14A - The Michigar Daily - Monday, September 28, 1998 'Legend' filled with empty plot By Erin Podoisky ("Dawson's Creek") and the Brenda Daily Arts Writer (Rebecca Gayheart, known as Throughout the past several years, Noxema Girl), along with various we have seen an explosion in teen other fourth-rate teen pin-ups. slasher films, bringing an endless This time out, the supposedly hor- parade of TV hotties onto the big rifying premise is a killer who mur- screen during their summer hiatuses. ders each of its victims in a different The latest addition to this tired way, according genre is the third generation B-list to various popu- horror dynasty wannabe "Urban lar myths. Legend," a movie that is scary for all ** Conveniently, the wrong reasons. Urban the details are It should have stayed a mildly Legend readily accessi- entertaining myth instead of pollut- ble in a cute lit- ing perfectly good movie theaters. tle encyclopedia "Urban Legend" stars Alicia Witt At Briarwood of urban legends ("Cybill"), Jared Leto ("My So- and Showcase available in the Called Life"), Joshua Jackson C , school library. it b r} fR, There's that age-old one about the dude who sticks his dog in the microwave after giving it a bath. Fraternity party hijinks or vicious animal cruelty? You be the judge. Remember the story of the baby- sitter who got a phone call from a killer only to discover he was calling from inside the house? Wait a minute - wasn't that another movie? "Well, that really happened to a girl in my home town," Brenda announces in the urban legends class that the stars are all conveniently tak- ing. "Urban Legend" attempts to set up a sort of reality within a reality, but it ultimately all comes crashing down in a pile of celluloid rubble. Or what about the guy who parks with his girlfriend in the middle of Courtesy of TriStar Pictures Alicia Witt and Rebecca "Noxema Girl" Gayheart star as Natalie and Brenda in the thriller "Urban Legend." courtesy of TriStar Pictures Robert Englund makes a non-Freddy- like appearance In "Urban Legends." Wednesday Cheeseburger Lunch Special 1/3 lb ground beef on homebaked roll, with lettuce and tomato, served with fries only 3 .a49 nowhere, gets out of the car to go to the bathroom, and ends up hanging from a tree? R.I.P. Jackson, who appears to be playing the peroxide blonde version of his "Dawson's Creek" character and is the most wisecrackingly entertaining aspect of the movie aside from Leto's gor- geous blue eyes and certain members of the female cast's physical charac- teristics. Naturally, Jackson dies lit- tle more than 10 minutes after the opening credits. This is a pity because it leaves more empty screen space for Noxema Girl to fill with her scary big hair and scary big eyes. As the film progresses, Noxema Girl's eyes bug out further and fur- ther. It is as if she was badly fright- ened as a child and then (another urban legend!) her face froze that way. Yes, this means that she is, lam- entably, still alive deep into the film's latter half. More than that I cannot say. Witt, whose skin has a suspiciously wax paper-ish, corpse-like cast to it despite the fact that all outward signs point to her as a live person, plays the token "Oh, I'm so victimized" char- acter who is being murderously haunted by a past transgression. Leto backs her up as Pendleton College's resident radical journalist who appears to care more about get- ting a story than helping people. Also along for the ride are "Elm Street" alum Robert Englund as a professor with a dark history, Loretta Devine as the sole campus security guard who uses "Foxy Brown" as a motivational tape and John Neville ("The X-Files"'s Well Manicured Man) as the well-manicured college dean. "Urban Legend" has been stocked with plenty of pop culture references that are designed to make the audi- ence think that this is another witty, self-referential scary movie. This ruse wears thin as the movie wears long - even Noxema Girl Brenda is actually referred to within the film as looking like, well, the Noxema Girl. The film tries too hard and pro- vides too little, right down to the req- uisite open-for-a-sequel-if-the- money-is-right conclusion. You can almost see the little gears turning in the writer and director's minds as they cackle with glee that they are sealing their financial futures by fill- ing their sorry film with hot young properties and franchise opportuni- ties. It's enough to make you want to consume a snack of Pop Rocks and Pepsi. 