'Personal Jesus' looks for love in the personals By ROBERT YOON The male peacock proudly struts its feathers to attract single peahens. The female praying mantis devours the head of herpartner aftermating. The stink bug emits a powerful scent, not unlike Aqua Velva, that essentially signals to other stink bugs, "Hey, I'm easy." But perhaps the most bizarre mating ritual known to the animal kingdom is one that involves newsprint and a lot of zesty adjectives. I'm referring, of course, to the personal ad. b I know you've seen them. In fact, Personal you probably have been tempted to call one or two. Admit it. "SWM, 54, with JeSUS good hygiene, earlobe fetish, and lov- Perfornance Network able Ed Asner-like quality seeks fun- November 18, 1994 loving SWF, 18-19, for long walks on the beach of your choice. Must like sponge cake and bubble baths." But those of you who hate messing around with dirty little newspaper pages can now enjoy the rich tasty goodness of the personals section while keeping your fingers sparkling clean! You can thank local playwright Carol Shepherd, who has collected thousands and thousands of those heartfelt zingers and fashioned them 'into convenient play form. It's called "Personal Jesus," a "freshly-squeezed comedy about love, identity and the personal ads." The result is an abstract and extremely offbeat look at dating in the Coffeehouse Age. The play opens on an rhythmic note as stagehands bop around arranging props on the empty stage, while Depeche Mode cranks out the title song in the background. They create a copy room,just like one you'd find in any office. That's where we meet Kate (Lisel Gorell) and Leah (Laura 'Coy Drama Critic Wing). Kate is a fortysomething corporate s, *executive who hangs out in the copy young woman to share room to avoid being in heroffice. Leah 26, is a "spazzed-out" office temp who quiet evenings of root goes from one menial task to another, beer and macaroni and foraging for billable hours. Leah has a . boyfriend, but she is still looking fore h it ot That Special Someone. To aid in her dog chunks. Preferably search, she uses the company fax ma- Tabitha Soren.' chine as a high-tech Chuck Woolery to receive responses to a personal ad she placed in the paper. Kate intercepts one of the transmissions and the two begin bandying back and forth about how men and women meet, how women's lives are changing, and how the "go-go-go-go!" working world of the'90s is changing everything. Leah is not persuaded by Kate's "oldster" '70s views, and meets each fax suitor for a tete-a-tete at the local coffeeshop. There she is watched over by the Good Housekeeping Fairies (Leigh-Ann Danner, Enid Walton and Leah Smith), a trio of pixie-like, well-scrubbed 1950s TV moms who mop the floors, change the scenery and literally remove any unsuitable suitors from the scene, all while smiling cheerfully and wearing party dresses a la Donna Reed. Leah meets a number of respondents to her ad, each one played by Adam Carey. Carol Shephard's dialogue hits its fast-past and pop-injected best during these encounters, where the players speak entirely in the glossy, fragmented, adjective-dependent language of the personal ads. ("Great willingness to grow .""Available on weekends ..." "Real zest for life ...") In the course of "Personal Jesus," the dialogue is peppered with those catchy little phrases that advertisers use in commercials to sell everything from toilet cleansers to floor wax. But without overstating the message, Shepherd subtly points out that people use the same phrases used to sell spring-time fresh household products to sell themselves to potential soul-mates. Pretty deep. Lemon-scented, but deep. Audiences are encouraged to bring their favorite personal ad with them, or to *reate their own, for a chance to win fabulous prizes. Here's mine: "Coy Drama Critic seeking vivacious, young woman to share quiet evenings of root beer and macaroni and cheese with little hot dog chunks. Preferably Tabitha Soren." Now as far as I know, only humans use personal ads, and only humans write plays about using personal ads. But that is probably a good thing, because what the heck does a stink bug know about fax machines? PERSONAL JESUS will run through November 27 at Performance Network (408 W. Washington). Showtimes are 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday, 7 p.m. on Sunday. Tickets are $12 ($9 students). For more information, call 663-0681. Gary Oldman and Danny Aiello star in "The Professional." But more importantly, notice how babe-a-licoius Gary Oldman