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THE MICHIGAN DAILY NEW STUDENT EDITION SPORTS THURSDAY, SEPTEMBE R 8, 1994
You may not be
By BRENT McINTOSH
and RYAN WHITE
Daily Sports Writers
"... And I can't wait to get to Phys-
ics 140," the eager freshman said.
"Physics?" we replied, as we shot
each other quick, astonished glances.
"Yes, physics. I'm here for an edu-
cation," he answered haughtily.
An education? Our questioning
brows raised even higher.
As hard as it may be for some of us
to believe, some students didn't come
to Michigan for football Saturdays and
basketball Final Fours-they came to
learn.
Be forewarned though, as certain as
it is that you will die and pay taxes,
there is an even greater chance that you
will encounter athletics during your
stay in Ann Arbor.
Encounter? A grand understate-
ment!Sports will wash over you in a
maddeningly frenzied tide of Maize
a sports
and Blue fervor, obsessing the campus
despite your futile protestations.
With that in mind, we give you
some tidbits that even the most studi-
ous collegian will need to know about
Wolverine sports.
The Victors
You better learn it -not just the
tune, but the words and the motions.
When you have a song that John Phillip
Sousa called the greatest college fight
song ever, you certainly better take
fan now, but you will be-
Ann Aro arpe' Warehouse
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BACK TO SCHOOL SALE!
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TEN DAY ALE'SEPTEMBER lstlOt h ONLY
advantage of it.
Knowing the song will have its
benefits: beyond saving you from be-
coming a social misfit, there's really a
great feeling that comes from wildly
singing along with 105,000 of your
closest friends after a Tyrone
Wheatley touchdown jaunt.
Required Reading
There are three things that every
true Wolverine must read. First and
foremost is Ho. Just as God gave the
commandments to Moses, Bo sent
forth his words to
Mitch Albom, who
put them in a book
rather than tablets.
Bo is still consid-
ered a deity around
these parts - it is
rumored that the f
school will offi-
cially be renamed
the University of Photo manipulation by
S~hebechernDouglas Kanter
Schembechler in Schembechler
the year 2000.
Another book on the syllabus is
Fab Five, Albom's chronicle of how
the Lord saw fit to bless the Univer-
sity with trend-setting trash-talkers
who could just flat out play basket-
ball.
Finally, you're stuck reading the
Daily. Sorry, but we're the only game
in town. Sure you can read about hoops
or hockey in the Detroit papers, but you
just can't beat that extensive field
hockey coverage that comes with a
student publication.
Arrests
They're going to happen, at least
until Athletic Director Joe Roberson
either strikes up a deal with the Ann
Arbor Police Department or decides to
crack down on lawlessness among
Wolverine athletes and metes out some
real punishment.
That may not happen soon, so get
used to defending the University against
the accusations of your jealous friends.
What are they jealous about, you ask?
We'll tell you ...
We're Good at Everything
Well, almost everything. Most of
the sports at Michigan routinely finish
high in the conference rankings. It is a
disappointing year when a team takes
a place below third. E xpectations run
high here.
We're good. Accept it, get used to
it, enjoy it. And when you're ggod at
everything, there will always be de-
tractors ...
Ann Arbor's Most Wanted
We're the good guys. You know
that. What you also must be aware of is
who the bad guys are.
Duke: We despise those pompous.
arrogant schmucks. We also despise
their bad haircuts, e.g. Cherokee Parks.
Michigan State: True, they finally
managed to defeat Central Michigan's
football dynasty in the third attempt.
That doesn't mean we have respect
those goat-milkin', cow-herdin', class-
skippin' weasels. They're like the New
Kids on the Block: annoying, but they
just won't go away.
Ohio State: If Michigan State'sour
bad little brother, Ohio State is the evil
old man next doorwho keeps trying to
poison our dog. This school will try to
teach you that hate is bad. Ohio State is
the exception to that rule: hate them
passionately.
Notre Dame: The Irish don't even
deserve a mention in this reputable
publication. Plus, we're sick of hearing
about the luck of the Irish.
The Trends Start Here
True, the men's basketball team
hasn't won the Big Ten since 1986.
Also true, the women's team hasn't
won a conference game since 1992-
93. Despite those facts, national
worldwide?-hoops trends start herd.
And if they don't start here, we still
make 'em famous.
You name it: bald heads, shor
the size of a small sail, black sock,
dare we mention trash talk?
The Final Analysis
One word: FOOTBALL.
If you're not familiarwith the word,
we suggest you memorize it. Be like
the rest of the population of Ann Arbor:
spend the fall thinkingof nothing else.
Despite all the distractions- aca-
demics, other sports, arrests, beer-i
heart, this is a football school. If y
know nothing else, know this. If you
don't have season tickets, take up medi-
tation: you're in for some lonely Satur-
day afternoons.
Football reigns at Michigan, and
Michigan reigns at football.
That concludes your primer on
Michigan sports, and we didn't even
charge you $20 for the coursepack. If
you're ignorant of sports, don't be di@
heartened. You got into this school, so
you're obviously a quick learner. You'll
be glued to ESPN in no time.
If you hate sports, you're in amore
difficult situation.
You can always transfer after fall
term.
ANN AFA
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HAIL HAIL! DOUGLAS KANTER/Daily
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Great Hours
Cagers still
looking for
Big Ten win
By SCOTT BURTON
Daily Basketball Writer
The look on Shimmy Gray's face
as she walked off the court for the last
time in her three-year career on the
Michigan women's basketball team
(0-18 Big Ten, 3-24 overall) told the
whole story for the Wolverines' sea-
son.
Tired. Glum. Overworked. Stoic.
Gray - the lone senior on a
inexperienced squad composed of five
freshmen and one sophomore - led
the Wolverines through one of the
most painful, frustrating and
rewardless seasons in recent memory.
Michigan became the first Big Ten
team to fail to win a conference game,
and lost its' last game to Big Ten co-
champion Purdue 110-51, the biggest
margin of defeat ever for a Wolverin*
team.
Yet, throughout all the defeats,
Gray was the first to tell you that a
brighter future inevitably awaited her
teammates. Spurred by an impressive
recruiting class for 1994-95 to comple-
iment a solid base of talent, many
expect Michigan to make aquickjump
into a competitive conference team.
"I've told them I've done the best
that I could," Gray said, who leaves a@
Michigan's No. 8 all-time rebounder
and with a7.6 scoring average. "Ijust
hope that they can learn from my
mistakes, never repeat them, take the
good things I've tried to give them
and go on to bigger and betterthings."
While Michigan's five freshmen
suffered through bouts of inconsis-
tency and headless play, they often
impressed in streaks. They matches
evenly with first-division finishers
Ohio State and Northwestern on the
road well into the second half, while
coming within a last-second shot with
Indiana and Wisconsin at home.
Freshmen guards Amy Johnson
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