The Michigan Daily-New Student Edition-University-Thursday, September 9, 1993 - Page 11

A tour guide's guide to the tour rhetoric

by Jesse Brouhard
Daily Staff Reporter
Over the course of nine tours, 423
buildings, 673 gawks by passing stu-
dents and infinitesimal useless factoids
about various campuses, I arrived in
Ann Arbor in the fall with absolutely no
idea of what I shouldhave remembered
from my initial glimpse, my campus
tour.
When you get right down to it, very
few facts mentioned on campus tours
contain any intrinsic value to a Michi-
gan student, but are included in tours of
every campus worldwide in order to fill
time during the merry walk through
university grounds.
As a former conveyor of useless
facts- read tour guide - I will lead
interested readers through the tidbits,
.notes and information that all walkers
of the tour faith should carry in their hip
pocket.
Buildings, Shmildings I say. Has
anyone ever been to a university in the
world without its allotted number of
cuboidal structures made of brick? And
whoever even thinks about that stupid
story regarding the LSA Building's or-
ange World War II bricks (which have
* been mentioned as the difference in the
allied victory over Germany) is imme-
diately banished to the back of the tour.
Around here all you basically need
to remember is the Union (No, it is not
just the world's largest Wendy's), Angell
Hall and possibly even a library or two.
The Union accepts Entred Plus,

which is a free
cash bonanza for / x
those who use it
properly. Correct
usage encom-
passes gaining
the purchasing
power available
at the book store,
thus including ice
cream, new un-
derwear for those
too lazy to do
laundry and even
books, if you re-
member to buy
them for classes.
Angell Hall
contains Aca-
demic Advising.
You can beg
them for mercy
to help fix your
messed upsched-
ule. If you are
extremely lucky,
they may even
spare you from
your terrible fate "
and then you can
passgo,probably Even Julius Erving (
payanextra$200 goes along with the
in tuitionandpro-
ceed to CRISP, located in the basement.
This sequence of events should be
avoided if at all possible. If there is no
way around it though, Angell is your
building of discontent.

the Clarence Cook
Little Building for
Natural Sciences,
identical in appear-
ance to the Museum
of Natural Science,
minus the trendy
"Jurassic Park" di-
nosaur bones. The
' only relevant fact
about buildings is
one's ability to find
classes inside them,
not their names.
Tour guides pe-
rennially say the
weather isn't that
bad here. If you be-
lieved that, you may
want to inquire if
your summer job
can be made into a
full-time position
because you might
find school slightly
challenging.
The guides'
wamingsaboutcom-
puters are true.That
EATHER LOWMAN/Daily is if you were still
our. However, he paying attention
real dirt. while cruising the
uniquely entitled
Fishbowl overlooking the Angell Hall
computing center. By the end of tours,
even the crusty cookies in the candy ma-
chines are starting to appear appetizing.
I too was impressed at first glance by

the sprawling expanse of waiting
Macintosh computers.
The-problem with finding a com-
puter during midterms or finals week,
however, is that the number of comput-
ers actually functioning in Angell Hall
could fit comfortably into Shaquille
O'Neal's left shoe. When you are num-
ber 167 on the waiting list for your
paper due in 16 hours, don't say I didn't
mention it.
Every tour guide I've ever met says
getting the classes you want isn't diffi-
cult. True and untrue, depending on
what you plan to take.
CRISP (Computer Registration In-
volving Student Participation) should
just be called CR. The only student
participation is praying while.a person
types in your schedule to an emotion-
less computer housed in parts unknown
to the layman.
If you select large lectures, the CRISP
god will be kind since professors don't
care if they lecture to ten people or ten
million. If, however, small classes ate
your game, the CRISP machine will
give you unenviable days and weeksof
grief. Not that I would know anything
about grief, sleeping in the back of my
large lectures.
Basically, after this brief introduc-
tion, you have brought long underwear,
eaten Wendy's everyday, CRISPed into
classes, found them and have a place to
type papers. Having all those things
done, your remaining time can be con-
sumed by snowshoe frisbee in the diag.

HE
background, with hat) knows there is little information of value on the average to
crowd in this shot. If you listen to our seasoned professional, you will know ther

The Graduate Library is only useful
if you feel the need to get even more lost
than you are already are upon arrival.
Enter its crevices and tunnels only after
your first failing grade. If your parents

can't find you, they also can never find
out.
All the other buildings on campus
both inside and out are boring class-
rooms with overzealous titles such as


