GUIIDE
Continued from page 1
New U of M students should not feel intimidated by the fast-paced world of
the University. I found a solution to almost every problem, an answer to every
question - 763-INFO. Day and night, an operator stands by, waiting to answer
all questions.
How do I get to the Chemistry Building? What does CCRB stand for? Who the
hell is C.C. Little? Are there really dragons in Nichols Arboretum? What's the
special sauce on a Big Mac?
The operators are amazingly intelligent. The brightest graduate students only
dream of becoming INFO-line operators.
There are many new words vital to the first-year University student's vocabu-
lary.
CRISP is an important acronym standing for College Rite In Screwing
People. It also stands for Computer Registration Is So Perplexing. CRISP can be
roughly translated as: wait in line for three hours to find out that the class you want
is full.
This brings us to another significant word - waitlist: the equivalent of
academic purgatory. This word means you are not in the class, but you go to the
class, buy the books for the class, kiss your professor's ass, and beg for an override
slip.
These are a magical cards that are rationed out sparingly. When used
properly, they can enroll you in the desired class. However, do not pass go, do not
collect $200, go directly to Angell Hall, the home of the CRISP gods.
U Twootherkey terms, as far as lingo goesinclude calling a dormitory a dorm,
and a frat a fraternity. I recently attended my first fraternity party and made the
mistake of asking one of the "brothers" how he liked living in the frathouse.
He brusquely corrected my verbal faux pas by shouting, "Fraternity! Not frat!"
He then asked, "Would you call your country a cunt?'
"No... sorry," I meeklyreplied. However, I would have liked to have answered
his question with, "No, but I would consider calling your mother one!" Although
I would not recommend this type of behavior at some of the University's finer
Greek institutions, as it may be hazardous to your health.
I've quickly picked up on a few tricks for campus survival. Eating, for
example, is quite vital to the ill-funded college student. Avery inexpensive meal
may be obtained in this way: simply hang out near the exit of the nearest dorm
cafeteria, and when a meal-planned student opens the door to leave, nonchalantly
stick your foot in the door and walk in.
These cafeterias have unlimited food for a very reasonable price - free.
Admittedly, the food is not the most digestible, but a bottle of Maalox is much
cheaper than a bag of groceries from the corner Hop-in.
Another tip new students may find useful is to simply shake your head and say
no thank you to the people handing out pamphlets as you wander around campus.
If I accept every brochure offered to me in a day, I wouldn't have room in my
backpack for books.
Besides, the pamphlets are either advertising protests such as, "Free All
Housecats!" or "Save the Mosquitoes!" or they promote some odd religious sect
such as the "Buddhists for Jesus," or the "Give-me-all-your-money-because-I'm-
God Society."
Here's another pointer that may help you in your upcoming school-related
struggles. Invest in a backpack. In high school it was considered very uncool to
even admit to owning a backpack. The hip high schooler carries all his or her
books, notebooks and folders under an arm, even if it means dropping them five
times a day.
In college, not only is a backpack a necessity, but wearing one can be cool, too.
The socially acceptable way to wear the backpack is over one shoulder. I suggest
alternating shoulders occasionally to avoid developing monstrous muscles on
only one side of the body.
Of course, the exception to'the one shoulder rule is when riding a bicycle. Only
then is it permissible to use two shoulders atone time. Do not attempt one-shoulder
bicycle riding unless you are a professional.
As each day passes at the University of Michigan, I pick up on new rules and
helpful hints towards becoming a 'U' survivalist. Don't fret, you won'tbe walking
around campus with your map in one hand, and course schedule in the other for
too long. Heck, I stopped doing that days ago.
- Travis McReynolds is aformer Daily Staff Reporter and recent graduate of
*' the University of Michigan.

The Michigan Daily-New Student Edition-University-Thursday, September 9, 1993 - Page 9
Regents steer studentsfunds

by J.B. Akins
Daily Staff Reporter
"I've heard of it. But what does it
do?" This is the common response stu-
dents give when questioned about the
University Board of Regents.
The Board is the governing body
of the entire University. "U" Presi-
dent James Duderstadt and all vice
presidents report monthly to the
Board, which oversees all financial
and academic matters concerning the
University.
The Board discusses seemingly mi-
norissues such as granting faculty mem-
bers leaves of absence but also deals
with far-reaching topics such as tuition
increases. The Board decides faculty
salaries and which degrees will be of-
fered at the Ann Arbor, Dearborn and
Flint campuses.
It also has final approval of all Uni-
versity budgets, including the budgets
for the Michigan Student Assembly and
the $500 million plus University Hospi-
tals budget.
The eight members who sit on the

Board are elected state-wide to serve
six-year terms. This year's Board is
made up of the following community
leaders:
Deane Baker (R-Ann Arbor).
Baker has been involved in University
politics for 21 years. In addition to the
time he spends on the Board, Baker is
also president of an Ann Arbor land
development ad construction company.
He advises new students to be pre-
pared for the adjustment from high
school to college.
"Be ready and get down to work
rightaway," Bakersaid. "It's abig shock
for some students when they first get
here and see the amount of work they
have to do. Enjoy all kinds of activities
but academics is the first thing you're
here for."
Rebecca McGowan (D-Ann Ar-
bor). McGowan is director of govern-
ment relations of Industrial Technology
Institute in Ann Arbor. McGowan, who
was an assistant to Vice-President Walter
F. Mondale, was recently elected to the
Board in 1992.

