8 - The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, March 13, 1996 Some Pinhead directed this'Helraiser'! By Ted Watts Daily Fine Arts Editor "Alan Smithee" is the pseudonym 'director petitions successfully for his be disassociated with a movie. It's a re 5ign when it's used on a project that Artistic expectations, as a third sequ movie is likely to have. "Smithee"'s watermark of badne imprinted on this project. Despite an it the execution of the details of the story is poor, the acting is worse than in the "Leprechaun" movies ,and the look of the film is a scant few steps above a direct-to-video supernatural film. It's almost like "Batman Forever" - but with more charm. The film begins in 2127, where a scientist (Bruce Ramsy) has seized a space station to try to destroy the demonic Cenobites, whose exploits have been well chronicled in the first three "Hellraiser" movies, as well as othe ming from Clive Barker's characters bites have been unwittingly allowed because of one of the scientist's ance nately, just as he summons the dem them, security forces from Earth arriv from his work. So far so good. The movie could 1 clone with supernatural beings. But scientist, named Merchant, has to t security forces all about the demons box that can summon them; this way, n used when a or her name to ally, really bad has fairly low el for a horror ss is indelibly ntriguing story, chant free to destroy the Cenobites. So we flash back to the 18th century and the scientist's French toymaking ancestor (also played by Ramsy), who makes the box that can summon the demons. Filmed in the ugly unconvincing way that movies with small budgets portray any time in "the past," this is a story of painful origins. But instead of being intentionally gruesome, it is just nauseatingly bad. There are some human skinnings, eviscerations and mutilations, but they are unconvincing and relatively boring. The general concept REVIEW of the origin of the puzzle box is interesting, but it just isn't Heliraiser: done well at all. Bloodline Then wejump ahead to 1996 (oooh, love that timeliness thing) to meet another ances- Directed by Alan Smithee tor of the scientist (played yet again by Bruce Ramsy). This with Doug Bradley one nearly destroys the puzzle and Bruce Ramsy box with a building he has At Showcase designed, although this inci- dent comes about subcon- sciously (because, as the movie r stories stem- constantly reminds you, "the blood remembers" even . These Ceno- when their stupid, stupid minds don't). In this incar- into our world nation we get some better effects. A guy gets the stors. Unfortu- traditional "Hellraiser" hooks-at-the-ends-of-chains- ons to destroy embedded-and-pulled-out-of-his-skin, someone gets e and take him beheaded, a skinless chattering dog wanders around giving people a hard time and two idiot security be an "Aliens" guards get their faces twisted into each other by an alas, no. The extremely interesting-looking pain machine, the aes- ell one of the thetically well-ordered and ultimate sadomasochistic and the puzzle demon, Pinhead (Doug Bradley). she'll let Mer- You should know the guy- real pale, has a lot of pins sticking out of his face, likes to cause agony in people, etc. He is a point of reference for the viewer; if it weren't for Pinhead and the fact that this movie is a continuation of his story, no one would ever see this bit of celluloid on a big screen. Finally, we flash forward to 2127 again, but Dr. Merchant tells his listener about the things we have already seen in the first five minutes of the movie. Very tedious. Then everyone realizes there are de- mons running around the ship, and they've already killed most everyone in blood-spurting ways. An "Aliens" plot device shows up, and then the movie ends. This movie could have some provocative elements. The demons have been portrayed as slaves to a certain form of order in other works with these characters. Pinhead also mentions in the movie that hell has become more ordered over the years, but this is the extent of that theme in "Bloodline." There just is virtually nothing underlying the poorly crafted surface. This isn't a good effects movie either. The film is more atmospheric than full of dismembered people or horrific hellish contrivances of torture. And because of the relatively small number of corpses, the ones that are there seem tacked on. Plus, the atmosphere isn't convincing; it feels just like a soundstage. There is no reason to see this movie if you haven't seen any of the previous ones (unless your brother worked on it or something). If you have seen the previous ones, form a consortium with like people, send one group member to the movie (someone who can sit through something stinky) and have them retell the story to your group using sock puppets in some sort of Roger Corman's Muppet Dinner Theater. Or just wait until it's on cable and read a magazine while you watch it. Don't mess with Pinhead. Pinhead is having a bad hair day. That makes him sad. Anonymous Primary Colors Random House If nothing else, "Primary Colors" is notable for its beginning; not many books are printed with a disclaimer. Readers are warned on the first page: "None of these people