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From campuses nationwide

Sumo wrestlers bump big belli
Two really large women
wearing blue Lite beer diapers
eye each other savagely from,
opposite sides of the mat, as
the ponytailed announcer
moves into the ring.
"Ladies annnnd gentlemen -;
let'sget ready ton ruummbblle!"
No, this isn't the World
Wrestling Federation's
"Ladies' Night" super heavy-
weight championship.
It's Sumo Wrestling Night
at GatorMeisters (a Gaines-
ville bar) where every Wed-
nesday students compete at
the ancient Japanese sport of "I must break you."Getfat, get wrinkly
belly bumping for a free bar
tab while sucking down all the quarter beers they can swal-
low.
Two petite women, representing the U. of Florida and
Santa Fe Community College, have strapped themselves
into heavily padded, flesh-tone "fat suits," put on black-
haired helmet wigs, cast disparaging remarks at each other
and become Gainesville's first sumo wrestlers.
Want to settle that lingering dispute with your roommate
once and for all? Has your date been acting like a putz?
Then maybe a sound thrashing is the answer.
"It's the ultimate in body contact without having to wear a

Lost serpent
on the Gogh
A three-week crisis sent
shock waves across the U. of
Florida, when a hungry fugi-
tive took the campus televi-
sion studios hostage. Students
referred to the escapee as a
"snake." Authorities called
him Van Gogh.
"Van Gogh is still at large in
our building," warned Ralph
Lowenstein, dean of the
College of Journalism and
Communications, during the
height of the crisis. "We're
still waiting to see if any of
our smaller students disappear
to help us determine his
whereabouts."
Van Gogh, a two-foot baby
Colombian boa constrictor,
escaped from its owner,
sophomore Jennifer Stanton,
when she was working in the
building during winter break.
"She was very lonely, so she
brought her 8-month-old boa
constrictor with her," said
Lowenstein. "While she was
out of the office for a minute,
Van Gogh disappeared."
4 " U. Magazine

Three weeks later, Stanton
was preparing to shut down
the power in the master con-
trol room of Weimer Hall
when she found the beige rep-
tile huddled in the same room
where he first escaped. The
crisis had come full circle.
Stanton explained that her
surrogate snake-child was
stressed out from shedding his
skin and probably from mal-
nutrition too.
"He gets an attitude [when
he sheds]," Stanton said, affec-
tionately stroking the half-
pound snake. "He didn't want
to leave. He was comfortable."
Telecommunications Chair-
man Gerald Smeyak said he
was disappointed that the boa
constrictor was discovered so
quickly, especially since it
meant the end of Dean
Lowenstein's periodic snake
updates.
"I'm a little saddened that
they found him," Smeyak said.
"Just think if in 10 years stu-
dents were still talking about a
snake that roams the halls of
Weimer, occasionally picking
off a student." Megan
Palmer, Independent Florida
Alligator, U. of Florida

