The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, Febuary 3, 1994 - 5 .Not a student? Peace comes to the Middle East, the jury renders a decision on the Menendez brothers' case, Tonya Harding's ex implicates her in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, and all any-, one outside of Ann Arbor can think to talk about with me are my post gradu- ation plans. "What are you going to do next year?" my grandmother asks in a let- ter. I don't write back. "You need to start thinking about next year," my mother declareson the phone. I slam it down and yank the cord out of the wall. I plug the phone back in and call my friend the last-May-alumna for advice. "Whateveryou do," she warns, "Don't watch 'The Graduate."' I go *o Blockbuster and rent the Dustin Hoffman classic. Here's a scene: Benjamin goes to rent a room at Berkeley. "Are you a student?" the landlord asks him. "No," Benjamin replies. "Well what are you then?" asks the landlord. What are you if you're not a stu- dent? What are you if you're not a student? What are you if you're not a student? "Roommate," I say to my room- mate, "Roommate," I emphasize, "What will we be when we're no conger students?" "I'll be a grad student," she re- plies. "You are no help," I tell her. An old friend graduated in De- ;ember. She is unemployed and liv- *.ng in Ann Arbor. "She'll be able to answer the question," I yell as I call her. I dial. She answers. "Old Friend," l say, "You are no longer a student," TI pause, "What are you?" I say. She screams into the phone. I hold the receiver away from my ear and wait. She keeps screaming. I wait Tome more. She does not stop. I hang cp A different December graduate visits my home. She has found a job and moved back in with her parents. My housemates and I gather around her eager for news from the outside. I ask her my question: "Debbie," I say, "You're not a student anymore," I say, "So what are you?" I say. Debbie looks panicked for a mo- ment, but then remembers and pulls a little silver box out of her purse. She opens it, and flashes a stack of busi- ness cards under my nose. I snatch one. "Marketing Project Manager," I read aloud. My roommates make the obligatory impressed face; I throw myself on the floor in exasperation. "But what is that?" I cry. Debbie collapses on the couch, her smile breaks. "I don't know," she whimpers. I begin to panic. Soon I will gradu- ate. What will I be? No one knows. My resources are running out. I de- cide to contact University Big People. "I define myself as a life-long learner," says Maureen Hartford. "After graduation one is...amem- berofa very large family of Michigan alums," says Edie Goldenberg. "A Michigan education should teach us to be students all our lives," says Walter Harrison. "After graduation, so called stu- dents become...members of the UM alumni community," says Frank Bea- ver. "...After you graduate you will still (and always, if you are lucky) be a student," says Terry McDonald. "You are members of the 'Michi- gan family'...for life!" says James J. Duderstadt. I have answers. For the first time in days I relax. I call my friend the screamer. "You are a life long stu- dent," I tell her. She screams into the receiver. I wait. She continues to howl. I hang up. I call my Marketing Project Man- ager friend. "You are a member of the University alumni family," I say. "Does that mean I have to get new business cards?" she asks dejectedly. I write to my grandmother. "I am. going to be a life long student," I tell her. I call my mother. "After gradua- tion, I will be a member of the Univer- sity alumni community," I inform her. This time, she hangs up on me. I go back to my VCR and watch "The Graduate" a few more times. - , .. Ni 4 /A$ fI 5j The editors here at the Daily hope that where ever you are going, and whatever you are doing for Spring Break, it goes better than the Griswolds' trips. Staying away By SCOTT PLAGENHOEF Spring Break is upon us. For those not fortunate to jet down to the islands to enjoy the week off, things are bleak. Too cold to play basketball. Too depressing to get ahead on studies. None of your friends at other schools have vacation this early. Rent a movie? Maybe, but if you're trying to keep with a vacation theme the choices may be slim. If you feel you're missing out on an old-fash- ioned senior year in Daytona or South Padre vaca- tion then Spring Break films won't be any antidote. They are unwatchable and even unrealistic (no drinking on Spring