8 - The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, January 13, 1994 How the th I think it was Thomas Aquinas who said, "Fame, wealth, influence - all of these you may scatter upon the wind of the ages. But leave to me that tattered little corner of hope, that ragged earthly vestment of divinity, that lonely crucible of meaning - my blankie." Also known simply as blan- A USTIN R ATNERkets or woobies ('oo' pro- nounced as in 'woof'), the blankie is not just some rem- nant ofourearly childhood; despite the common conception, blankies and woobies are used everywhere and at all stages of life. Only now are we beginning to understand the social importance of the woobie in its various forms. Psychologists often describe objects of childhood af- fection as transitional objects. Dr. Floyd Bamberger of the University of Miami defines a transitional object as "any- thing that by virtue of its association to some other and now inaccessible source of pleasure or security comes to represent that original source and offer consequent relief eory of wooF to the bearer. Most such objects are ultimately surrogates for the womb. Just add the typical '-ie' ending to produce 'wombie' and we see the etymology of woobie. "I should emphasize, anything can serve as a woobie. My own was for some time my grandmother's glass eye. 'Where's my eye?' she would say. Ha, that was hilarious." Bamberger's brilliant insight opens infinite doors for the art of woobie-interpretation. Let us take the most unlikely object and see if we cannot determine its function as a woobie; how about Quebec, for instance. Many will argue that Quebec possesses neither the saliva reek nor the frayed edges of an actual woobie. Furthermore it does not have the '-ie' ending. Nevertheless, Quebec is one great woobie for the descendants of the French colonials, men who were separated from their native France, and were forced to 'woobify' a piece of North America in its place, sleeping with Quebec against their ear, sucking on it, taking it to school and consequently being harshly ridi- culed by the older boys. But let us not think that woobies are the province solely of un-macho wimps like the French. Ernest Hemingway was said to have actually appropriated the smaller and more docile F. Scott Fitzgerald for a woobie. This rela- Ii ies is reshaping America tionship ended when Hemingway accidentally left be saying to everyone, "Everyone, give us the woobies"? Fitzgerald at a bus stop, which produced many tears and Such a policy is, I think, misguided for several reasons. much carrying on from Hemingway until his father gave First, who are we to say, "Everyone, give us the woobies"? him T. S. Eliot, which quieted the burly writer. Still, And even if we did say it, how could everyone hear us? Hemingway was never quite as satisfied with Eliot, who Second, is it really unhealthy to have a woobie? Remem- was given to unravelling, showed dirt and was difficult to ber that a woobie is a transitionalobject. It is a healthy part clean - not to mention being uncomfortable to sleep on. of growth, a vehicle of change, a shuttle for the cathexes. Fitzgerald and Eliot were not the only famous people Itis true that some ofus can neverrelinquishourcherished to be woobified. Woobification, and the concomitant woobies; we go to the grave clutching them to our breasts addition of '-ie' to the name, in some cases has created as Hemingway did with T. S. Eliot, Eliot's face pinned fame. If not for their woobification, Wood Allen, Blond against Hemingway's armpit. Mostly we move on though; and Warren Beatt would today be unknowns. one day we put T. S. Eliot in a closet and leave him there. College life is a virtual cornucopia of woobies. The That raises another question: is it okay to woobify fraternity system is among other things a woobie, and other human beings? When woobification involves being much more obviously so than Quebec, for it has the '-ie' dragged around, slept on and chewed on and, in unfortu- ending and the saliva reek. As substitutes for old friends nate cases, badly mutilated, can we really justify from home, fraternities enact the general collegiate fall woobifying human beings? No, that is where woobification from intrinsically valuable experience to the sterility of an stops and violence begins. Then it is truly time to say, all-woobie landscape. "Look here, give me the woobie." So given the prevalence of woobies, what should we Austin Ratner has a Phd. in Woobie-theory, is a do about them? In the academy award winning film, "Mr. woobie, holds the world record in woobies and is Mom" Michael Keaton says to his movie son, "Kenny, currently conducting illegal research in woobie give me the woobie." Should we be doing that? Should we warfare in violation of the Geneva convention. Films of 1993 don't fall down FILM Continued from page 1 for that elusive Oscar that frankly he has never, until now, deserved. "List"'s jarring, painfully emotional