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February 29, 1996 - Image 11

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1996-02-29

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EI~e ui ranu & ga

MICHAEL ROSENBERG
Roses Are Read
The 4il
thsigwe
fer...
Patrick Buchanan is gaining
popularity by the day. He is one
of the three or four most likely
candidates to be the next leader of the
free world.
After finishing second in the New
Hampshire Republican primary in
1992, Patrick Buchanan declared that
"uchanan's brigades" were taking
er the Republican party.
Adolf Hitler's brigades murdered 6
million Jews between 1939 and 1945.
Hitler systematically forced people
from their homes, put them to work,
starved them and killed them.
Adolf Hitler was "a man of great
courage" and "extraordinary gifts,"
according to Patrick Buchanan.
WDr. Martin Luther King Jr. helped
orchestrate many peaceful civil rights
demonstrations in the 1950s and
1960s. Largely because of King's
work, blacks now enjoy freedoms
unavailable to them 40 years ago.
"I have a dream that some day ...
the sons of former slaves and the sons
of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of
*otherhood," King said.
. .
"Dr.. Martin Luther King Jr. is one
of the most divisive men in contem-
porary history," said Pat Buchanan in
The Washington Post.
When Jews showed up at a 1992
Buchanan campaign stop, he re-
sponded to their charges of anti-
Semitism. "This rally is of Ameri-
ns, for Americans and for the good
d USA, my friends."
The bombing of the Federal
Building in Oklahoma City last spring
killed more than 100 people. The
suspects in the bombing, Timothy
McVeigh and Terry Nichols, attended
meetings of a militia group in
Michigan, which spouted racist and
anti-Semitic views. Militias like this
Ae are believed to be operating in at
Teast 40 states and have at least
15,000 members, according to the
Anti-Defamation League.
It is not uncommon for these
militias to argue that the United
States government is a puppet of Jews
and blacks who are trying to steal
money from other Americans.
On more than one occasion, Patrick
Ouchanan has said that Washington,
D.C., is "Israeli-occupied territory."
. . .
German intelligence estimates that
there are between 5,000 and 6,000
right-wing extremists in Germany,
most of whom are Skinheads. Among
the acts committed for anti-Semitic
purposes in Germany in the past five
years: arson, fire-bombings and child-
illings.
William F. Buckley is Patrick

Buchanan's former mentor and the
founder'of The National Review.
Here is Buckley's response to
accusations that Buchanan is anti-
Semitic: "I find it impossible to
defend Pat Buchanan against the
charge."
The ADL estimates that there are
*500 Skinheads in the United States,
among 70,000 around the world. The
ADL considers the Skinheads in the
United States to be "extensively
linked" to Skinheads around the
world through music, paraphernalia,
and the trading of various propagan-
dist literature.
About 2,000 crimes of anti-Semitic
as occur in the United States each
ar. Over the past 10 years, at least
37 murders have been committed in
this country by Skinheads, according
to the ADL. The victims have varied
from homosexuals to Jews to blacks.
- « -
In Ann Arbor, Mich., bathrooms on

4 .
By Dean Bakopoulos
Daily Books Editor
If you're one of the lucky students who can afford a plane
ticket this spring break, you are going to bypass all the horrors
of the fabled road trip, the car trouble, the unexpected the
' blizzard, the inevitable strung-out hippie-beatnik hitchhiker
you decide to pickup. You will be some 900 billion mega-giga-
jigawatt miles in the air, hovering over the rest of us poor saps
stuck on the ground below changing flat tires or sitting in a
urine-scented bus station. You will be coddled and cradled by
flight attendants and served teeny-weeny bags of honey-
roasted peanuts and cute little cans of soda.
You think you're taking the easy way out? Think again.
Sure, someone else is going to do all the driving. And sure
you can sleep or get drunk or watch Jim Carrey movies the
whole way down to some balmy tropical destination. And
granted, you get to take home all the motion sickness bags that
you can stuff in your pants. But air travel ain't for the faint-
hearted, folks, and if you plan on flying the not-so-friendly
skies this spring break, you best listen up and follow these
simple survival rules.
Getting There
First of all, you should fly British Airways. I swear to you,
on my first British Airways flight, I was treated like Prince
Charles himself. I won a bottle of wine, was fed lovely
refreshments every hour and had a wonderful flight attendant
named Sara who fluffed my pillow and rubbed my shoulders
and sang me a lullaby every time turbulence woke me up. But
that's the Brits; they do everything better than Americans, and
if you're not headed to the U.K., you, old sport, are out of luck.
So, since you probably can't get a British Airways flight to