'Chambernaid' sinks with'Titanic' By Matthew Barrett high points is Marie pouing a bowl Daily Arts Witer . of hard-boiled eggs on the lucky The pulse quickens. Could it be? fella.) The tales of Jack and Rose that Horty's talks at the bar begin to never made the original film? Or grow in popularity and pretty soon maybe a special collection of more everyone in town is coming to lis- James Horner music that couldn't ten, including his wife. be squeezed onto the first two When he is telling the stories, soundtracks? Deleted scenes that Horty comes off as nothing more James Cameron decided to release than an over-the-top loverboy, and as a feature length flick? his lovable prose is too much for No, sorry to disappoint, "Titanic" even the most romantic of viewers fans, but "The Chambermaid On to swallow. Horty tells his loyal fol- The Titanic" has nothing to do with lowing that when Marie passed out, last year's smash hit except for the "I revived her with my tongue." The boat. And this means no Leo! only defense that a writer can claim The film, which is in French with on a line such as this is that some- English subtitles, is simply another thing was lost in the translation. meager pebble on the pile of all As bad as the foreign film is things Titanic that has accumulated when Horty is telling stories and since the film's release. flashing back to his hot night, it "The Chambermaid On The gets much worse later on. Horty is Titanic" centers around Horty discovered by a director at a bar, (Olivier Martinez), a married, mid- and becomes involved in an absurd, dle-class worker in France who traveling "Titanic" theatrical pro- wins an all-accommodations trip to duction where he does little more watch the Titanic set sail from than remi- England in a local contest. nisce about (Exciting, but not quite as much as his lost love. seeing Jack Dawson slam down the (Maybe that's winning cards.) Chambermaid what Cal did Shortly after he arrives in on the Titanic after Rose England, Horty is greeted at his d u m p e d hotel door by Marie, a lonely cham-*him?) bermaid on the Titanic looking for a At state In fact, place to stay. (Sure she's a little there would upset, but she can't hold a candle to a b s o lu t e I y the tortured Rose.) That night, nothing posi- Horty says he'll sleep on his chair tive about the but the audience has a pretty good love story idea where things are headed. (other than its When Horty wakes the following short running morning, the chambermaid is gone, time) if not and all that he can find to remember for a beautiful sequence that takes her by is a photograph taken short- place on a beach late at night. Horty ly before she left. Horty returns wades out into a perfect pool of home, but cannot focus and is blue water, and with lights shining obsessed with images of the cham- down on it, the moment is breath- bermaid. This leads to his pouting taking. A shot like this makes you at the top of a tower and eventually wonder what writer-director Bigas losing his job. Luna was thinking when he did the These feelings of heartache are rest of the film? only compounded when he learns But even the most brilliant of that Marie is believed to have been beaches can't make this movie among the victims of the ship's worth seeing. The story is a maze of crash. twists and lies, all of which involve Slowly his friends at the bar characters that the audience could- begin to pry information out of n't care less about. Bottom line, this Horty, and as he dishes on his hot movie is about as enjoyable as lis- night the movie cuts to flashbacks tening to a James Cameron accep- of the torrid romance. (One of the tance speech. Read the Daily Online at www michIgandaly.corn 4real music. rri'1"tscae rev 2. (uesdayr) -W] M t eIf a m As h c s ia d ta) ZJ o.~Lessh J A A~h9C5w JJ Pi~ik 6tp * oivt ,lvn JD wn"/ Mws O VA ANN ARSOF 11:30am-3pm Also Sunday 12pm-3pm esday Night Drink Special English Pint Night 90 off Pints of English Beers 9pm-close 338 S. State St. 996-9191 www.Ashley's.com n ® rrirr r ni a r i i i Get inside the: min SOUL f R/3 You want a company that makes cool stuff. You want a company that's big enough to have offices around the world, but small enough to notice you. 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