Break?). They simply play out as sun-soaked westerns with different pairs of guys dueling it out for dippy broads with only two attributes. As seemingly inappropriate as they are, however, they always reinforce the proper attitude towards teen sex. The trips south never result in any success, even if the bikini-chasin' guys enlist the help of their usually reliable friend, Spanish Fly. Some wacky situation always conspires to keep them unsatisfied. Even when Elvis tried his hand at a Spring Break film, he had no luck. The KING couldn't even get laid. Instead in the end some guy falls in love with a virginal hotel em- ployee admirably working her way through col- lege rather than taking part in the nutty Spring Break hijinks. Ski vacation films are more of the same crap. Instead of a week's vacation though, it's usually a whole season featuring some chiseled ski instruc- from the 'Up All Night' flicks tor mercilessly hitting on the resort owner's daugh- ter while trying to convince her father that he ain't such a bad guy. It's the "Saved By the Bell" summer episodes in Aspen. The most popular vacation films are the three National Lampoon installments. The original, and clearly superior, follows the Griswolds' trek across America in the family truckster on the way to Wally World. The second features the Griswolds on their way to Europe as lucky winners on the Pig- in-a-Poke game show. A great opportunity to lam- poon our fellow Western allies and all we get is that cow Audrey either sucking face with or whining about that Johnny kid who beat the piss out of The trips south never result in any success, even if the bikini- chasin' guys enlist the help of... Spanish Fly. female strangers. Winner of the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, the dialogue is, save the scen- ery, the whole film. It's sort of a female "Glengarry Glen Ross" or Merchant-Ivory lite. If a vacation from reality and sanity is in order. don't plunk down three bucks to wallow in the pretension of "The Wall" or "The Song Remains the Same" again. Get to the Art section (yes, the. ART section) of the local Blockbuster and rent, "Salvador Dali: A Soft Self-Portrait." You know, his paintings - warped clocks, burning giraffes and crutches everywhere - now see and hear the artist. Don't be alarmed, this is Dali later in life. It is nothing like his 1920's surrealist short, "Un Chien Andalou" (the "Ants! Ants! Ants!" segment ' on Sprocket's "Germany's Most Disturbing Home. Videos" is rooted in this), though it does show a couple clips. The entertainment here is not shock value but pure oddity. The surrealist master muses in fractured English and recreates his paintings life-size (but sorry, no burning giraffes), all under the narration of Orson Welles. The very best vacation film of all time, how- ever, may be the most disturbing, "Deliverance." The classic canoe trip gone bad is a true master- work of culture clashing and man's instinct for survival. Sodomy, Burt Reynolds, toothless rednecks, Ned Beatty squealing like a pig, and that ugly little kid playing the banjo. If it doesn't sound like a pleasant combination, it isn't, but don't Daniel LaRusso in the first "Karate Kid." Ugh, give us a bodybag. The third vacation is no vacation at all. Sure the Griswolds - Clark, Ellen, and the third incarnations of Rusty and Audrey (Juliette Lewis?!) - are home from school and work, but they stay home. No family vacation. A more stately and proper vacation film is 1992's "Enchanted April." Two meek, English housewives escape their disconcerned husbands for a month's vacation in a large house with two scrutinize it, watch it and enjoy. Dreams of sun shield from the cold, but Florida does better Sy JESSIE HALLADAY As I fought my way across the Diag against the icy wind and sub- zero temperatures, two thoughts bushed me along: "I wish I had been born an Eskimo" and "At least Spring 3reak is almost here." As I prepare for the many papers md exams professors pile on before /acation, start a new job, and try to keep up with massive amounts of reading, I think of the not-so-distant future when I can lounge on the beach basking in the Florida sun. And I mile and press on. For months now I have been plan- i ing my trip to Fort Myers, Florida to tisit my grandparents. I've spent hours on the phone with travel agents who toll me they are getting me the best deal possible. Finally, after much re- s-arch, I booked a charter flight which I am assured has only the slightest I