is. al 'eS pods langpleases none Benson's attempt to meld American and French film styles fails By PRASHANT TAMASKAR It isn't very difficult to differenti- ate between an American action film and a European action film. The Euro- The Professional Directed by Luc Besson; with Jean Reno and Gary Oldman. pean movie focuses more on plot and dialogue, and less on extreme violence and huge explosions. However, this is not the case with "The Professional," the latest work of French director Luc Besson. Jean Reno stars as Leon, a clever hitman residing in present-day New York. Leon's neighbor is a drug dealer with a family of five, including a young daughter named Mathilda (Natalie Portman). However, when the drug dealer unsuccessfully attempts to de- ceive a corrupt Drug Enforcement Administration boss, played by Gary Oldman, his family is massacred. That is, everyone but Mathilda, who man- ages to safely escape into Leon's apart- ment. The hitman reluctantly agrees to take care of the girl. Eventually, a fa- ther-daughter type relationship devel- ops, catalyzed by Mathilda's desire to learn the tricks of the hitman trade in hopes of one day being able to avenge the death of her family. One of the biggest problems of this film is Besson's attempt to incorporate his French style of filmmaking into an American setting. The mixture does not work. The movie ends up lacking the excitement of most American ac- tion films. Another problem of "The Profes- sional"is the ploddingpace. Themovie spends far too much time focusing on the rather mundane relationship be- tween Leon and Mathilda. Of course, the hitman is originally indifferent to- wards the young girl, but her cuteness and passion for life eventually win him over. The film is saved by an exciting and somewhat unexpected conclusion. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie does not follow its example. An interesting aspect of "The Pro- fessional" is the presentation of the main characters. They are far from perfect. Yet, despite their questionable values - such as Mathilda's desire to murder the person who killed her fam- ily - they are relatively likable. This differs greatly from the people nor- mally identified as "the good guys"; the corrupt police, led by Oldman's despicable character. Reno's quiet and efficient demeanor serves him well in the movie. This, along with his love of Gene Kelly mov- ies, makes him endearing to the audi- ence. Natalie Portman, as Mathilda, is decent in her film debut, benefiting from good character writing. However, the finest performance is turned in by Gary Oldman. He is revoltingly sadis- tic and consequently a great villain. He ends up being the perfect foil to Reno's character. If Besson did not attempt to have the best of both worlds by trying to combine American and European film styles the movie might have been more successful. But instead of a movie that pleases everybody, the final product is a picture that isn't pleasing to anyone. THE PROFESSIONAL is playing at Ann Arbor 1 & 2 and Showcase. C I $140 off pints ofj' Sbrewedin MVicigan beers 9P.mn. close . Bells, Detroit & %ifaekinatErankeninuth 338 S. State 996-9191 L I I Don't Panic!!, if you think you're pregnant... call us-we listen, we care. PROBLEM PREGNANCY HELP 769-7283 Any time, any day, 24 hours. Fully confidential. Serving Students since 1970. ANNOUNCING A NEW SET OF COURSE OFFERINGS IN MICROBIOLOGY AND IMMUNOLOGY WINTER, 1995 The Department of Microbiology and Immunology and the Department of Biology will continue with the offering of a new course series set in a modular format. Each one-credit module will run for one third of a se- mester. In many cases, multiple modules can be combined to make up a traditional course. This format is designed to allow students to choose from the various modules to create a program that best fits their educa- tional objectives and interests. Prerequisite-introductory microbiology or permission of course director Module 1 (115-212, T-TH, 10-11:30) Micro 607 - Microbial Pathogenesis I - This course will emphasize func- tional and ecological aspects of microbial pathogenicity. The first series of lectures will include a historical introduction to host/pathogen interac- tions. The remainder of the series will be lectures on colonization mecha- nisms and attributes of pathogens. Module 11 (2/7-3/16, T-TH, 10-11:30) Micro 608 - Microbial Pathogenesis II - This course will focus on molecu- lar mechanisms underlying bacterial infectious disease. This module uses Columbia Review INTENSIVE MCAJT PREPARATION