The Michigan Daily -- Weekend etc. - Thursday, January 19, 1995 - 9 " Tabloids and fun: the year in television The best of books: By KIRK MILLER I'm not one of those people who gets excited because they're showing two episodes of "The Nanny" in one night, but I do watch way too much television for my own good. I mean, I could be drinking. Drum roll, please. It's been a sad year for television, a year when we were supposed to get excited that "The Nanny" moved to Mondays (that Fran Drescher is a hoot and a half, let me * tell you), CBS and Fox changed stations and confused all those bright people who couldn't read a TV Guide, and all the critical favorites on TV were rip-offs of the critical favorites on TV 10 years ago. So with that, my Top 10: 1. "CoasttoCoastWithSpaceGhost"(Cartoon Network) - The most bizarre show ever made, as '60s cartoon reject Space Ghost hosts a 10 minute talk show full of surreal one- liners. Best one: Space Ghost kills the Bee Gees. 2. The Kurt Cobain Marathon of Mourning (MTV) - If only for John Norris claiming Cobain was the "victim of a self-induced shotgun blast" and the man was a "singular individual." As opposed to those of us who refer to themselves in the plural. 3. All Cartoons - Take your pick among "The Simpsons," "Duckman," "Rocko's Modern Life," "Eek the Cat," "X-Men," "Animania'... they all were more clever than any network show, and usually better acted. If only Fran Drescher could get her own 'toon... 4. "TV Nation" (NBC, moving to Fox this year) The last good magazine show, and no Connie Chung. 5. HBO Wednesday nights (HBO) - "Larry Sanders," "Dream On," and "Tales From the Crypt" are the only reasons I spend an extra $10 on pay cable a month. 6. "Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS) - Any show that advertises a product called Big Ass Ham is OK by me. 7. "Friends" (NBC) - If you overlook that it's the six whitest people in New York spending their days in a coffee shop, it's very funny and well acted for a sitcom 8. Scientology infomercial - I saw this a few weeks ago flipping through channels. It looks like it was made for about $20 by a high school drama club in the '70s. 9. O.J. Simpson on the run (all channels) - The real highlight of Connie Chung's year was her on-air-argument with Dan Rather over using the word "coward" to describe O.J.'s 45 MPH flight. 10. Anything by Aaron Spelling - He has a new show about hot nurses in crisis, sort of "ER" meets "Models, Inc." The man is a genius. 11. Every critically acclaimed show on TV: "ER" is merely "OK"; "Chicago Hope" makes me Ann Arbor- bored; "Homicide" and "NYPD Blue" were fine if you forgot "Hill Street Blues; "My So-Called Life" is now "Your Just Announced Cancellation." Maybe I'll go outside this year. At least, until the full O.J. coverage starts. Now, if they could just get Fran Drescher in the TV movie about the killings... By KIRK MILLER Much like losing an arm in a farm combine, good literature can change someone's life dramatically. So it's pretty sad that the life changing books of 1994 were "The Celestine Proph- ecy," "The Bell Curve," "Prozac Na- tion, "The Book of Virtues" and the Pope's moral treatise; these are not the books we want to look back on in ten years and say shaped a generation, much like everyone in 1990 wants to forget they bought eight million cop- ies of Vanilla Ice. So ignoring trends, hype, promo- tions and various friends who liked one or more of the above titles, I give the Top 10 Books of 1994 That Could Change Your Life More Than "The Celestine Prophecy." 1. "Revelation X." The third book from the Subgenius Foundation con- tinues the teachings of Bob Dobbs, proving you can mix wild sex and drugs with religion. "The Subgenius only inflicts harm for a higher pur- pose" and "Are you considered strange? Then you're probably better than most people" are just two of the wise teachings. 