ossibility of getting canceled. (By rie way, the charter company should now that if they cancel my flight, I n coming after them.) It is a bigger pain to find a cheap f. ight than I thought it would be. Northwest started slashing prices, but wouldn't you know they would black cut the days when I wanted to make lay journey to the white beaches and rolling waves of the Gulf. But once the hassle of booking a flight was tnished, my mind was at ease and all had to do was sit back and dream of 1 ay vacation. I have lived in Michigan all my I fe so you would think I would be u ,ed to these arctic temperatures, but there is something about 60 degrees below zero that makes you long for palm trees and tacky souvenirs made from seashells. For some, Florida may not seem like the ideal vacation spot. I mean if For months now I have been planning my trip to Fort Myers, Florida to visit my grandparents. I've spent hours on the phone with travel agents who tell me they are getting me the best deal possible. Finally, after much research, I booked a charter flight which I am assured has only the slightest possibility of getting canceled. you want to hassle with old people driving at a snail's pace, go to Florida. If you want to fight your way through theme parks that are over decorated with mice, go to Florida. And it may not be the safest time to head to the Sunshine State with all the tourist deaths occurring. If that isn't enough, there are always the other tourists to deal with. Let's not forget the grandma who will comb the beaches trying to find the "perfect young man" for me. But despite all these apparent drawbacks, there is one thing Florida has going for it; IT'S WARM! And at this point in my life that is enough. It seems like the older I get the more I long for a little dose of sun- shine come the end of February. Last Spring Break I went to Kentucky to visit my grandmother who had been ill. It was the coldest it had been in years in Louisville and when I re- turned my mood was even worse than when I left. There is definitely some- thing about sunshine that puts a smile on my face. If you take a look around campus at this time of year, you will soon see that I am not the only one counting the days until vacation arrives. (By the way, there are 16 left. Not that I'm counting or anything.) People start walking with their shoulders humped over. Suddenly people who have been best friends for years start bickering like enemies. Basically, people are on edge. And the only cure is a little time off. Now this "time off" can occur anywhere and people will start feel- ing better and stop fighting with each other. But from personal experience, time off in the sun is much better than time off at home. Maybe it's that you don't have to spend half an hour get- ting dressed to go out into the harsh elements. Or maybe it's the soothing sound of the surf hitting the shore that lulls you to sleep at night. But what- ever it is has the curing effect that February in Michigan calls for. So, Spring Break is a special kind of medicine for me that no doctor could prescribe. Nothing seems as bad or as stressful when I know that I will be out of here for one full week of fun in the sun. And hey, if you're just going home to spend time with your parents, I'm sorry. But I'm going to Florida. C-ya! SPORTS NEWS' TOTAL TO THE MINUTE INFO CALL NOW! 1-900@9905505 EXT 997 $2.00 PER MIN. AVG CALL 2 MINS AVERAGE COST PER CALL $4.00 MAXIMUM COST $10.00 TOUCH TONE PHONE REQ UNDER 18 GET PARENTS PERMISSION STRAUSS ENTERPRISES CARMEL, CA (408) 625-1910 I(EY WEST! " s " " " e i 0 " " " " O " " i " f "' Spring Break Specials Mon-Wed Perm $5 OFF Wash & Condition $18 We Specialize in Black Hair Care REIAXERS " M " " a " " " braids hairweaving S S O O O O O OU I f 0 00 For Reservations, call 1-800-695-5150 or 1-305-294-3773 s 312 Thompson St. . (near comer of Liberty) : 995-5733: ."!i.@.«......t.. fl"r" i'orf i .1 .r.f{'r::r; x ~rV.;. .'i::~r."<"'":f. ' ?:. ~ . . / i 4 f,ir /.ri';:. .{.i:: ir:":r:":r J" rr. GGEST?.f,4i. CASH SALEri r. : :r~i.ri It's Dance. It's Music. It's Cutting Edge. Featuring: Nijinsky's 1912 ballet Afternoon of a Faun (music by Debussy) t b 7 Chinese Cuisine Chia Qate rf LIMI TED TIME OFFR plus new works by UM dance faculty: Daughters of Isis (music by Banfield) Vast Sky Is Falling (music by Webern) The Firebird (music by Stravinsky) qmpp -RMW-- __________________4.'./'.'.'.//1, .. .. ,N', k 4, 4,/I" U5 H "'M . .'S ' , 11 ' :': :- - i ikKets areA ..- .