TheMichigan Daily - Tuesday, April 19, 1994 - 11

'Threesome' three times the crap


By CHRIS LEPLEY, ALEXANDRA
TWIN and SCOTT PLAGENHOEF
We didn't get a soundtrack. Greedy
homophobic bastards stole them all
before we got there, so we actually
had to stay and watch the movie with
Threesome
Written and directed by Andrew
Fleming; with Lara Flynn Boyle,
Stephen Baldwin and Josh Charles
no hope of compensation (except for
that cheesy poster where Josh Charles
* looks like he just took a shit).
Because the usual tight-fisted col-
lege crowd showed up for this free
event, our press seats had to be re-
served for us. They were conveniently
labeled "D," "A," "B," "C," and since
"D" never showed up (and wasn't
expected, since there were only three
of us), we had a seat for our coats. The
coats actually liked the movie, and
d will represent the "pro-" viewpoint
* during this review.
The other three sentient writers of
this review will be: A: Chris, B:
Alexandra and C: Scott. We will at-
tempt to engage in intelligent dis-
course about this piece of shit.
The plot:
C: There was a plot?
B: Yeah, everybody slept with each
other, but waited until they were
friends first.
A: I think they should've had sex
while they were still strangers, that
way the movie would've only been
20 minutes long, and could've been
billed like the cheap soft-core porn
that it was.
D: "Threesome" was a witty and
intelligent foray into the world of
sexual politics in the modern age.
f Alex, played by the lovely and tal-
ented and highly orgasmic Lara Flynn
Boyle, is mistakenly assigned to the
dorm room already occupied by pe-
nis-obsessed Stuart (Stephen
Baldwin) and sexually confused Eddie
(Josh Charles).
The audience:
B: I feel sorry for the people who
sat in front of us, 'cause we were so
obnoxious.
C: I don't feel sorry for them,
'cause they were homophobic little
moles clamoring for free stuff and
laughing at dirty panty jokes.
A: I thought the dirty panty joke
was the highlight of the film.
C: But they laughed at every lousy

dick joke thrown at them. No wonder
"Ace Ventura" made tens of millions.
D: Hey, "Ace Ventura" was great.
I hear they're making a sequel. And to
their credit, the audience dealt very
maturely with the homoerotic ele-
ments of "Threesome." They stifled
their groans very politely every time
Eddie glanced at Stuart's naked but-
tocks in the shower.
A: I thought the naked buttocks
were the highlight of the film.
Lara Flynn Boyle:
B: What was with that damn li-
brary scene?
A: Thoreau ain't that good. If it
was "Hustler," maybe, but Thoreau
C: If only it was that easy ...
D: I think Boyle does her best
work since "Wayne's World" in this
romantic comedy extravaganza.
A: She sure doesn't have a future
in the faking-orgasm business, espe-
cially not with all that screaming.
B: She doesn't have a future. Pe-
riod.
Stephen Baldwin:

B: I liked his butt.
A: I liked his butt, too.
C: I prefer Alec Baldwin's butt.
A&B: Really? What about Billy's,
circa "Sliver?"
C: I prefer Billy's butt in the
"Backdraft" era.
B: "Backdraft" blew chunks.
A: Hey, Ron Howard is a genius.
Didn't you see "Cocoon?"
C: Ron Howard is the whitest man
in America.
D: Let's not bring race into this.
A: Race has nothing to do with it.
Stephen Baldwin can't act. But he has
a nice butt. You can make a career out
of having a nice butt.
B: Just look at Patrick Swayze.
Josh Charles:
B: How come he hasn't worked
since "Dead Poet's Society?"
C: Didn't you see his vulnerable
portrayal of the hot dog delivery man
in "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's
Dead?"
D: This film is at least as good as
that classic Christina Applegate tour-
de-force.

A: I agree. She should've been
hired to play Alex. They had such
great chemistry going in "Don't Tell
Mom ..."
C: She could probably fake or-
gasm better than Boyle.
In conclusion:
A: I live with two guys and we
don't act like this. And those dorm
rooms were pretty damn big.
C: What was with this "Saved By
the Bell" syndrome? These three had
no other fucking friends besides each
other. None!
A: There's probably a good rea-
son for that.
D: They were sterling examples of
today's troubled youth. The scene
where Stuart contemplates castrating
himself at the behest of a cheap Jesus
candle rivals the crucifixion scene
from Scorsese's "Last Temptation of
Christ." Oscar caliber.
B: Yeah, "Oscar" caliber, like the
Stallone flick.
D: Two thumbs up! Way up!
THREESOME is playing at Show-
case and Briarwood.

Stephen "I look like a horse" Baldwin, only has a "nice butt" going for him.


I

FREE
Unlimited Phone Calls
I to 76-GUIDE, (4-8433)
the U of M peer counseling line.
If you have a problem (BIG or small),
call anytime between 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.
1 I
L r........ r r r r .... .................. ..... rn ........

1851
The Institute of Gerontology
3rd annual
Bennett J. Cohen Memorial Lecture
presented by
Bruce C. Vladek, Ph.D.
Administrator,
U.S. Health Care Financing Administration
"Integration of Acute and Long Term
Care Services"
Thursday April 21, 1994 at 2:00 p.m.
Rackham Amphitheater

Lecture by
GEOFFREY WOLFF
author of: Black Sun,
The Duke of Deception,
Providence, The Final Club,
A Day at the Beach
Open to the public
hop woodawards
The 1994 Hopwood Awards will be announced Tuesday,
April 19 at 3:30 p.m. in the Rackham Auditorium:
The Kasdan Scholarship in Creative Writing
The Arthur Miller Award
The Michael R. Gutterman Poetry Award
The Jeffrey L. Weisberg Freshman Poetry Award
The Chamberlain Award for Creative Writing
The Helen S. and John Wagner Prize
The Andrea Beauchamp Prize


I

IR IX

Yo u

may

even

get

paid

fo r

readin~g

it .After all, this book from

MasterCard offers lots of useful tips on finding a real
job, and it's written for students by students. To order
your copy for $9.95, call 1-800-JOB-8894. MasterCard.
It's more than a credit card. It's smart monev7

I

. .

i