AND
A UTOMOBILES
By Jeffrey Dinsmore
Daily Arts Writer

By Greg Parker
Daily Arts Writer

l
i
i
1
1

South Padre Island, at least try to tind a reputable airline. It your Billy Strayhorn took the" A' Train," and John Coltrane took
airplane ticket has "Joe and Maude's Airline and Lawn Service" the "Blue Train." We all sang along with "conjunction junction,
written on it, you may want to call your travel agent. Right now. what's your function" Saturday mornings on Schoolhouse
After verifying the reputation of your airline, you can start Rock, and the Beatles talked about the "One after the 909." Cat
planning your trip, and that includes thoughtful and thorough Stevens took the "Peace Train" to oblivion. Some of you might
packing. Be sure to bring all the essentials for your trip in a remember Ozzy Ozbourne's "Crazy Train," and we all know
carry-on bag, since the rest of your luggage is likely to get lost that Axl Rose rode the "Night Train" to wherever.
between the moon and New York City. "Essentials" include all Billy Crystal tried to "Throw Momma from the Train," and
important documents, toiletries, a change of clothes, a swim- the "Terror Train" took cinema quality paradigms straight to
suit, and your beer-drinking hat that holds two cans on each hell. A train was made into a time machine in one of the "Back
side and has those wacky plastic straws coming down to your to the Future" movies. It's hard to name a James Bond film
mouth. without a fight-on-a-train sequence,,and Wesley Snipes and
Speaking of luggage, if you're heading to a foreign land. Woody Harrelson succeeded in mobilizing the entire Republi-
don't be an idiot and try to "sneak" some illegal substance inato can caucus against the movie "Night Train." And how
the country. Everyone knows that Spring Break is meant for could anyone forget "Starlight Express," the
drinking, not getting high. Besides, the NyQuil in your carry- Broadway musical in which actors on roller
on bag should provide enough chemical stimulation for the skates played trains. Like it or hate it, it was
whole gang. You should also note that most Latin American a novel idea.
countries have recently added Todd Rundgren CDs to their Streamlined trains epitomized
list of items not allowed to be brought into the country. progress in the 1930s, and it
This is because Todd Rundgren sucks. As a rule, was rails that first linked the
y o u country at Promintary Point
should in the 1840s. All attention
a v o i d turned toward trains in the late
bringing 1800s, with the Populists attacking the big
anything that business train trusts. During the first and sec-
sucks into an ond great migrations of the 20th
airport. century, scores of African
As for going an Americans
to the airport, moved North
it costs ofthe Mason-
r o u g h l y Dixon Line in
$900 to get perhaps the greatest exodus in American history.
from Ann The train has left quite a legacy on America. While train
Arbor to Detroit Metro Airport in a taxi. Try and get a ride travel willnever regain the popularity it once had, it's still viable
on the Commuter vans or make one of your poor homebound and efficient transportation. Don't let the recent rash ofderailings
friends drive you. And, as always, arrive early. For example, if deter you-riding the rails is a great way to travel. It allows one
your flight leaves Sunday, leave now. Go. Hurry. Finish this to forgo the psychotic arena of the airport, and it is free of
article on the plane. driving induced stress. Buses are slower and less efficient, but
Flying the train still leaves the driving to "them." It's pretty cheap, too.
It's on the plane where you'll need the most help. Once you Riding Amtrak to Chicago from Ann Arbor costs only $10
check your luggage and get on board and find your seat and one way on Mondays. Yes, that's right, $10. If you come back
settle down and fasten your seat belt, you will have to go pee. on a Monday, it's the same price; otherwise, it's $35 to return.
It's inevitable. Do that before the plane takes off. There's Either way, $45 to Chicago round trip is a great deal. No car to
nothing worse than hitting an air pocket in midstream. park, no gas to buy and no accidents, breakdowns or tickets. As
Of course, at this time of the year planes are packed, so for derailments, someone recently quipped that rail travel is still
chances are you will be sitting among strangers. If you are the safest method of transportation.
sitting with a bunch of college kids, that's not so bad, because I'm taking advantage of this deal - I couldn't pass it up.
you can all sit around and talk about how drunk you will get and Plus, I hate to say this, but I've never ridden on a "real" train.
how much you are going to score. But if you are sitting by Joe Sure, I've been on the People Mover in Detroit (Coleman's
Businessman traveling south to embezzle funds from a Carib- Train), or on the Huckleberry Railroad and even the commuter
bean bank account, the conversation is less stimulating. Bring trains in
a book or a Walkman. If anyone creepy tries to start a conver- Philly. But
sation with you, nod politely and pretend you are deeply I've never
engrossed in your novel/music/Nintendo Game Boy/soft por- been on a
nography. If they still insist on running their jaw, feign death. re -Ii v e
Still, there's plenty to do on the plane if you forget to bring A m t r a k
along some diversionary toy. You can watch the flight movie, train. Pend-
something you would probably never consider renting at ing my safe ar-j
Blockbuster, but on the plane you gobble it up like it's "Citizen rival in Chicago
Kane." Or you can listen to the airline radio with free head- (read: I'm paranoid
phones they pass out on board. This radio system has channels about train wrecks), I think
like "The Lionel Richie Hour" and "The Richard Simmons Fat the train trip will be a good old-
Guy Comedy Network." If this bores you, impress the flight fashioned hoot.
attendants by showing your emergency skills and opening the I plan on letting the murmur of the diesel
exit doors, inflating the life raft and ripping down the oxygen locomotive lull me to sleep; I plan on watching
masks. the lazy towns endlessly roll by. Mostly, I plan-on
And if all else fails, fly drunk, because you sure as hell can't relaxing. The beauty of a train ride is that in my case, it
smoke on the plane. allows significant "relax time," which is what I want for my
Landing and Arrival spring break. I don't want to drive, and I don't want to worry
about baggage claim at the airport. I want to sit for four hours

