
people that I normally wouldn't see at
parties, people I haven't seen since
freshmen year," said Michelle Gonder,
an SNRE senior.
Just about every day and night of
the year, all bars in and around town
possess their own specialties, sights
and sounds ranging from the quiet
atmospheres with expensive brews to
the rowdiest venues with mountains
of cheap pitchers, live music and
dancing.
The options are endless and the
enthusiasm is contagious - with those
newly turned legal catching on quickly
and those already veteran bar-going
students hanging on to their youth and
good times for awhile longer over
another round.

But when it's time to close the books, you'll find Adelaide- is the
perfect place to start your experience of Australia's true
outback. Combine this with nearby white sandy beaches
and a pleasant Mediterranean climate and you have
the education experience of a lifetime.
Contact the International Office,
Flinders University,
GPO Box 2100, Adelaide, SA 5001,AustraliaQ
Toll Free Phone I 800 686 3562
Fax01II6b18*8201 3177
Web: http:Iladminwww.flinders.edu.aulintoff/home.html
E-mail: intl.office@flinders.edu.au