2. "Selling Yourself to Science," by Jim Hogshire, is the sure fire way to get thousands of dollars for using your body as a guinea pig. 3 and 4. "Complete Guide to Beer Drinking Games" and "Beer Games 2" by Griscom, Rand and Johnson. Revised and updated for the '90s, these are indispensable for the beer lover and people who need to know 50 synonyms for vomiting. 5. "Sabotage in the American Workplace," edited by Martin Sprouse. True stories of employee theft, mismanagement and backstabbing against the impersonal big business bosses. 6. "Generation Ecch!" by Jason Cohen and Michael Krugman. A nice parody of Generation X crap the media's been forcefeeding us for the last year. Cool cartoons by "Milk and Cheese" creator Evan Dorkin are a bonus. 7. "Revolution X" by Jon Cowan and Rob Nelson. Not to be confused , et cetera with title numbers 1 and 6, this is a direct, easy-to-read guide to politics in the '90s. If they only ditched the generation bonding efforts, it would have ranked much higher. 8. -"Meditations For Men Who Do Next to Nothing," by Lee Ward Shore. Divided into one page chap- ters with titles such as "Wit" and "Fear," Shore creates the definitive book for men in the '90s. "Today, I will laugh in the face of adversity, my wife, my boss or anyone or any- thing that tries to crush my playful inner child," he writes. 9. "The Ice Opinion," by Ice T. As far as autobiographies go, it's either this or "Reba: My Story," and I per- sonally take the guy who wrote a song called "Evil Dick" any day of the week. 10. "Dilbert" comic strip, by Scott Adams. Proving that you don't need artistic talent to draw, "Dilbert" is an extremely bizarre and yet accurate satire of corporate America. Not for people who think Billy's .antics in "Family Circus" are "wacky." " The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd: Selected highlights from a wild, wooly, wacky and wonderful year in theater The Melissa Rose Bernardo awards for excellence (or shittiness) In theater: Most Hype: "Sunset Boulevard" Best Replacement Casting: Vanessa Williams in "Kiss of the Spider Woman" Worst replacement casting: Marcia Brady in "Grease!" (Marcia, * Marcia, Marcia! Why did Marcia get to play Rizzo?) Runner-up: Jerry Lewis in "Damn Yankees" Maybe the produc- ers were looking for the overseas sup- port. Watch for a sudden influx of French tourists on Broadway. Most underrated performance: Michael Haydenin "Carousel" Most overrated performance: *The entire cast of "Grease!" Most under-appreciated new musical: "Passion" Fall on your knees and thank the Lord for Stephen Sondheim. Most under-appreciated new play: Neil Simon's "Laughter on the 23rd Floor" But Neil Simon got re- venge (see related item, Biggest Broadway Dis). Must-see: "Sunset Boulevard" Bring a change of underwear. Glenn Close is that amazing. Runner-up: "Show Boat" Most unwelcome production: "Beauty and the Beast" Welcome to Broadway, Disney. Now go home. The "Phantom of the Opera" award for ostentation: "Beauty and the Beast" The most expensive show in Broadway history. "Beauty and the Buck" is more like it. Runner-up: "Grease!" Bring your sunglasses. Day-glo orange may be fine for construction workers, but not for set designs. The Energizer-bunny "still-go- ing" award for a revival: "Guys and Dolls" Why is it still playing: "Jackie Mason: Politically Incorrect." Don't you wish Jackie Mason were on those no-brand batteries? Great to see you again: Stephen Spinella in Terrence McNally's new "Love! Valour! Compassion!" (Will he be Tony-nominated three years in a row? Will he win three years in a row?) The overachiever award: Direc- tor Hal Prince, the first director to have three shows running on Broad- way simultaneously ("Phantom of the Opera," "Kiss of the Spider Woman," "Show Boat"), plus one ("The Petri- fied Prince") off-Broadway. He is the king. Most embarrassing Tony nomi- nation: "A Grand Night for Sing- ing," the Rodgers and Hammerstein revival which garnered a Best New Musical nomination. My high school did more professional shows. Greatest vindication in the form of an award: "Passion" taking Best Musical, Score, Book and Lead Ac- tress. After that 1988 fiasco when "Into