The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, January 27, 1994 - 5 Every position pitiable Life, liberty and the pursuit of crappiness If you happen to be graduating college this year or know someone who is or can conceivably imagine graduating, you have surely felt at some point the shocking imminence of an uncertain future. As a graduat- ing senior, I suddenly find myself forced to have goals, to shape from the malaise of disenchanted moder- nity a set of values and a plan for realizing them. Yes, "M*A*S*H" is finally over, and the pointless, exis- tentially absurd, Alan Alda-less days of "After-M*A*S*H" have begun. Now, please don't infer from the above that I'm supposing college graduates' privileged position to be an especially or inherently pitiable one. But in the spirit of fairness I should say every position can be equally pitiable, potentially. Neither should you mistake the above for good feelings about the time preceding graduation, or for good feelings about anything. I cannot be held respon- sible for any impressions extracted from this article other than those con- sistent with a totally negative and hopeless view of life. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Nice attitude" and "Lighten up" and "Gardner-White Furniture! We're known by the money you keep. Da. Da." Frankly, nay-say- ers like you make me sick. I bet when victims of the L.A. earthquake stag- gered out of their destroyed homes in tears you were there saying reproach- fully, "Nice attitude." For your information, Nice Atti- tude Smurf, some of the most revered and famous figures ever have sup- ported the idea of the general crappiness of things. Thomas. Jefferson originally wrote in the Dec- laration of Independence, "Life, lib- erty and the pursuit of crappiness," but James Madison made him take it out (even though he had to admit that it would be funny to leave it). And Ben Franklin, when he wasn't on the professional wrestling circuit, was fond of speaking at large gatherings and saying, "You know, folks," and then making fake farting noises with his armpit, smiling from ear to ear. (That doesn't exactly fit in here, but it's an amusing bit of apocrypha for you.) I think a good metaphor for crappo- life is summer day camp, as I remem- ber it. For those of you that missed out on this experience and the years of psychotherapy that it necessitates, summer day camnp is where you go when you're little and your parents think you need to get out of the house but are too busy to torture you them- selves for their amusement so they pay summer day camps to do it. Orga- nized by experienced Nazi war crimi- nals, my camp day was broken down into "periods," each designed in some different way to permanently destroy self-esteem. Period 1: morning line-up. Camp- ers who had forgotten their lunches or bathing suits were shot. Period 2: swimming. After chang- ing in the locker-room of the nearby exercise center which was full of old nude men whose penises had fallen off, we were given swim lessons. The head lifeguard would hold up this sign that said "_ool," and he would say, "This is our pool. Notice there is no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way." So I proceeded to pee in the pool, as well as on the lifeguard, and was summarily shot. Then we were in- structed to tread water for upwards of five hours. Period 3: baseball/ritualized hu- miliation. I was particularly bad at baseball compared to the other kids who were already veterans of little league. Because of my underdevel- oped skills, my peers would ridicule me and, after the game, engage in a savage war dance in which I was dragged across gravel. Period 4: barium enema. After an enema, everyone was shot. PeriodS5: the "special" period.This period was set aside for the day's special treat. For example, our coun- selors, if they showed up, might give us a can of shaving cream and say, "Have a blast." But that was way more fun than usual. Usually it would just be something like running away from crazed animals or pelting each other with dirt. At the end of the summer we collected our experiences with the help of our counselors and wrote the famous book, "Lord of the Flies." I guess I have a lot of anger built up from my summer day camp days. I have yet to find a good outlet for my rage. The first thing I tried was cut- downs, but I could never get them quite right. Once I tried to utter the standard retort, "I'm rubberand you're glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." But I was so flustered that I ended up screaming confusedly at the top of my lungs, "I'm rubber and you're made out of metal; whatever you say bounces around and sticks to a wall." The kids looked at me quizzically and then dragged me across gravel. So, Happy-face Smile-a-lot Nice Attitude Sunshine Smurf, here's the. crappo creed for you: The pursuit of crappiness is not a privilege. It's an obligation. Meanwhile, live it up in Smurfland, Smurfs. Imagine lying on the 'M" for eight hours on one of the cold days last week. Lillian Gish probably could have - she did the equivalent for "Way Down East." Way Down East' revives silent, black and white film By MICHAEL THOMPSON 1 Maybe you're new to the city of Ann Arbor. Maybe you just don't go to the movies. Or maybe you live under a rock. Whatever the case may be, if you missed the fantastic screen- ing of D.W. Griffith's "Intolerance" two years ago then you missed out. In a big way. And let's say that you even i Way Down East Directed by D.W.Griffith; with Lillian Gish and Richard