The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, December 2, 1993 - 5 Spending the di By DIRK SCHULZE cense to spend more than the GNP of Oh me oh my, what a sheltered most developed nations on your video. world I live in here at school, away As eye candy, it is more sickeningly from home and away from cable. With over-the-top than Circus Peanuts. the television in my apartment, I'm It is hard to tell the commercials lucky to get NBC well enough to from the videos. They flash by too distinguish Kramer from George. No fast, their soundtrack a mix of hip- c:able and no MTV. So innocent. So hop and electronic beats and that zany sheltered. So lucky, I thought. How- new grunge stuff. A clue: commer- ever, by not watching the music chan- cials are shorter. nel, I was missing out on a phenom- ena that defines what popular music Axi Rose In black and is these days. MTV is a visual radio white really does not station that reaches the country and thus can affect sales more than any look much better than regional AOR or college rock station. Axi Rose in color. And the folks in charge are not afraid to use their power. They wield Slash, however, their control like a blunt instrument, benefits from the no more gentle and no less effective. Over Thanksgiving, I took it upon treatment and appears myself to sit through many many hours haughty, wistful and of MTV, without using the remote control and with as little mental wan- reserved, even a little dering as possible. So be it. An easy thoughtful task, I thought; a few hours here, a "t few hours there and I shall emerge unscathed and ready to tackle finals. Radiohead is a creep. I wish he Not so. The images, the music, the was something special; I suspect he cut-and-paste editing, Duff, the lights, smells, though not like teen spirit. the smoke, the Day-Glo paint... all Maybe the kids like it. Crazy kids. bleeding together into a stew of in- Why is Billy Corgan painting his comprehensibility from which only a ice cream truck? Why is he driving an few concrete thoughts emerge intact. ice cream truck? Is this the same set Axl Rose in black and white really that they use for those Taco Bell ads? does not look much better than Axl Admittedly, the Smashing Pumpkins' Rose in color. Slash, however, ben- "Today" is one of the catchiest songs efits from the treatment and appears I've heard, but I just do not under- haughty, wistful and reserved, even a stand the video. That's probably *ittle thoughtful. alright. I've understood very little of This Meatloaf thing has got to go. what I've seen. "I'll burn my eyes Fine, your album from the '70s still out," he sings. I think I already have. goes gold every year, I can accept Adam Curry is an ugly man. I that. But that does not give you li- remember seeing him on Dial MTV iy with Mom, apple pie and MTV in tenth grade when he had big long Bon Jovi hair. Now it is short and even uglier. Them there sideburns have got to go. Ah, what hath the computer age wrought upon us? Apparently, Aerosmith and the band's latest video "Amazing." It's a funky fresh state- of-the-art computer-generated virtual reality thang that, in a daring example of visual sampling, shows clips of another Aerosmith video, "Cryin'. " Wacky. Stevie and the boys are lookin' a little old and wrinkled, to tell you the truth. It might have done them some good to look into a little com- puter enhancement for themselves. Rock and roll will never die, I guess- it just gets older and older. The Breeders' "Cannonball" only begs the question of who is cuter: Kim or Kelly Deal? A great song. Here, I appreciate having the visual with the audio for it offers the chance to see the little smile that creeps across Kim's face when she sings "I'll be your whatever you want / The bong in this reggae song." I thought Beavis and Butt-Head were kinda funny at the Sick and Twisted Animation Festival last year, but to watch them for more than five minutes becomes rather painful. I find my nerves on edge every time they mutter "Uh" and take a four second pause. I'm not saying Beavis could not find his way to the GRE if you gave him slow directions, but mul- tiple choice would be way beyond this air guitar guru. Besides, White Zombie? Beavis and his pal better receive royalties for every record the band sells after being deemed "cool" by the philosophical duo. The Breeders are a fine specimen of MTV music, but they double their pleasure with the twins Kim and Kelly Deal. The Church is on MTV's "Alter- native Nation." So is Nine Inch Nails. Say what you will, you gotta love those segues. Hoo-ah. That is ulti- mately what it all comes down to. MTV is the master of the brutal segue and nonetheless, it rules the country. Short attention spans are no problem because when you get tired of