What exactly is in the Michigan Union?
Believe it or not, there is more to the Union than fast food and John F Kennedy

by Bryn Mickle
Daily Staff Reporter
What exactly is in the Michigan
Union? Take a straw poll across the
University campus and the overwhelm-
ing response will probably be that the
Union is home to a Mecca of fast food
restaurants.
The truth is, the Union serves as the
largest student center on campus. Let's
take a brief tour through this storied
building, which served as an army bar-
racks in World War Iand was the site of
John F. Kennedy's famous"peacecorps"
speech.
The ground floor is the one most
heavily traversed by the majority of
students on central campus. In addition
to offering a wide array of restaurants
-including Subway and Little Caesars,
the basement houses a video arcade, a
ticketmaster outlet and a student book-
store.
The book store provides everything
from snack foods to current magazines.
Oh, and it also sells pesky things like
notebooks and texts.
The arcade houses current game fa-
vorites like Ms. Pacman and Centipede
and doubles as a movie rental outlet
where students can get the latest films
and rent VCRs.
The finances required to use any
of these services can be accessed
through a number of automatic teller
machines scattered throughout the
ground level. For those students who
need to escape the University, there is
even a travel agency that operates
year-round.
Of course, students who can't af-
ford a travel agent need only to check

the student ride board. Where else
can you sign up to travel hundreds of
miles in an enclosed space with a
complete stranger?
The first floor of the Union is not
nearly as exciting as the ground, but it's
twice as useful. Seated behind a large
circular desk marked INFORMATION
sits a highly skilled team of University
experts.
They will use their valuable skills to
help you decipher difficult problems
such as bus schedules and office loca-
tions. Plus, they have access to more
pamphlets than the average student will
ever need.
Directly next to the desk, and across
the hall, are other student necessities -
study rooms. These have antique lamps
and overstuffed leather chairs so you
can at least look like you are doing
something intelligent. Of course, late-
night study sessions require a student's
best friend - caffeine.
This vital academic need can be
satisfied at Cafe Fino. In addition to
providing coffee, espresso and other
concoctions, the shop serves as a good
neutral meeting place.
If you require more than coffee to
satisfy your desires and fast food is
not an option, the U Club may be the
answer. This moderately-priced res-
taurant offers good food in a nice
atmosphere. It also acts as a night-
club, although after it stopped serv-
ing alcohol, its attendance fell off
dramatically.
A walk up another flight of stairs
reveals one of the Union's best features
- a pool hall. Yes, a cursory glance of
Ann Arbor shows the glaring lack of

acceptable forums for a game of eight-
ball.
For those students sick of shooting
stick on felt that has been warped by
pitchers of cheap beer, the second floor
of the Union offers a room filled with
regulation size pool tables.
The rates are semi-reasonable and
the crowd is not as unsavory as the
usual Ypsilanti crowd. If pool is not
your game, the floor is home to the
Michigan Ballroom. This dance em-
porium is also used for. the Summer
Job Fair, Greek Rush and a plethora
of mass meetings.
The third floor is home to that bas-
tion of good student government- the
Michigan Student Assembly (MSA).
Our esteemed student leaders have their
chambers, as well as their offices, on
this level.
In addition, the Office of Student
Services (OSS) is available to provide
information regarding campus student
organizations. The OSS staff will pro-
vide students with guidance and direc-
tion to find the campus organizations
that best fit their needs and desires.
Those students interested in sexual
orientation can pop into the Lesbian and

Gay Male Programs offices for advice
and counseling. The staff of this office
is very discreet and all counseling is
done with the strictest of confidential-
ity.
The fourth and fifth floors contain a
maze of offices that house everyone
from the Christians In Action (CIX)
student group to the offices for Student
Legal Services (SLS). While, the CIA
staff will help you figure out your rela-
tionship with God, the people at SLS
will help you figure out your relation-
ship with your landlord - a very im-
portant service when you are facing an
eviction notice.
This article could go into the gory
details of a complete office rundown,
but why take away the valued ser-
vices of the first-floor information
desk?
Moststudents usuallyjustgothrough
the ground floor to get food or take a
shortcut through to the other side, but
first-year students would be well ad-
vised to investigate the various services
the Union has to offer.
You might be surprised to find it is
more than aconglomeration of fastfood
places.




s The Union

Entre6 Plus, MSA and the ride board. These things have vital importance
within the structure of the structure pictured above. Learn the terms or
suffer the consequences of not being a Union-fluent Michigan student.

_____________________________ 1. 1

Cardinal
Cleaners
Convenient dry-cleaning pick-up and
delivery at all residence hall front offices.
SPECIAL STUDENT
DISCOUNT PRICES!
The authorized dry-cleaning service of the
University of Michigan Housing Division.

W can point you in the
right direction....
For information on anything from good
food to replacing your student ID card,
Campus Information Centers are the b
places to start. Check out their locatio
Michigan Union and the North Campus
Commons, and take advantage of the s
listed below.
763-FILM and 76-EVENT:
24 hour phone recordings of daily
campus movies and events
/
UM-CIC:
On-line event information available
through the MichNet Network
For access, type UM-CIC at the1
Which Host? prompt
Also:
Listings of community and campus ev
info on U of M offices, services and faci
restaurants, accommodations, attracti
walking tours, and maps!!
9%~. .

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