Barthelmess missed out on the screening of "Thief of Baghdad." Yeah, the one with the live orchestra. Yes, that's LIVE or- chestra, as in real people and real instruments. Oh, you were sick that -onth. Okay, sure. Whatever the case might have been, now you've got anotherchance. You see, you just happen to be lucky enough to live in Ann Arbor. And although the town is a far cry from New York, Ann Arbor still gets its fair share of great cinema. So don't blow it this time. The film is "Way Down East," a classic by D.W. Griffith.,Who is D.W. Iriffith? Well, he's sort of like the father of film. You know, like James Brown is the godfather of soul. You get the idea. Anyhow, the story revolves around a young girl named Anna. She and her mother are struggling to make ends meet when they decide to send Anna off to live with her rich cousin. Anna becomes involved in a complex and ambiguous marriage which will haunt her as she struggles to live out her life. Sure, it sounds banal enough, but Griffith is behind the wheel so get ready to be blown away. Anna is played to perfection by the talented Lillian Gish. Gish's gift of being able to act with only her face brings every emotion imaginable into this character. Now if you haven't seen a Lillian Gish movie then you are just missing out. Yeah, Holly Hunter was great in "The Piano," but now look at a woman who had no choice but to act without words. Anna is innocent, tainted, fresh, exhausted and euphoric several times over as the drama plays out. And Griffith piles on the drama. Although there is some dispute to the claims that Griffith "invented" much of early film technique, there is little doubt that anyone was a better direc- tor at the time. This guy is to silent film what Quentin Tarantino is to crime film. Griffith's cross-cutting and use of close-ups are legendary. After seeing "Way Down East," it is easy to understand why Griffith will be studied (and worshipped) at least as much as Orson Welles or even Ingmar Bergman. But enough of all this film school name dropping, let's get back to the movie. Now, "The Fugitive" was great, ladies and gentlemen, but in terms of stunts it has little on "Way Down East." Oh, I know what you're thinking - how can a silent, black and white film be more engaging than Harrison Ford running from Tommy Lee Jones in big, loud, full color? Well, just watch the ice flow sequence at the end of this movie and then try to SPORTS NEWS TOTAL TO THE MINUTE INFO CALL NOW! 1 0099.505 Ef ,997 $2.00 PER MIN. AVG CALL 2 MINS AVERAGE COST PER CALL $4.00 MAXIMUM COST $10.00 TOUCH TONE PHONE REQ UNDER 18 GET PARENTS PERMISSION STRAUSS ENTERPRISES CARMEL, CA (408) 625-1910 tell me you weren't excited and won- dering how the hell they did that. That was a dummy they threw out of that drainagepipein "The Fugitive," folks. That's really Lillian Gish floating around on a chunk of ice. Oh, you don't believe it. See the movie and shut up. And hey, "Remains of the Day" is very romantic and sensual, but again, "Way Down East" has it beat. Griffith and crew create every kind of tension known before the film is over. Will Anna find the man of her dreams? Is the baby going to live? Will the truth destroy all? Will the poet finally wake up to his true feelings? Is justice go- ing to be served? And will anyone be alive at the end to rejoice? Folks, this film tries to have it all, and it just about pulls it off. So now you're wondering why you shouldn't just rent this movie instead of going to the Michigan The- ater. Okay, first of all, it's not going to look good on a small TV. That's a fact, accept it. Second of all, it's not that cold out anymore. You can go outside without serious fear that your lungs will freeze. Third, this is an original print. This film isn't going to be at the State or Fox Village in a couple of weeks. This is your one and only chance. Fourth, and most impor- tant, there will be a LIVE orchestra there playing the music for this film. Just like they did it in the old days. Now think about it, how many chances are you going to have to see a film like this the way it was supposed to be seen? Not a whole hell of a lot. Be- sides, you probably missed the other two opportunities anyway. Yeah, that's right, you get to be entertained and you have a great experience also. Now I know that this is Superbowl weekend. And I know that many of you are just going to stay home so you can wait for the first annual "ButtBowl" on MTV at halftime. Or maybe you'rejust waiting to see what banal TV show will be piloted when the game ends. Folks, you can watch the Superbowl anytime. If you'd rather have an experience a little more stimu- lating than drooling with your eyes open, and I know that's the case, then get down to the Michigan Theater. WAY DOWN EAST is p aying at the Michigan Theater Sunday at 7p.m. IT'S 3 FREE Sessions with any package. Awesome Deal! WANNA BE IN MOVIES?? presents PETER BENEDEK 1220 S. University C9 above McDonalds 747-9400 Expires 2-7-94 "Agents, Hollywood talent agent and UM alumnus answering questions and discussing: Business, and Creativity in the Movie industry" Friday, 28 January 1994 3:00 pm; MLB Lecture Room 1 University of Michigan Winter Blood Drive We need your blood! The American Red Cross needs U of M students to help out. The sick and injured of Southeastern Michigan are depending on us. Giving lood is easy and takes Northwestern College of Chiropractic is now accepting applications for its next three entering classes. (April 1994, September 1994, January 1995) Thursday, January 27, 1994 I i