condom," says Maddy Stoehs,
yes for beer co-owner of the nightclub.
"It's safe and you get a chance
to beat your opponent sense-
less. It's the up-and-coming
thing to do in bars now."
But just as it was some
2,000 years ago, the competi-
tion can get intense.
"No four-year degree need-
ed to beat any UF student,"
says Stephanie Underwood, a
21-year-old SFCC student
who bested her Florida oppo-
nent. "Mom, be proud!"
Rules sanction just about
any method of attack,
although running full speed
into a head-on collision
and pummel your sumo opponent. seems to work best. Then, of
course, there's the obligatory
full body slam onto the unfortunate losers, who can do lit-
tle but lie there whimpering like turtles stuck on theirs
backs on the interstate.
Naturally, the owners require that contestants sign a
release before competing, stating that they are willing to
look like pancakes for the rest of the semester.
But even that fails to deter students.
"Every Gator has gotta try this," says Florida senior
Ricky Valenzuela. "It's the best way around to beat the
hell out of your friends without getting injured." Paul
Fox, Independent Florida Alligator, U. of Florida
Nerds fight the power
With pockets protected, pants hiked up and glass-
es taped, nerds fall prey to quick judgments from
passers-by. But thanks to Randall Osborne, a self-
proclaimed nerd who teaches psychology at Indiana
U. East, traditional views toward nerdness may be
changing.
Osborne uses the recurrent theme of the nerd in
his "Seminar on Self Concept and Self-Esteem"
class, and uses his own textbook, A Word From the
Nerd, to examine the development of self-esteem
and ways to improve it.
"Nerdness, as any nerd can tell you, is not some-
* thing that comes and goes," he writes in his book.
"It is a potentially debilitating ailment and must be
treated as such."
Proof of nerdness is not necessary to enroll in the
course, and students include jocks and housewives
as well as psychology students. Osborne often uses
role-playing, demonstrations and humor to get his
message across, despite what he calls the serious-
ness of his subject.
If they take nothing else away from the class, stu-
dents will at least remember Osborne's nerd theme, '
a call-to-arms for nerds everywhere. Printed in the
back of his book, it reads:
. Nerds the world over rejoice 'bout who you are! And
sing your praises everywhere both close to home and far!
History reveals your wisdom and success rings true and
loud;! Tell the world around you, of your nerdness you
are quite proud. Robyn Holtzman, Indiana Daily
Student, Indiana U.
APRIL 1994 APRIL 1994

Your guide to the
Immortally swanky:
Clumsy labels like mainstream and alternative will
be forever tossed around like snowballs, but there
are some things in this world that (according to
me) are objectively, abidingly and forever cool.
Conveniently, they're listed below. You might find it
ironic, after all this yammering, to provide such a
list. But that's okay, because irony is cool, too.
Wraparound sunglasses: Lou Reed, the coolest
guy ever to grow old, wore them all the time when
he fronted The Velvet Underground, the coolest
band ever to die young. Instant hipness.
Aretha Franklin: The undisputed Queen of Soul,
Aretha has more cool in F sharp than most people
have in an octave.
Bugs Bunny: Especially in that one cartoon where
he outsmarted the hillbillies with a square dance
song. The smirk. The carrot. The true definition of
grace under pressure. Subversive, too.
The beatniks: These cats were all about cool, and
everything they touched turned hip. If it weren't
for the beats, every coffee-house philosopher you
know would be just another morbid-looking poet
with a bad goatee.
The Star Wars movies: Everything you ever want-
ed from escapist entertainment in two hours of
filmmaking genius. Bomb-out space battles, scary
villains, Harrison Ford and a dash of eastern mys-
ticism.
Ayn Rand: Author of The Fountainhead and Atlas
Shrugged, this 20th century writer/philosopher
: made it OK to be cold, calculating and selfish.
Plus, she inspired the first three Rush albums. All
right
< Nostalgia: In the last 10 years, '60s nostalgia has
given way to '70s revival to '80s retrospection. At
this rate, we'll be nostalgic about April by May.
The Good Old Days may not have always been
cool, but reminiscing about them is.
Japanimation: Who remembers Battle of the
h, Planets, the coolest weekday cartoon in history?
Thank the genius of Japanese animation for that
one, along with Akira, Bubblegum Crisis, Vampire
Hunters and Voltron. Go, Speed Racer, go!
Vaudeville: You'll never find a better example of
comic timing than an old Abbott and Costello rou-
tine. Vaudeville was cheap, easy entertainment
with no pretensions of art and what's more, it's
the origin of TV sketch comedy.
Guys named Eddie: Eddie Albert, Eddie Murphy,
Eddie Haskell, Eddie Munster, Eddie and the
Cruisers, Ed Norton and um, Eddie Vedder.
Surf Music: The Beach Boys, Jan and Dean, and
sometimes even The Cramps. Surf music drove
o Annette and the kids wild at those midnight clam
bakes. "C'mon, gang! The waves are super!"
Premature Cynicism: This single phenomenon
has fueled everything from punk rock to the
Reagan Administration. It's a powerful tool -
2 choose your pose wisely. And remember: When in
doubt, pout. Glenn McDonald, The State News,
Michigan State U.
U. Magazine " 21

w