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4B- The Michigan Daily Weekend Magazine - Thursday, September 26, 1996
8Sound and Fury
CLINTON,.
If the debate commission won't let
Ross Perot join in the mayhem of the
election year, by golly, someone has to.
It's a shame Dole didn't want Perot in
the debates; Perot makes less sense than
Dole.
Imagine the nerve of excluding Perot
because the commission doesn't think
he is a viable candidate. Plus, Clinton
and Dole will have spindoctors writing
their responses.
I mean, just how does one get the
issues addressed? Read on.
This past weekend, after several of my
favorite watery domestic beverages, 1
was surprised to find all three major can-
didates, Mr. Clinton, Perot and Dole,
DOLE AND PEROT - OH MY!
BY DEAN BAKOPOULOS
The Michigan Daily Weekend NM
I Entertainment News
Spike Lee signs with ABC;
Blondie stays apart for now
awaiting my entrance at the Bakopoulos
Political and Social Research
Foundation. Seizing the opportunity, as
well as a pint of whiskey from Mr. Dole,
I challenged the three politicians to an
impromptu, all-out debate. Dole and
Perot graciously accepted, though Mr.
Clinton tried to hold out for a game of
"Chutes and Ladders" instead. (He seems
to prefer a game where he can be all over
the board.)
Yours truly served as moderator.
ME: Gentleman, let's get right down
to it. Crime. Discuss.
DOLE: I'm against it. Let me tell
you, Bob Dole hates crime. Hates it.
Hates everything about it. Hates
McGruff the Crime Dog too.
CLINTON: (Turning to his left.) I
know several criminals, and you need to
lock them up, but you need to rehabili-
tate them as well. (Turns to the right.)
Burn them. Burn them. Chop their
stinking heads off!
PEROT: Now let me finish. Let me
finish! Can I finish? Can I finish?
ME: Time's up. Next question:
"What about universal health care?"
DOLE: Bob Dole doesn't need health
care. You saw Bob Dole fall off the
stage in California? (Sits down and sits
up quickly.) Bounced right back up. No
problem. (Passes out briefly.) No health
problems here. "Bob the Bod."You can
call me that. "Bobby the Body."
CLINTON: I'm glad you brought up
college loans. I believe that every
American has the right to an education
that is decent and fair.
ME: Mr. President, the question is in
regards to universal health coverage.
CLINTON: Education is a right. I've
always said that. Have you seen me do
the Macarena?
ME: OK next question.
PEROT: Let me talk. Let me finish!
ME: Next question.
PEROT: Can I, I say, can I finish?
I
ME: No. Focus here people, now let's
get back to the issues. Back to you Mr.
Dole. Discuss, if you will, the moral
direction of our nation.
DOLE: Bob Dole loves movies. He
watched them. Loved that "Terminator."
Do you know they talk in movies now?
They have sound and everything.
Movies make people bad. Makes peo-
ple fornicate and smoke grass.
RALPH REED: Give them heck
Bobby! (Pauses) Actually damn them
to hell, or you'll lose a heap of cam-
paign money.
ME: Mr. Reed, you aren't invited to
be in this debate. Please get off my
shoulder.
CLINTON: May I address that
morality issue?
DOLE: This should be good.
CLINTON: My polls are so good, I
think it's morally justifiable to start dat-
0
'Second City' is brilliant.'
-TIME MXAGAZINE
"Subtly &
Superbly funny!"
-NEW YORKP OST
ing again, ha ha ha. I'm just kidding.
(Pause) How about Katie Couric? Is she
around?
DOLE: Bob Dole tried to date Ms.
Couric. Tried the old tough war hero
routine. Didn't work well. Bob Dole
still feels young. Liddy has migraines.
Bob Dole has needs.
PEROT: I have needs too, old-timer. I
have a need to be heard. Now let me fin-
ish. I made up this chart with my Mr.
Smell-O scented markers ... .
ME: Mr. Perot, now you settle down,
or I'll stick you in this ziploc bag with
Mr. Reed.
REED: Humph. Harumph. Gag.
CLINTON: I have a real job. You
wouldn't understand, but I have to go.
DOLE: I understand you were a red,
flag burning bastard. Taxes lets talk
taxes. Fifteen percent across the board.
Take the money from those overpaid
McDonald's employees. Let's pay them
with McNuggets instead.
CLINTON: You can't feed a family
on McNuggets. Mmm ... McNuggets.
DOLE: Sure you can. Free sauce.
Four to choose from.
I'll spare you the ugly scene that
occurred afterwards, but I will say this:
The MTV "Rock the Vote" bus will be
on the Diag tomorrow registering young
voters. I know it's a little hokey, Gen X,
twentysomething deal: But it's effective.
And if you aren't registered yet, it's an
easy opportunity to do it.