hard rock, you're shoved into the land of Mariah Carey and from Mariah's magic kingdom to Dr. Dre's wild world of bikini-clad women and from there to the Spin Doctors and the band's close friend Little Miss Little Miss Little Miss Can't Be Wrong. Perfect for Thanksgiving, I suppose. It's not just a video channel, it's a mind-boggling game of corporate record-pushing; it's a rapid-fire suc- cession of explosions and smoke and sun and sand and game shows and real-life soap operas. It's the other white meat. Sex maniacs As I reach the twilight of my col- *ege years - a roller coaster blur of casual sex, beer, laughter, good times, ritual human sacrifice - my thoughts turn toward an earlier and equally unforgettable time in the groove tube have orgasmic orgy: and the different people who lived it. sal of time. Here are some favorites; if your "Time to break out of t class had senior quotes, these ones school penitentiary!" High will surely sound familiar. obviously loves this guy to h "If you love something, set it free. him free, but unfortunately t Ifitcomes back, it's yours. Ifit doesn't, was never high school's to beg it was never yours to begin with." "When I came to school,l This appears three to four times in know what the meaning was most yearbooks, and thus must ex- plan to learn when I know. T press something vital to the teen spirit. strength of wisdom is know Just what it is that so many high power." This is the typical wel school seniors are loving and setting ing idiot who makes everyon free all the time is a bit of a mystery, with his mental inadequacy. however. Maybe it's their dog. "If you love someone, s "These are the days we love. We'll free. If they come back, tramp never forget them and we'll always just for a joke." This is the ir remember them. To the Bad Boys, ible joker of the class. Ren KC and Fresh-Hump - peace out when he put a meatball and keep rockin!" This type of quote principal's pants?! is written mainly by girls, and also by But the wit and erudition o guys. My advice to them: if you love quotes may be deceiving; the: these days, set them free. If they come capture the confusion of adol back, they're yours. If they don't, For many, high school is a t well, I wouldn't be too surprised, un- sexual discovery, when our less from the standpoint of Humian and minds are changing and skepticism which permits the rever- becoming horn-dogs. For ruminations of a high schoi .. .. . his high school have set this guy gin with. I didn't . Now I The best ledge is l-mean- ne laugh et them le them, repress- :member in the of senior y do not escence. time for bodies we are others, of life: high school. So strap on your seat-belts, and get ready for a rockin' and rollin,' dippin' and dappin' you- don't-know-what's-happenin' trip down memory lane. The high school yearbook is an excellent starting place for reacquaintance with those precious years. I was just looking through the *senior quotes in my own yearbook, and I was delighted to find how much they brought back about high school sadly, there is no discovery or devel- opment. Instead, these unfortunate few shrivel and soon die. The very special adolescent awak- ening is something usually discussed in "health class," designed to help us through this frightening and exciting period of development and taught by adults with the training and sensitiv- ity to do so - gym teachers. Here is how my health teacher explained sex: "Now, you all probably know that sex makes a baby. Nobody knows why. A man and a woman have sex by inserting the man's penis in the woman's vagina. "While a penis is simple to oper- ate, low-maintenance and extremely enjoyable, the female reproductive anatomy is a mysterious and danger- ous area," he said. "BEWARE. A vagina has at least 10 to 20 parts, the main ones being clitoris, urethra, vagi- nal canal and super-kaleidoscope." My first sexual encounter was cer- tainly nothing like I had imagined it would be. She was a beautiful nubile thing of 15 and one night in January, when we were swimming in the lake - almost catching our deaths from the cold (crazy kids) - I worked up my nerve and decided that I would kiss her. I had seen movies; I knew a woman liked a man to be aggressive, to take control, to make her feel at- tractive by slobbering on her and, eventually, using her body for cheap erotic stimulation. But I had not the guts simply to leap forth and slobber. So when I got home, after being revived from a hypothermia-induced coma, I called her to tell her I wanted to kiss her. It was imperative that I get the act over with soon, because it was making me a nervous wreck. So we decided we would kiss first thing to- morrow in shop class. As soon as I got to wood-shop I did my best to emulate my libidinal cinematic