the Woods" was robbed of Best Musical by "Phantom of the Opera," Sondheim finally got his glory. Biggest Broadway heel: Andrew Lloyd-Webber. I don't care if he is a Knight; after what he did to Patti LuPone and Faye Dunaway he should be deported. Biggest Broadway Dis: Neil Simon, who took his latest play to Seattle and will eventually open it off- Broadway. You go, Neil! -Melissa Rose Bernardo The Shane Michaels Theater Awards The Omnipresent Award goes to Joe Mantello who portrayed Louis in both parts of "Angels In America." He then went on to direct Terrence McNally's latest, "Love! Valour! Compassion!". His latest directing project starred Faith Prince in a short- lived play called, "What's Wrong With This Picture?". Way to go Joe! The Lower-than-Andrew Lloyd-Webber Award goes to An- drew Lloyd-Webber, who, in a pitiful ploy for publicity, dropped Patti LuPone in London, and Faye Done- Away (pun intended) in L.A. to fi- nally settle on Glenn Close for Norma Desmond in his latest monster, "Sun- set Boulevard." Ironically, Lloyd Weber's justification for dropping Dunaway was that her voice was in- sufficient. Funny then that he would settle on Close, whose voice is not nearly as effective as, say, LuPone's. Fortunately Close's acting makes up for any inconsistencies just fine. And fortunately for Lloyd-Webber, the millions of dollars that he lost in breach-of-contract suits (for LuPone and Dunaway) will be more than made up for in Sunset Boulevard hats, t- shirts, pennants, programs, cast al- bums, etc. U And finally, The Hope-They- Get-The-Message Award goes to Neil Simon, who, in a move that shocked the Great White Way, opened his latest play, "London Suit" in Se- attle at a non-profit house. Maybe the message will finally be sent to those misguided producers in New York that when it comes to the theater, the Art should come BEFORE the Buck, and not vice versa. - Shane Michaels Daily writers attempt to inform you of the good music of last year MUsic Continued from page 5 * Dirk Schulze's Top 10 Albums 1. Neil Young and Crazy Horse, "Sleeps With Angels." Neil's latest finds him alternately sad, contempla- tive, pissed-off and, through it all, as beautiful as ever. 2. Grant Lee Buffalo, "Mighty Joe Moon." Spiritual descendents of Dr. Young, the Buffalo boys prove that. "Fuzzy" was no fluke with an amaz- ing record of sprawling distortion and tender acoustics. 3. Latin Playboys, "Latin Playboys." A side-project for David Hidalgo of Los Lobos, the band's debut shines with paranoid guitars and beautiful ballads. 4. Sugar, "File Under: Easy Listen- ing." Yep, even Bob Mould can have fun. Seeing "Gee Angel" live was religious. 5. Magnapop, "Hot Boxing." Yum. Makes me rise and grunge. 6. Vic Chestnut, "Drunk." Meander- ing and humid. Vic scrapes at his obsessions and drags you along on a far-from-sober journey. 7. Liquor Giants, "Here." The Re- placements if Tommy was allowed to write and sing sometimes. Good solid American rock 'n' roll. 8. Pavement, "Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain." I wanted to hate this record but I cannot. Brilliant riffs and ultra- catchy melodies. 9. Pearl Jam, "Vitalogy." For "Nothingman." For "Better Man." Of course, "Stupid Mop" is a bit too much. 10. Freedy Johnston, "This Perfect World." No one writes better straight- up pop songs. Ella de Leona's Top 10 Albums 1. R.E.M., "Monster" 2. Pavement, "Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain" 3. Hole, "Live Through This' 4. Liz Phair, "Whip-Smart' 5. Luscious Jackson, "Natural Ingre- dients" 6. Freedy Johnston, "This Perfect World" 7. Beastie Boys,"Ill Communication" 8. Guided By Voices, "Bee Thou- sand" 9. Ani DiFranco, "Out of Range" 10. Sugar, "File Under: Easy Listen- ing" Supersuckers, "La Mano Cornuda" Honorable Mention: Liz Phair, "Whip Smart," Pagans, "Everybody Hates You," Beatles, "Live at the BBC," Cobra Verde, "Viva la Muerte," Big Chief, "Platinum Jive," Thee Headcoats, "Conundrum." The tight rock 'n' roll rumble that shook 1994 all year long was the