Cars. Is there a better way to travel'? The answer is: no.
There is no substitute for a road trip, unless, ofcourse, you're
going overseas. Then the preferred thing to do is wind-surf
the ocean. Trust me, you'll feel healthy, and just imagine all
the great stories you'll have.
I took a road trip for spring break last year, and I'm doing
it again next week. When you're riding in a car with three
other guys, unshaven and hung over, the car reeking of cold
canned foods and the delightful aroma of stale body odor,
underwear slightly worn out from its five-day unwashed gig,
man, then you know you're living the good life. You ean't
even set foot out of the car for fear that the locals will run
screaming for their daughters and their shotguns. Unless
you're at a truck stop, where the filthy go to play. There you
will be accepted into an exclusive club full of angry men
with suspicious eyes. Remember to stop at Stuckey's while
you're there and pick up a pecan log. It's all you'll have to
eat for a while.
My friends and I enjoyed many of these delicious pecan-
covered logs last year on our way to New Orleans for Mardi
Gras. Six of us made that long trek in two cars - Buffalo
Wings, Too Tall, Rock Monkey, City-Boy, Mr. Clean, and
your humble narrator. Bob Peters (all names have been
slightly changed).
Our first stop after everyone had been picked up from
their respective cities, was Mammoth Caves, Kentucky. To
our surprise, the Mammoth Caves campgrounds were closed,
since it was about 1.0 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. So we
ended up at one of the world-famous Jellystone Park camp-
grounds and set up shop for the night. We finally got our fire
started after two hours of intense work, at which point City-
Boy lit himself on fire twice by attempting to make ham-
burgers. I woke up with icicles hanging from my nostril
hairs, and I was sleeping in one of the cars. We had to take
an ice pick to the two fools in the tents. For the rest of the trip,
we didn't need to buy pre-chilled beer, we'd just hand our
cans to Buffalo Wings and Too Tall for a few minutes.
After a tour of Mammoth Caves that afternoon, we were
back on the road, this time headed toward Memphis, Tennes-
see. To anyone under 21 who is planning on hanging around
Memphis for spring break, I offer a word of advice -don't.
Memphis plays it strictly by the rules, and the rules say that
anyone under 21 does not require alcohol. It didn't really
matter all that much, since we were carrying two large jugs
of assorted liquor and several cases of ale with us in the cars,
but we were still pretty upset. Much of the thrill of the
college road trip comes from drinking alcohol in new and
exotic locations. I guess no one told Memphis that.
And another thing ... Graceland was closed! Here we are,
six scuzzy guys, miles from the safe streets of Ann Arbor,
and they close Elvis' damn house on us! On the way out of
town, Mr. Clean made sure to wave a friendly naked butt
cheek at the Memphis sign, to let them know how much we
appreciated that.
By this point in our journey, the cars were beginning to
take on that comfortable odor that I discussed earlier. Or
maybe we were beginning to take on that smell, and the cars
were the ones retching and gagging. No matter, because our
next stop was the warm Louisiana coast, where we drank
with the locals, ate po-boys for every meal, swam in the
ocean, and slept in the sand. The town we ended up in was
called Grand Isle, right on the very tip of the country we call
the United States. Apparently the Grand Isle townies weren't
aware that they had been accepted into the
Union and were required to obey Ameri-
can laws, because no one seemed to care
that we were tossing back Millers in the
local tavern. "Sucks to Memphis!"
screamed Rock Monkey, as he chugged
his final Dixie beer, a not-to-be-missed
highlight of the great state of Louisiana.
From the bar, we drove back up to New
Orleans, where we conned a Tulane Uni-
versity fraternity house into believing that
we were their long-lost brothers from U-
M. Satisfied that we had a place to stay for
the night, we jumped on a streetcar, headed
toward world infamous Bourbon Street.
One note for the wise - streetcars are
not the same as cars. Do not mistake the
two. Cars are good, streetcars are bad. It
took us about an hour to travel the two
miles from the frat house to Bourbon Street.
By the time we reached the action, we were
almost sober. Do not let this happen to you.
I'm not aoino to eet into the details of Mardi Gras, as

i
t
f
i
_ , /
!

l

I

If you are a smoker, you are going to need to smoke as soon
as you get off the plane. Airport officials know that, so most of
thamhae liintid llenleino lmicrPC hrar etrv to

on a trainand take in the scenery and possibly a good book.
A friend and I rode our bikes to pick up the train tickets - of
--mc n-- nh idm by the Cin ndvnoncer. For thneeof you

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