The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Friday, November 4, 1994 - 3
MelRose Place
Movies lose two hailed and beloved actors
Reincarnation
is overrated
* So I was in a hypnotic state the
other day, and I had the weirdest ex-
perience. There's this little girl on a
beach, just sitting playing in the sand.
Suddenly this unicorn comes flying
toward her. The unicorn is heading
right toward her, so I open my mouth
to yell. But when I speak, I'm speak-
ing through the mouth of the unicorn.
Baffled, I called my therapist.
"Dr. VonGeigern" (short forFelix
Amadeus Benvenuto VonGeigern), I
said, "What can this mean?" "Vell,
my dear, it zeems dat you vere vonce
an oonicorn," he replied. "I vas vonce
an oonicorn?" (This baffled me more.
What the hell is an oonicorn?) "Dat
vas you, in a past life." A past life.
But why was I an oonicorn - I
mean, a unicorn? If I had a choice as
to what I would be reincarnated as, it
Ore as heck wouldn't be a unicorn. I
mean, they're pretty and all, but what's
their functional value in today's soci-
ety? So I conducted an official poll,
among Daily staff, Alice Lloyd resi-
dents, and people in line for the ROTC
haunted house on Saturday night.
The question: If you could be rein-
carnated as anyone or anything, who
or what would you be?
81% named human beings, 8.7%
*Amed animals, 6% named inanimate
objects, 4.3% named aliens or Presi-
dent Clinton. (I have no idea what the
percentage error is; I'm a writer, not a
mathematician.)
Of those who would be human,
40% said they would be themselves,
with a few slight modifications like
more money, more brains, bigger
breasts (or penis, as the case may be).
$% said they would be people of the
me sex. 22% said they would be the
opposite sex, "to see what it's like."
Of animals or inanimate objects, I
got a tree, a bird and a computer.
Surprisingly, no one wanted to be
their lover's tampon, as Prince Charles
once said of Camilla Parker Bowles.
But now, kids, direct from the
home office in 3 Hinsdale in Alice
Lloyd Hall, today's Top 10 List. The
p 10 human reincarnation choices:
19. Brian Kato Kaelin (First the
houseguest of O.J. Simpson, now
Charlie Sheen. Kato proves you can
make a living freeloading.)
9. A Canadian (Hockey, cool ac-
cents, Peter Jennings, Wayne Gretzky
and the best national anthem.)
8. Barbra Streisand (Anyone
who can charge $350 a pop for a
concert deserves to make this list.)
1 7. Madonna (Love her or hate
her, she's here and she epitomizes the
American Dream)
6. David Letterman (He made a
fortune using these Top 10 Lists)
5. Michigan State Head Foot-
ball Coach (Because anyone could
do a better job than George Perles.)
4. Walt Disney Corporation (So
EuroDisney bombed; "Beauty and the
Beast" on B' way is making up for it.)
3.The guy who invented Keebler
Elfin Delights, fat-free Devil's Food
Cookies (Much better than
Snackwells. They're like 150 calo-
ries each, but no fat!)
2. Daily Arts Editor / Weekend
columnist extraordinaire Melissa
Rose "MelRose" Bernardo (Well,
who can blame you all?)
1. Bill Clinton (So you can get
d lots of money and do no work.
s all the french fries you can eat.)
The Top 10 worst reincarnations:
10. Howard Wolpe (Does he re-
ally think he has a chance?)
9. Robert Shapiro (Watch his cli-
entele vanish after this O.J. case)
8. Pope John Paul H (All that
stress and no sex to relieve it.)
7. The purveyor of the paradox
"the softer side of Sears." (That's
*d of like "the sophisticated section
of Dexter.")
6. The cast ofthe new "Saturday
Night Dead" - I mean, "Saturday
Night Live."
5. A Michigan State student
(Enough said.)
By SCOTT PLAGENOEF
In recent weeks, two beloved actors
have passed away, one a long-time
Hollywood institution, the other a tal-
ented performer finally beginning to be
appreciated.
Burt Lancaster, born in 1913, died
October 20th after suffering a heart
attack. Lancaster enjoyed afilm career
which spanned over 40 years.
Originally pegged to be an action
hero, leading man, or both, Lancaster
soon proved that he was as adept at
playing vulnerable as rugged, as much
an everyman as a ladies' man.
