8B - The Michigan Daily - Wed"z, e - Best of Ann Arbor - Thursday, April 18, 1996

The Michigan Daily - Wu$.t , e4. -

Plans for summer, 1996? Good idea, Dean

I was a little groggy and beery when
they called me on the phone. "What?
Another column? Yeah, I can whip one
more of those up. Why, what's it for?
'The Best of Ann Arbor'? For real? Oh
no, oh my, oh dear."
That means it must be getting close
to summer.
Now, here's the problem: I have no
prospects. The weather is getting warm
and the ground is soft with mud and
the days are getting longer and I haven't

a plan for the summer. So if you are
one of the people I've been hearing
about who has some cushy, well-paid
internship or is studying abroad this
summer, this column is not meant for
you. I write for the rest of us, the com-
mon folk, the screw-ups and procrasti-
nators without money, without hope,
without a clue about what the hell we
are going to do this summer.
I want to know how this happened. I
want to know how it became mid-April

DEAN BAKOPOULOS
Sound and Fury

I


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and how I have all these final papers
and exams and how pretty soon I will
have nothing to do, I am going to have
free time, and I don't know what to do
about it. In summers past, I have landed
cushy internships or secured dough to
study in Europe, or at least had some
sort of job lined up. This year, no one
wants me.
But I am an idea-man, yes, I am. I
have got ideas. Grand ideas, dear read-
ers, ideas so grand they'll knock your
socks off. Plans so big they'll beat any
$500/week internship or Australian
outback expedition. Yes. Big plans.
Or at least I am working on them.
But until then, I'll share some of my
potential summer projects with you,
projects designed to make you happy
and productive and rich. I'll help you
out if you admit that you are a slack-
ing, procrastinating no-gooder with no
concept of temperance, like me.
Admit it? Good, let's begin.
Plan A: Feign mental instability. This
plan is designed to allow you to be as
lazy as possible, and all's it takes is one
phone call home to the folks:
You: Hi, Mom(s) and/or Dad(s) and/
or guardian(s).
Parental unit: Gee, hello there son/
daughter/disowned progeny. How are
you?
You: Fine. (whimper, sniffle) Fine,
really I am.
Parental unit: Oh, boobers (insert pa-
rental unit pet name). What's the man-
ner, doodookins?
You: Oh (insert parental unit term of
endearment, i.e. Mummy, here), I am
so stressed. This past term was so hard!
I need a break. Oh, I think I want to
quit school, or join the circus, or marry
a Communist, or something...

You get the idea? Good. With enough
convincing the parental units should
fear for your safety and health; or they
may just want to shut you up and make
sure you stay in Ann Arbor for the sum-
mer because you are a nutcase. Either
way, you can expect boatloads of
dough.
Plan B: The Naked Mile is coming up,
right? Encourage your friends with cushy
internships to get very drunk and run in
it. Then, get out your camera and snap
some photos of your soon-to-be-rich
friend while he/she stands on the steps of
the Art Museum buck naked, holding a
40-ouncer of Busch Light and singing
"Hail to the Victors." In the morning, as
yourfriendrecoversfromthenightofhoo-
liganism, you can show them the portraits
attached to a note that says, "Dear boss,
looking forward to my internship. Hope I
don't have to wear pants!"Then, threaten
to send the note and the photo to your
friend's summer employer if they don't
send you 20 percent ofeach paycheckthey
get this summer.
Plan C: I have this friend of mine
who is a squirrel. His name is Lawrence
and he says he can hook me up with a
job as a squirrel. He says that squirrels
have a good life, because they are the
only ones inAnn Arbor who get to sleep
on the Diag. And people feed you too,
Lawrence says, he says you get plenty
of nuts on the Diag. And he says people
feed you other things, like bits of
Panchero's burritos and delicious
chipatis. And he says squirrels command
respect. He says they plan to promote a
squirrel candidate for University president
this summer. And he says all the girls think
squirrels are just a trip. I'll take it, I say,
I'll be a squirrel this summer.
Who says I don't have a plan?

~i

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