The Michigan Daily - W/ee., c. - Thursday, February 1, 1996 - 3B With Desperado' director Rodriguez takes on Hollywood DEAN BAKOPOULOS Sound and Fury 04 thec4 rht he other day I was checking some unanswered e-mail SmessageswhenI stumbiedupon a downloaded column from the "Minne- sota Daily." Something called"Youmight bea liberal if...." Not surprisingly, it was fillof angry white male humor, a mix of paranoiaand intolerant anti-intellectualism. So it's almost too easy to write this column. You'll have to forgive the author ofthe iece, for I too once was led astray by the ght. (You have little choice when you are raised with a picture of Reagan over your desk). But like Saul on the road to Damascus, I've been knocked off my horse, and my youthful errors are no more. Now I see the lovely light of the left, sowithout further ado, let me present the following public service self-quiz: You might be a conservative if... You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You've named your kids "Deduction ne" and "Deduction two." You've tried to arguethat poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insertracial orethnicminorityhere) friend." You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. You'reapro-lifer, but support the death penalty. *0You think Huey Newton is a cookie. The only union you support is the Base- ball Players, because heck, they're richer than you. You think you might remember laugh- ing once as a kid. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted tugs." j You've ever referred to the moral fiber fsomething. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." ;r You've ever said, "I can't wait to get ito business school." . You've ever cal led a secretary or wait-