heroes. I swept her up in A graduate my arms, shouting, "Denise," spun her around, and then, losing hold of her, flung her into a drill-press. She rebounded onto a circular saw and, to my horror, was decapitated. Not to be foiled, I deliriously seized her sev- ered head and mouthed her blood- stained lips. Then I burst into tears at the mess I'd made of my first kiss and ran from the room, utterly humili- ated. But I guess we've all got some similar story to tell about our first clumsy steps toward sexual maturity. It's all part of the joy of growing up. Don't blink; you might miss it. Small ClaSe lw Fellini's flicks filled with fervor By MICHAEL BARNES A cinematic God is dead, but the Federico Fellini pantheon lives forever n its imaginative glory. There is some- thing for everyone in the work of the late Italian director, a man who ran away to the circus as a boy and then spun that world of the occult and bi- zarre onto reels of film for the rest of his life. His work spawns entirely from a twisted, fantastic imagination where a structured story line is scrapped for a mosaic of scattered, purely magical images. With all the bombastic and obse- quious praise that has been lauded on the man, Fellini appears monumen- tal, a cinematic deity that wears an imaginative crown of thorns and de- lights in the pain. Fellini may frighten a tepid American audience. Stern voices in the heartland are wary of all the artistic artifices that enamor them- selves to a controversial artist. Home- 4pun American values and piety may be threatened by this freak of visual excess. A vintage Fellini-esque basket of apples and oranges is never more ac- cessible than the director's classic art-as-life study "8 1/2." The film is a collection of the meanderings, warped fears and demented fantasies of an Italian director, Guido, who battles a *ost of critics - from his producer and writer to the press - who deplore his ideas as "formless" and lacking of, a "fundamental principle." Guido yearns for a project of "ambiguous realism" that bucks the escapist ten- dencies of modern cinema and is stain- free of lies and compromises. From the opening scene of the director stranded in his car, banging on the windows that cloud up with steam as an array of old, decrepit faces peer in on him to the final sequence of his cast of clowns, harlots, lovers, showgirls and sailors parading down the steps of an apocalyptic, nuclear monolith decked out in gay banners that arch triumphantly in the wind, "8 1/2" documents the windfall of para- noid, libidinal churnings that soar from Guido's bent imagination. The rich soil of Fellini's mind is fertile pickings for everyone. "8 1/2" possesses enough cerebral girth for intellectuals to ponder and drone on about at the coffeeshop. Most of the characters in the movie subside on spring water which, on a figurative level, waters Guido's string of adven- tures and hallucinations. This kind of textured erudition is an oasis for the denizens of academia to slake off of and belch forth at a wine and cheese party. For moralists, there is a warped version of guilt on which to pass judg- ment. When Guido beds one of his many mistresses and has to confront a Catholic priest, he drifts back to memories of his boyhood when he was flogged by a priest while wearing a Klan style dunce cap complete with a sign of shame affixed to his back. Iconoclasts will deliriously indulge with this same boy who, in another scene, bathes in a cauldron of wine while a young girl, ever the bacchanal nymph, tosses him grapes from a bal- cony above. Fellini is ripe pickings for feminist critics, because "8 1/2" is loaded with scantily-clad, beautiful woman that lust after Guido. Such blatant exploitation could only come from the reprehensible and terminally incorrect mind of a fat, old white man. Consequently, this same social pa- riah rises as a tower of achievement for perverts and porno junkies. That Fellini's movies are so for- eign give all empty -headed, future vanguards of the upper-middle class a chock-full of material to extract and flaunt in some attempt at a meaning- ful conversation. So check out Fellini, say "Oh, my God" at his absurdist grotesqueness and bounce a real nut around the cavernous edges of your mental tin can. I Big Scores. Guaranteed 553- 2153 7 Pvvtcton ReawwJs alktbated withntr Pnnc. ton Urwers4 nor Vie EdckxaonJTesir, Seiw. wp BROWNING plus fine American and European Antique Furniture 803 N. Main " Ann Arbor 761-9200 Mon. - Sat. 10-6 THE PRINCETON REVIEW we$Scor M ow cascasom$78 London $395 Orando $119, Toky" $779 San lose $510 'This fare starts fron $119 -ree-day ar and hoW. Aother fares ore roundnp. Faxes not indcued anid restreicisapply. Sounls Trma 1220 S. 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