are real. None of this ever happened." Of course, as soon as readers turn the page, they will discover that this is inaccurate. "Primary Colors" in- triguingly blends truth and fiction for a satirical look at Clinton's 1992 cam- paign. While it's not quite a novel, and not quite nonfiction, it succeeds as a hybrid of both; the book is so filled with action and suspense, it's nearly impossible to turn the pages fast enough to keep up. Since the book's publication, both political figures and journalists have tried to guess the identity of the anony- mous author. One thing is apparent: The writer had excellent insider knowl- edge. Readers are given a hilarious in- depth look at personalities and cam- paign strategies, which could only have come from a well-placed observer. The book is narrated by Henry Bur- ton, a young congressional aide who is becoming disillusioned with politics. As the book opens, he is recruited to work for Jack Stanton, the governor of a small Southern state, who is running for president. Burton is the perfect narrator, a me- ticulous observer with a somewhat de- tached perspective. His mixed-race background and his reservations about the Stanton campaign keep him at a slight distance and give him an objec- tive viewpoint. Consequently, readers have a clear look at everything and everyone in the novel, and this definitely provides a new perspective on politics. Soon after Burton joins the campaign, he begins work for the New Hampshire primary, and is drawn into a whirlwind of strat- egy sessions, swarming reporters and screaming matches. It's a bit like pull- ing an all-nighter to write a paper - late nights, junk food, fraying tempers - only multiplied by several weeks. Arduous, frenetic, wearying ... and yet, somehow, it seems fun and exciting too. As the campaign progresses, Burton's opinions begin to change. He responds to Stanton as many vot- ers probably did to Clinton: Initially mesmerized by Stanton's charisma and political skill, he becomes troubled by some of the governor's questionable behavior. The novel begins with a telling inci- dent. Burton visits a literacy program with Stanton, and the governor's speech there motivates him to join the cam- paign. A short time later, Burton sees the director of the program emerging from Stanton's hotel room. Readers are left uneasily wondering how true-to- life this section of this novel is. "Primary Colors" definitely sheds much new light on its real-life charac- ters. Although Stanton is portrayed as capable and intelligent, he is also seen driving a pickup around fictional Mammoth Falls, inhaling pork at bar- becue restaurants and avoiding the scandal created by hairdresser Cash- mere McLeod (better known as Gennifer Flowers). His wife, Susan, is not averse to throwing things at him for inept remarks, and at times man- ages the campaign better than any of the officials. Readers will no doubt change their minds about the Stantons as often as Burton does. But there's no doubt that they, and their colorful group of can- paign workers, greatly enliven an ready fascinating story. Although it is reality-based, and so lacks the depth and unity of entirely fictional works, "Primary Colors" is attention-getting and entertaining from start to finish. - Elizabeth Lucas Steven Michael- Seizer Life's Little Relaxation Book Crown Trade Paperback Ever been uptight? Ever feel like you're about to pop from all the stress and pressure? What can you do about it? "Go to a 'Learn-to-Massage' class with a partner." "Eat fondue with a friend; savor each bite." "Wear old, s* jeans." A million equally stupid phrases and crockpot thoughts have been strewn across one of the dullest books in his- tory. Author Steven Michael-Selzerhas proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how idiotic an idea is, there is someone somewhere idiotic enough to fall for it. He somehow convinced Crown Tra that a book containing such class pieces of relaxation advice like "go see a life-affirming movie,""take a bubble gum break every once in awhile" and "makefriendswith acomputer"isworth eight bucks. Professional help is avail- able. What Michael-Selzer does manage to do in this 176-page joke is find a use for every computer font imagin- able. He didn't really care whether or not someone could relax, he j wanted to see how many times he could use Courier and Times inter- changeably. Sadly, he never uses Zaph Dingbats; this font would have been the most appropriate. Nothing in the book is guaranteed to relax you more than its own sheer corniness and dullness. Reading this book will surely lead you to a most relaxing comatose state. "Life's Little Relaxation Book" is truly an unnec sary waste. But hey, Mr. Selzer, don't let my legitimate scoffing at your weak excuse for not having a productive job get you down. Just go and "visit a plan- etarium" or "get to bed early on a winter's night" or "watch a spider spin- ning its web." After a few hours of that, I'm sure you'll be A-OK. - Eugene Bowen "See guys, the funny thing is: I actually wrote this gosh dam book. Ha ha ha." [ Get A Piece Of The Peace... ...Come See For Yourself Spend this summer in Israel on the program that is right for you I I