feel represents an aberration from the typical, fast-paced panache that we've grown accustomed to from the auteur that refused to grow up. The perfor- mances are superlative across the board, highlighted by the venerable Ben Kingsley as Itzhak Stern. Everyone's favorite Gandhi had a rousing 1993. After supporting roles in the super-fun comedy "Dave" and later in the sleeper-drama "Searching for Bobby Fischer," Kingsley proved himself the heir apparent to the ulti- mate character-actor guru Gene Hack- man. The last of the "Fab Five" films is "The Fugitive." Harrison Ford once again made Cary Grant proud as the me-against-them vigilante out to pro- tect his own ass. But it was the super- cool performance from Mr. Ma- chismo, Tommy Lee Jones, that helped put this wild thriller in the same caliber as such timeless won- ders as "The French Connection" and "Serpico." Jones' stunningly natural marshall humanizes the film so that the viewer inevitably finds himself at a loss as for who to cheer for. Wow. A substantial crop of sub-Oscar, but still quite hip pictures also found their way onto the silver screen this year. "A Perfect World," "Carlito's Way," "The Nightmare Before Christ- mas," "In The Line of Fire," "Groundhog's Day" and "Wayne's World 2" deserve some recognition, though none stands out much more than any other."Menace II Society" Harrison Ford once again made Cary Grant proud as the me- against-them vigilante out to protect his own ass. held its own both at the box office and in the American consciousness be- fore shriveling away mid-way through the summer. Legendary Hong Kong filmmaker John Woo had a semi- memorable American debut with "Hard Target." But that starred Van Damme and I'd be remiss in my du- ties to give it an unequivocal thumbs up. Not every thumbs-up-er received the notoriety it deserved, however. "Sommersby," with Jodie Foster and Richard Gere, may have been a hit with the fortysomething crowd, but younger audiences were indifferent. Their mistake. Based on "The Return of Martin Guerre" and powered by two bravissimo performances from its headliners, the film may go unrec- ognized by the Oscar committee de- spite being by far the most mesmeriz- ing romance from the first half of the year. "Mad Dog and Glory" and "This Boy's Life" lend credencetotheaxiom that no DeNiro film will ever be a commercial success no matter how good it is. "Flesh and Bone" unearthed that Texas Cowboy/Sam Shepard side in the few hundred people who actu- ally saw it. "Dazed and Confused," winner of the prestigious award for best double-chambered bong in anon- starring role, was quite interesting despite having been released about a decade before it could be truly be appreciated. Finally, the hands-down choice for best film that no one ever even heard of was the clever Peter Gallagher effort "Watch It" about a pack of thirtysomethings still living like frat rats. If 1993 had one downfall, though, it was its general lack of quality for- eign films. "The Piano" was fairly miserable. Holly and Harvey did their best, but anyone who liked anything about this Palme d'Or winner other than the soundtrack is pAibably lying because they're too pretentious to have their own opinion. Ditto for "Espe- cially for Sunday" and "Farewell My Concubine." "Like WaterForChoco- Michael Douglas is confronted by gang memebers in "Falling Down," one of the most underrated films of the year. late" was sexy as the Dickens, but its poignancy seemed to get lost beneath all the quirkiness. Only the delight- fully light "Strictly Ballroom" and the super-low budget "El Mariachi" stuck out as winners in an otherwise muddled cesspool of foreign medioc- rity. Made for a meager $7,000, "Mariachi" was the run-away winner for largest profit margin of the year. The now legendary b-flick made a whopping $200,000 in its first week- end in limited release. Of course there's room for dis- agreement. "Heaven and Earth," "Shadowlands," "Wrestling Ernest Hemingway" and "In The Name Of The Father" didn't hit most multi- plexes until '94, so their exclusion has to be taken with a grain of salt. But anyway you roll the projector, be- tween Emma, Robert, Michael, Harrison and Steven, 1993 won't be soon forgotten. 01 Both of these cost about$30ragmonth, ut our mes wit roams you can actu ly use. The Apple" Macintosh LC 520 Cable TV 65 channels of reruns, game shows and soap operas. now comes with seven incredibly useful programs. Wh~at a package. Now when you choose a qualifying Macintosh'or PowerBook a combined SRPof $596*). And,whenyou qualify for the newApple computer you'll not only get Apple's new, lower prices. You'll also Computer Loan, the entire package shown here costs about $3Ota get seven popular software programs included for the same low month. So, for high-quality programming, turn on a Macintosh price. These programs will help you manage your finances, sched- or PowerBook. 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