Following a stint as a circus acro-
bat, (which would serve advantageous
for his 1956 film, "Trapeze") and mili-
tary service, Lancaster debuted on
screen in the 1946 adaptation of the
Ernest Hemingway short story, "The
Killers." He became a near instant star.
Lancaster eventually was to prove
his versatility in the following decade,
appearing opposite Anna Magnani in
herOscar-Award winningperformance
in Tennessee Williams' "The Rose
Tattoo." He also appeared in "Come
Back Little Sheba," and "From Here to
Eternity."
1953's"FromHeretoEternity" not
only garnered Lancaster his first of
four Academy Award nominations for
Best Actor, but also included his most
famous cinematic scene, perhaps the
most famous kiss in all film history, in
which he and Deborah Kerr lie on the
beach, engrossed by the swelling tide.
Throughout the '50s, Lancaster
proved himself to be more than simply
an actor. In 1948, after only two years
in the business, he and his agent Harold
Hecht formed an independent produc-
tion company. This was a nearly un-
heard of venture at the time, particu-
larly for a performer as young as
Lancaster.
His production company, Hecht-
Lancaster, produced many of
Lancaster's own works, as well as
1955's Best Picture winner, "Marty."
Burt Lancaster also directed a single
film, "The Kentuckian," in which he
also starred.
It was during the early '60s that
Lancaster had the pleasure of doing
his most accomplished work. He won
his only Best Actor award for por-
traying a charismatic preacher in
1960's "Elmer Gantry."
Also in the period between 1960-
63, Lancaster starred in "the Birdman
of Alcatraz," "Judgment at
Nuremburg," "The Unforgiven," and
in one of his lesser seen, but finest
films, the co-Italian and French pro-
duced, "The Leopard."
Modern audiences tend to remem-
ber Lancaster for two more recent roles,
1981's Louis Malle film, "Atlantic
City" in which Lancaster gives per-
haps his finest character study, and
the small, but touching performance
as Archibald "Moonlight" Graham, a
would-be baseball player turned coun-
try doctor in 1989's "Field of Dreams."
Also passing away recently was the
Puerto Rican-born stage and film actor
Raul Julia. Julia died October 22, less
than a week after being hospitalized
following a stroke. Over his career,
Julia proved himself a versatile per-
former, as adept in political films as in
light comedy.
Julia first became prominent
through a series of successful Broad-
way performances, topped off by his
Tony-Award winning role as Macheath
in "The Threepenny Opera."
Julia's first memorable film role
was in 1985's "Kiss of the
Spiderwoman." In the latter half of the
decade, Julia continued to prove his
range by performing in such varied
films as "Tequila Sunrise," "The
Morning After," and "Moon over
Parador." However, it is his offbeat
comedic performance as Gomez
Addams in the two recent film ver-
Taking the skeleton of
the character that John
Astin had made famous
and distinctive, Julia
added a dark
sophistication to the
role (of Gomez
Addams), expanding
it's comedic potential
and highlighting the
dry humor of the
fictional "family" rather
than simply stressing
the macabre.
sions of Charles Addams' "The
Addams Family" that has most en-
deared him to American audiences.
Taking the skeleton of the character
that John Astin had made famous and
distinctive, Julia added a dark sophis-
tication to the role, expanding it's
comedic potential and highlighting
the dry humor of the fictional "fam-
ily" rather than simply stressing the
macabre.
Raul Julia was given a national
funeral in his homeland of Puerto
Rico in which he had become a hero.
Amongst his accomplishments were
his many efforts to use his craft to
draw attention to and improve the
lives of the people in the developing
Latino nations. This is best exempli-
fied by his roles in films such as
"Romero" and "Havana.",
Raul Julia's death is therefore
sadly premature because of his po-
tential as a humanitarian as well as his
boundles potential as an artist.
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LATIN AME RIC/
OCTOBER 16-JAN UARY
Featuring more than 275
vibrant, colorful objects
from 17 countries.
The Toledo
Museum of Art
2445 Monroe St., one block off 1-75
(419) 243-7000 5te7
Organized by the Museum of American Folk Art,
New York. The exhibition and its national tour are
made possible by
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Burt Lancaster, seen here in 1967, garnered several Oscar nominations.
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