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January 27, 1994 - Image 12

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 1994-01-27

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4- The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, January 27, 1994

The world according to Corey - Haim and Feldman that is*

Oh the cruel fate of the unlucky few! What balmy hand
hath menacing life dealt you, my child, to have been born
under an oppressive regime? To have been born without
love or good lighting. To have been born without parents,
born without money, born without hope ... Hell - born
without certain necessary body parts, like arms, or toes, or
toe nails or a harelip. Yet, nothing, surely nothing in this
great, wide world could be worse than having been born
a Corey.
Oh, no, not just any Corey. One of the terrific two. One
of the tantalizing teens. One of the tremendous trollops.
One of the terrible, talkative, tuna-breathed, tawny-tufted
tools of late '80s pop culture. Yes, that's right, I'm talking
about none other than the duo dweeby, Corey Haim and
Corey Feldman.
What do you mean you don't remember them? What
about "The Lost Boys"? What about "Dream a Little
Dream"? What about "License to Drive," for chrissake?
Who couldn't relate to the plight of Corey H. as the
troubled Les, struggling within the realm of his own
personal dichotomy, trying to find a way to win the girl
and learn how to drive, all in one summer. And what about
Corey F. as his faithful friend, wanting to be supportive,
yet concerned about the dangers that a driver's license
might entail. I think that I'm correct in stating that we've

all been in that situation at least once.
Yes, they certainly made a dynamic duo, but things
didn't start out that way. It's hard to believe, but there was
a time before the Coreys ever worked together. A time
before they'd ever met. A time before there was such a
thing as "The Coreys." Years ago, they were just two
young actors, following their separate paths. Corey F. was
making films like "Goonies" and "Bad News Bears," but
he was also in "Stand By Me." Corey Haim was in a
number of commercials, but he was also in "First Born,"
"Silver Bullet" and "Lucas." There was promise. There
was potential. And then there was puberty.
It is at this point that two key things happened. First of
all, Corey H. began resenting being typecast as a geek. He
began to doubt himself. He began to think "I'm not good.
I always play the geek. Maybe I am a geek." He was right,
of course, but didn't realize it at the time. He was in denial.
This denial led him in vain on a search for a new identity.
The chance to be looked upon as that prototypical way-
cool American screen teen. But John Hughes never made
the call.
Crushed, Corey H. turned to other means. He started
off on the right foot with "The Lost Boys," an admittedly
cheesy, yet entertaining Vampire semi-spoof co-starring
pal Corey F. (who was looking for some new ground
himself). Pleased by their mutual hit, they elected to work

together again in both "Dream a Little Dream" and "Li-
cense to Drive," two films oozier than defrosted Govern-
ment cheese, yet the Public (junior-highs) went crazy. The
Coreys were born. Every teeny-bopper rag in the country
had their smirking mugs stretched tight across its cover. In
middle school bathrooms everywhere, the issue of "Who's
cuter, Corey or Corey?" took over the previously hotly
debated "Who's cuter, Charlie or Emilio?" They were hot.
They were known. And better yet, they were cool.
Then something went wrong, very wrong. A split
occurred and the world stood still as the Coreys went their
separate ways. Were they angry with each other? Had
there been some sort of unknown rivalry between the two?
Had Corey H. had it with Corey F.'s budding relationship
with Michael Jackson? Or had Corey F. just had it with
always being the sympathetic friend, Mr. Goody-Goody,
the nice guy who never gets the girl. "What am I, a
chump?" he began to wonder aloud. It was at this point
that he knew that it was time to take action.
And boy did he take action, spitting out four of the least
nice guy roles of his career in just over a year: "Round Trip
to Heaven," "Rock and Roll High School 4Ever," "Meat-
balls 4" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3," which
even opened in theaters.
Corey H., feeling hurt and rejected, set out to prove
that he didn't need Corey F., he didn't need anyone, damn
it! He was a man! A man! He churned outfive films in just
a little over a year: "Prayer of the Rollerboys," "Oh, What
a Night," "The Double O Kid," "Dream Machine," and
"Fast Getaway," of which the Syracuse Herald Journal
said, and I quote: "A+ for stunt work."
Yet, nothing really clicked. It just wasn't the same
working without each other. Corey F. began to miss
playing "the friend" (and just humans in general) and
Corey H., well, he once again began to doubt himself.
"What's the point in being a cool teen if Corey F. isn't
there? He's the only person I know who actually sees these
movies anyway." He was right, of course and a conference
was held.
Corey H. admitted that he was having trouble making
the transition from cool teen to cool adult. Corey F.
pointed out that Corey H. had never really made the
transition to cool teen. Corey H. got a little defensive and
stated rather blatantly that Corey F. was "everybody's
least favorite 'Goonie."' Corey F. got angry and said

something to the effect of "Well, at least one of my last
four films made it to a theater." Corey H. asked rather
cryptically if Corey F. was planning to spend his whole
life working with stubby, armed reptiles.
This went on for a while. Finally Corey F. let down his
defenses and admitted that he had a wounded inner child.
Corey H. thought for a good long while and then turned to@
his friend of old, and said, with passion in his voice,
"Whaaa?" Apparently, all the years of hairspray and
insincere acting had made it impossible for Corey H. to
understand anything as deep as that. This seemed to set up
an impossible barrier. "Climb every mountain," the words
uttered by the cheery nuns from "The Sound of Music,"
(words that had so often served as a source of inspiration
to both Coreys) now seemed taunting and even a little
How would they resolve this conflict? And what
exactly had the conflict been? Neither knew for sure. They *
knew only that something was amiss. Suddenly Corey F.
remembered and felt ashamed. The fact was that he didn't
know what a wounded inner child was either. He'd never
known. He'd only said it because the phrase had been
stuck in his head for several days now. He had heard it
somewhere. But where? Hadn't Stuart Smalley been talk-
ing about it? No, that wasn't it. Was it Richard Bay, or
perhaps Ernie from "Sesame Street?" No ... oh, wait!
Suddenly he remembered.
It was from that new script. The one he'd just been *
sent. The one with all the deep, symbolic imagery and
inner turmoil. Something about a guy and his friend and a
girl. Now what was it called? Oh, yes, "Blown Away."
He'd been particularly intrigued by the role of the support-
ive friend, but had been concerned that no one had been
cast in the lead yet.
Suddenly, he knew the answer. And Corey H., who
had been curiously watching Corey F. through all this
pondering, realized it, too. They would work together.
Even though the film had a straight-to-video release date
before filming began, they knew that they had made the
right decision. Besides, no one else would work with
either of them, anyway.
Ahhh, relief. And immediately, Corey F., always one
for timing, began to hum the theme song from the Asti
Spumanti commercial, with Corey H. joining in at the
chorus. Reunited and it feels so good! Oh, doesn't it?


*f215 S.

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