4B - The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, September 3, 1997 "Excuse me?" Search for hidden meanings behind what you're told hen it comes to college, AIeveryone seems to have T advice. In case you haven't noticed, this period of your life is called a "crucial turning point," and gives family members, authority fig- ures and distant relatives an excuse to tell you all of their old college stories, followed by concise tidbits of advice. You may be thinking, "Gee, I haven't gotten this much attention since I fell off the stage during the Very Young Democrats Award Ceremony in fifth grade." But as the urgent one-line reminders pile up, you will most likely begin to feel like those around you think you are going off to live in seclusion in a Buddhist temple for four years. In order to help you survive the< first few precari- ous weeks, it's helpful to know what people actu- ally mean when they say certain things to you. This ALICE includes not only ROBINSON family members, ALICE'S but a myriad of WONDERLAND University charac- ters who are sure to enter your life soon, whether you like it or not. For example, when your mother says, "You're going to have so much fun," she really means, "Please don't got any body parts pierced like that girl we just passed on State Street." When your father says, "Call me if you need any money," he really means, "Call me if you need any money for the first week" When your younger sister says, "I'll write to you!" she really means, "Yes! Now I get your room!" When your brother says during your first phone call home, "Uh, do you guys like study there and stuff?" he really means, "Uh, do you guys like study there and stuff?" Of course, you may also be puzzled by the things many people say to you while you're at the University. Allow me to be of assistance. When your graduate student instruc- tor says, "I expect you to analyze all facets of the issue and flush out your reasoning with various examples to strengthen your paper,"he really means, "I don't expect you to skip any fraternity parties Friday night to work on this, but if you use lots of big words and bullshit well you might still get a B." When your bubbly new resident advi- sor says, "Feel free to come to me if you need anything at all,"she really means, "You'll probably see me two days out of the next eight months, but that's why I have this cute dry-erase board with cows on it on my door, right?" When your academic advisor looks at your high school transcript and says, "Well, you did good in French, have you considered studying abroad?" he really means, "The French department told me they would have to shut down if they didn't get more students -whaddya say I sign you up as a concentrator?" When your first-year seminar on plant life professor says, "This course was designed to have sort of a less bur- dening work load, which is essential so that we can explore the topic deeply and thoroughly and immerse ourselves in the central theme," she really is saying, "This class is a piece of cake!" When the Rho Chi in charge of your rush group gushes, "I like, love your sweater"she really means, "I would never be caught dead wearing that hideous piece of argyle, but I, like, total- ly have to say something to go with the permanent smile plastered on my face!" When the ATM machine asks, "Would you like to make another transaction?" it really means, "I know you're in a big rush and you have class in two minutes, but I really enjoy ask- ing you incredibly useless questions just to aggravate you." When the nurse at University Health Services says, "If you have any prob- lems with the medication, let me know" he really means, "I hope you don't react to this stuff like the last guy who vomited all night." When the surly staffer at your resi- dence hall's front desk says,"Sorry, the vacuum is on loan right now,"she actu- ally means, "I'm only making $5.25 at this measly job, and in the last 2 min- utes - while I have been wasting my time with you - I could have read three more paragraphs of Danielle Steele." When the CRISP lady says over the phone, "Please enter the credit hours," don't be fooled. What the familiar electronic voice really means is, "You have half a millisecond to press the damn number, kid, or I will lead you into voice-mail hell!" When the computer screen says, "An unexpected error has occurred," it really means, "I like this little icon of a bomb about to explode, so I made up a reason to put it on your screen, and by the way, I haven't saved any of your work!" In case any of these scenarios have left you a little bit disillusioned about coming to college, one last piece of advice: relax and have fun! -Alice Robinson is a Daily staff reporter She can be reached over e-mail at alicer@umich.edu. From disgusting to good times reside i alking away from orientation two summers ago, I remem- ber feeling a sense of enlight- enment that makes me laugh today. Little did I know that what was made to seem like the meat and potatoes of col- lege life in the preachings of spunky ori- entation leaders was not what I would need to make it through the next four years. The choice between Pattern I and Pattern II credit distributions once was a daunting task, but the decision was magically made for me after four semesters. Safewalk was a phone call away when traveling alone at night; now shelling out a few bucks for a Blue Cab is the preferred alternative to schlepping it through the snow. The MCard was in a category with the Visa Gold card, but now is only good for a Coke from an Angell Hall vend- ing machine. The University JANET uses everything from pamphlets to ADAMY the painfully JANET'S attended orienta- PLANET tion dance to accli- mate students to college life, but there's only one thing that can give freshmen the real 'U' experience: a few days in the dorms. College isn't about what takes place in the Chem Building, and it's much more than what goes on inside Yost Arena. It's about the day-to-day activities that occur in Markley, South Quad, Stockwell and all the other places that become tempo- rary homes to incoming students. What's so unique about your fresh- man year in the dorms is that it is the best opportunity that you'll ever get dur- ing your four years at school to make new friends. Before students have the chance to limit their relationships to hand-pick peer groups like The Star Trek Club and Beta Eta Thi, freshmen must first spend a few days in the dorms. Eager to find someone to share freshman ererience with (like gettino enlightening, n college dorns many students keep a safe enough dis- tance from the opposite sex not to know some of the other gender's more inti- mate behavior patterns. Although I saw "Animal House" before coming to school, I believed guys didn't really act so gross in college - until I caught one of the males living upstairs relieving himself out his window. Despite the turn-offs that can result from the proximity of the sexes, coed living can actually foster romantic rela- tionships. Living in the same dorm as someone you're dating, or, as is more common in college, just fooling around with, has pluses and minuses. Bonuses include the power that proximity has to bring people together quickly and the increased feasibility of the late-night booty call. A major drawback is Sunday's inconvenient cafeteria hours (most close around 1 p.m.) which force students to roll out of bed, neglect grooming and scramble just to make it inside dining hall doors. Seeing your bed-headed beau munching on an Eggs McMichigan is an easy way to kill your budding feelings of interest. Regardless of how well the notorious- ly homogenous dorm stereotypes fit (East Coasters in Markley and Lloyd, meat heads in South Quad and tortured souls in East Quad) you're guaranteed to meet people in your hall who are differ- ent from you and the people who attended your high school. Coming from a Midwestern town that is predom- inantly white, I received an entirely new experience living in a hall where the demographics were roughly one-third white, one-third black and one-third Asian, with the hometowns of my hall- mates ranging from as far west as California to as far east as Singapore. Sharing bathrooms and eating meals with this diverse group of people showed me more about different cul- tures than any anthropology class or University-sponsored multicultural sem- inar has ever taught me. Being run by the University, the dorms hold all kinds of introduce-you- tn-con1 1p-thrnuh-seminars-and-nam- . 3 .