forceful might of four of the loudest, hip-shakinest independent bands re- leasing their best records to date. The New Bomb Turks (Crypt Records), The Cynics (Get Hip Records), The Humpers (Sympathy For The Record Industry) and The Mono Men (Estrus Records) released more recorded power between the four of 'em than a whole year of major label suits could muster up. Of course, King Eddie and his lackeys followed close behind with Pearl Jam's best record to date "Vitalogy." The surprise of the year was easily Motocaster's "Fully Loaded," a stompin' southern-fried metallic shake-down. 1994 was also the year that R.E.M. stopped wearin' its heart on its sleeve, stuffed James Taylor in the closet and released its best album since '87's "Document." Greg Dulli of the Afghan Whigs, after releasing the best album of '93 (the 'Whigs' "Gentlemen"), settled for screamin' leads on the best soundtrack of '94, "Backbeat." Sugar calmed down and released a subtly intricate work. And of course, the two biggest, baddest joke bands in the nation, The Leather Uppers and Supersuckers, wooped it up for more than mere hyucks. Sadly, the year 1994 must be dedicated to the memory of The Leather Uppers - R.I.P. (Rock In Peace) my brothers! Heather Phares' Lucky 13: 1. A tie between Pavement's "Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain" and Kristen Hersh's "Hips And Makers." Pavement's pop genius blossomed on their second album, and Hersh's elo- quent acoustic solo album revealed yet another facet of the Throwing Muses leader's talent. 3. Nirvana's "Unplugged In New York." If only for the band's stunning versions of "The Man Who Sold The World" and "Where Did You Sleep Last Night," this record alludes to what might have been. 4. Another tie, between Ween's "Chocolate and Cheese" and Frank Black's "Teenager of the Year." Dean and Gene Ween make profanity, hal- lucinogens and general tastelessness an art form, and wackiness always ensues when Frank Black helms a cruise on his punk-pop spaceship. 6. Lisa Germano's "Geek the Girl." Lisa Germano's atmospheric tone- poems about awkwardness and alien- ation reaffirm the connection between suffering and beauty. 7. Hole's "Live Through This." De- spite the hype, the ubiquitous Courtney Love and her band made an album that would have been success- ful no matter what happened last April. 8. Come's "Don't Ask Don't Tell." Thalia Zedek and her songs have more intensity, turmoil and horror in them than a ton of Trent Reznors. 9. Thinking Fellers Union Local #282 "Voices From the Universe." Look up "quirky" in the dictionary and the band's picture is right there. But the words "innovative" "hypnotic" and "brilliant" apply too. 10. Weezer's eponymous debut . Yeah, they're geeky (in a cute way), but their mix of the Cars and the Four Freshmen is irresistible. 11. Magnapop "Hot Boxing." With their tense, implosive songs and two cool women fronting the band, how could they fail? 12. Luna's "Bewitched." An aptly titled collection of dreamy rock. 13. Another tie, between Daniel album by album Daniel Johnston is a cool guy. Johnston's "Fun" and the Auteurs' "Now I'm A Cowboy." Johnston's twisted, funny-tragic songs have made him a cult hero. The Auteurs make consistently great, quintessentially British pop. Besides, R.E.M's Peter Buck thinks they're the bee's knees and the cat's pajamas. Ted Watts' Top 10 Albums '94 1. Helmet, "Betty." No dicking around. Harsh and infective. Check out the vinyl with bonus tracks. 2. Cows, "Orphan's Tragedy." The best animal named band ever. 3. Cop Shoot Cop, "Release." Like the heavenly host, but with lots of basses. 4. Soundgarden, "Superunknown." Popular with the masses and for good reasons: it rules. 5. Therapy?, "Troublegum." Forget Tull, these are the main Irishmen. 6. Melvins, "Stoner Witch." Plenty of styles (tho not as many as Ween) and done well. 7. Geggy Tah, "Grand Opening." In- describable. For when you want twisted but no guitars. 