Whoever you choose, why ever you
choose, please make a choice. A lot of
people have died, on our own soil, to
secure that right for Americans of all
race, genders and ethnicities. Do justice
to that brave legacy and use that right on
Nov. 5. (Begin humming favorite patri-
otic song now.)
- Dean Bakopoulos can be reached
over e-mail at deancjumich.edu.
"When In Rome"
The Italian Barbers
Dascola's
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FILM
~ Spike Lee recently signed with ABC
television - apparently the director
plans on creating a sitcom called "LIE."
Developed and executive-produced by
Lee, the 1997 show will follow the hap-
penings of two Long Island Expressway
commuters, one black, one white.
~ Mark Canton, the 47-year-old
chairman of the Columbia Tri-Star
Motion Picture group resigned mid-
month after five years
with the company.
Why? Namely three
reasons: 1.)
"Striptease" 2.) "The
Cable Guy" 3.) "The
Fan." After all, who
would want to stay after
the flop of such high-
priced, hyped-up films?
The position, which has
already been declined
by vice chairman Lucy
Fisher, still needs to be
filled.
~ Oops. Apparently, Poet Allen Gin
Sharon Stone made a mistake last
week at the Tribute to Style dinner and
charity auction sponsored by Italian
Vogue and Lexus. Special guest
Placido Domingo sang a rendition of
"Granada," and afterward, Stone
thanked him for "not grabbing my ass."
Stone wrote off her mistake by saying:
"It's an Italian thing." According to the
actress, people can expect to get their
butts grabbed in Italy; but, Domingo set
her straight. Italians pinch, not grab.
~ Because we enjoyed her bathtub
rendition of Prince's "Kiss" so much
in "Pretty Woman," Julia Roberts is
going to sing for us again in Woody
I
t
sb
Allen's musical comedy "Everyone
Says I Love You," starring Goldie
Hawn, Alan Alda, Drew Barrymore
and Allen himself. Roberts' vocal
ability also helped her get a support-
ing role in Neil Jordan's "Michael
Collins," due out next week. Who
knew?
MUSIC
V Despite numerous reports that '70s
new-wave rockers Blondie have
reformed, this does not
yet appear to be the
case. Singer Deborah
Harry told
"Enter t a i n men t
Weekly" that the for-
mer members of the
group did get together
at a studio for a test
recording session with
producer Mike Chap-
man or, as she put it,
"to feel each other out,
basically." According
to Harry, no decision
has yet been made as
~erg . to whether the group
will actually reform, cut an album,
shoot a video and tour.
V Beat poet Allen Ginsberg teamed
with director Gus Van Sant ("My
Own Private Idaho") this past Sunday
to film a video for his song "The
Ballad of the Skeletons." The video,
which is expected to mix the new
footage of the poet with stock politi-
cal footage, is for the single that
Ginsberg recorded with Paul
McCartney, Phillip Glass, Lenny
Kaye and Mark Ribot.
~ Filter co-founder Brian Liesegang
says the band definitely has some
reservations about releasing a
home video, the upcoming
"Phenomenology" (due Oct. 22). "It
seems a little pretentious for a baby
band to put out a long-form video doc-
umentary," Liesegang says. "But we
had this footage from the last two
years, and from the making of the
record, because everybody around us
always has a camera running, so we
gave it to a friend of ours who's a
director and asked him to make sense
of it."
V For those who yearn for punk rock
like it used to be, meet Les Thugs. The
foursome from Angers, France, sing in
English, record with Steve Albini and
lay down hypnotic riffs the likes of
Green Day can only dream about.
They've just released Strike, their sev-
enth album of heavy rock 'n' roll orig-
inals, on Sub Pop. "They had an engag-
ing, immediate live presentation," says
Sub Pop founder Johnathan Poneman.
"They're a great live band, and I think
they're melodies are exquisite. They
don't sell a whole lot of records, but
there's something to be said for a band
that puts out consistently great
albums."
V Babes in Toyland, an all-female
rock trio, has a new bassist. Her name is
Danna Cochran, and she previously
played with the Minneapolis band
Mickey Finn. According to Reprise
Records, Cochran will join the band
immediately on the road, replacing
departed bass player and original mem-
ber Maureen Herman.
~ Mark the date of Oct. 29th for the
release of the second In Defense of
Animals compilation, in support of
the organization of the same name,
dedicated to ending the "institution-
Filmmaker Spike Lee Int
alized abuse of animal
their rights, welfare a
nothing else, check it a
music on it is great.
message behind it is m
but where else can you
tracks from Meat Be
("We Done it Ag
("Spaceman"), Massi
Mad Professor ("Cos
a bunch of exclusive n
ously unreleased tracks
of White Zombie,
Watt, Alice Donut a
DESI
Also, ch4
andM
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