8. Gwar, "This Toilet Earth." Bloody By BRIAN A. GNATT 1994 was yet another breakthrough year for video games and computer software. With the return of some old favorites, more blood, guts and gore than ever before, and a few new ter- rific titles, business was booming for some, dying for a few,-and done be- fore it ever began for others. 1994 was the first year since its inceptionthat Super Nintendo began to steal back the video game market from the ever popular Sega Genesis. Atari's Jaguar and 3DO were still struggling to stay afloat, while some other systems came and went before we even knew their names. Macintosh also decided to license clones for their formerly exclusive format, but are still having problems competing with the PC industry's much more exten- sive software catalog. However, the biggest lemon of the year no doubt was the ingenious Pentium process- ing chip, that could probably help you build a nuclear bomb in minutes, but couldn't do the simple math that a $4 calculator can. 1994 was also the year of doom. With games getting bloodier and bloodier, "Doom" revolutionized first person, virtual reality gore at a level never seen before by most people. Pearl Jam weren't the only people fighting for their right to party this year; with hearings from the govern- ment to censor video games, the in- dustry still continues its self-censor- ship and ratings system. Other games like "Beavis and Butt-Head" and "Boogerman" declared farting a dan- gerous weapon, and straddled the bar- rier of good taste, making video games much more interesting, and quite dis- gusting too. 1994 also kept a retro attitude with the return of two original '80s video game favorites, "Donkey Kong" and "Pitfall!" Now with superb graphics and sound for the '90s, "Donkey Kong Country" and "Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure" reminisced the old clas- sics (the original Atari 2600 version of "Pitfall!" is hidden in the new game). Most of all, 1994 marked the be- ginning of the Daily's quest to keep our wonderful readers on the cutting edge, and introduced the new Video Games and Multimedia section for your reading pleasure. Hope you like it, and let us know what you think. Fartsand doom: high tech reviewed comi-metal. 9. Beastie Boys, "Ill Communication." See 4. 10. Helios Creed, "Planet X." Alien alternative. Buy or die. Eugene Bowen's Top 10 Albums 1. Take 6, "Join the Band." These six brothas have a harmony that puts even Jodeci to shame. 2. Sounds of Blackness, "Africa to America." They've come a long way thanks to the grace of God. 3. Mary J. Blige, "My Life." Has earned the title "Queen Diva of '94." 4. The Notorious B.I.G., "Ready to Die." This guy is the dopest lyricist in rap today. 5. "MurderWas the Case" Soundtrack. Will the Dogg Pound ever stop? 6. Reg. E. Gaines, "Please Don't Take My Air Jordans." Not a singer, not a rapper, but a philosopher with slammin' beats. 7. Zhand, "Zhand." These two women put female duos on the map. 8. "Forest Gump" Soundtrack. Noth- ing but the goodies of the oldies. 9. Drama, "Open Invitation." These three women's voices that should be hrnn .wr- the East." Even though I have some problems with some of Jeru's mes- sages, he has probably the most skills of any rapper to come out in a long while. Portishead, "Dummy." Their combi- nation of hip-hop mixing and surf- board guitar sounds makes them the leaders of a camp revolution. "History of Our World Part One: Breakbeat Jungle Ultramix by DJ DB." Snatch this album up which is the best of the fleet of Jungle CDs that are being released Prince, "The Black Album." Granted, every good Prince collector already owns a bootleg copy of this album, but the sound quality of this autho- rized version makes it worth it to (re)buy the album. Herbie Hancock, "The Complete Warner Recordings." This album has all of the Herbie classics. Vapourspace, "Themes From Vapourspace." Weaved together like an orchestral piece, "Themes From Vapourspace" is a completely coher- ent and unified techno masterpiece. Plastikman, "Music." Richie Hawtin is one nf the nre-eminent fD and .; . ,:; :: - . I