Paul Brown (D-Mackinac Island).
Brown has been on the board for 21
years. Normally he spends time settling
cases as alawyerwhen he's notat Board
meetings.
Laurence Deitch (D-Bloomfield
Hills). Deitch spends his time away
from the Board as director of Franklin
Commercial Group. Deitch, who also
lectures on real estate law topics, was
recently elected to the Board in 1992.
Shirley McFee (R-Battle Creek).
McFee, a University graduate and
previous mayor of Battle Creek, is a
business executive of GHS Corp. in
Battle Creek. She was elected to the
Board in 1990.
She counsels new students to take
advantage of the opportunities and get
exposed to as much as possible without
overloading.
"Come in with your ears and eyes
open and absorb as much as possible,"
McFee said. The multiplicity of oppor-
tunities makes making informed choices
important.
"Develop a full scale of activities
but in a progressive manner in order to
sustain without flunking out."
James Waters (D-Muskegon).
Waters has been involved on the Board
for 21 years. When he's not serving the
Board, he spends his time as personnel
director of a-law firn in Muskegon.
Philip Powers (D-Ann Arbor).
Another Ann Arborite and University
graduate, Powers has been on the board
since 1987.
As a student, Powers sat on the

of an educational institution with the
caliber of the University's is special,"
Varner said. "The University is one of
Michigan'smost valuable resources and
to be able to serve the state of Michigan
by contributing to this education is re-
warding because I am able to perpetuate
the University's traditions."
President Duderstadt is ex officio
and runs the Board meetings.
Others who sit on the Board are:
James Renick, chancellor of the

Varner

Dearborn campus; Richard Kennedy,
University secretary; Clinton Jones,
chancellor of the Flint campus; Jon
Cosovich, vice-president of develop-
ment; Maureen Hartford, vice-president
of student affairs; William Kelly, vice-
presidentof research; GilbertWhitaker,

'Be ready and get down to work right away. It's a
big shock for some students when they first get
here and see the amount of work they have to do.
Enjoy all kinds of activities but academics is the
first thing you're here for.'
- Deane Baker
University Regent

Michigan Student Assembly and was
an editor for the Daily. Powers founded
and now owns a newspaper chain in
Livonia, MI.
Nellie Varner (D-Detroit).
Varner, owner of a law firm,has served
the board for 13 years. She also serves
as president of Primco Foods, Inc.
and is a real estate investment broker.
"Having an opportunity to be a part

provost and vice-president of academic
affairs; and Farris Womack, vice-presi
dent and chief financial officer. ;
The Board meetings are held every
third Thursday and Friday of each month
in the Regent's Room in the Fleming
Administration Building, located be-
tween the Union and the StudentActivi-
ties Building. All meetings are open to
the public.

University President James Duderstadt heads Regent meetings as ex officio.






A true/false exam you must pass
'U' is chock-full of age-old tall tales every student must know

by Bryn Mickle
Daily Staff Reporter
Throw away all of those placement
exams you took.This is the only test you
need. Welcome to Michigan Myths 101,
the class that dispels all of those ugly
rumors orientation leaders tell unwary
newcomers. Now sharpen that pencil and
prepare to learn -by the way, cheating is
both allowed and encouraged.
True orFalse - The spinning black
cube by the Union is aperpetual motion
machine that provides power to the
University.
False. The cube is nothing more
than an aesthetically pleasing sculpture
that goes round and round.
True orFalse- Asubterranean maze
of tunnels winds through the bowels of the
campus, providing escape tunnels for ner-
vous regents and presidents.
True.There are over seven miles of
tunnels that connect various University
buildings. These can be accessed
through street entrances and basement
doorways, but students are not encour-
aged to search for the secrets of these
passages.
0 True or False - The Bell Tower
houses a massive nuclear missile that,
until recent changes in the political cli-
mate, was targeted at the heart of the
Soviet Union.
False.'This is a lie fostered by those
losers in East Lansing.'The Tower really
contains the second heaviest musical in-
strumentintheworld- theBairdCarillion.
ETrue or False - Hash Bash is a
giant University-sponsored party put
cn by hosts Maureen Hartford andJames
Duderstadt
False.Itisaparty, buttheUniversity
(in its modesty) chooses to let the stu-
dents convene without the burden of
hina £cller achool-sonsored event.

University, paving her way to becom-
ing a media starlet.
True or False - The Music Televi-
sion astronaut planting the flag on the
moon is a University alum.
True. Somany Michigangradshave
landed on the moon, NASA started an
alumni club on its surface. The MTV
flag is really a Michigan flag that was
electronically altered by greedy execu-
tives at MTV.
True or False - Schembechler Hall
houses the cryogenically frozen bodies
of former coaches Fielding H. Yost and
Bennie Oosterbaan.
False. Although both coaches have

buildings named after them, theircorpses
are firmly ensconced in the ground at
Forest Hill cemetery. Bo Schembechler
can, however, still be seen prowling the
athletic campus.
True or False - Students who step
on the brass M in the middle of the Diag
will fail their first bluebook exam.
True. Actually, this question can go
either way - but hey, why not play it
safe.
True or False - The stone pumas in
frontoftheNatural ScienceLibrary will
come to life if a virgin ever graduates
from the University.
True. Honest, I've seen it. Really.

Why are more college
students buying
Macintosh
than any other
computer?
The answer is easy.
Students love Macintosh be-
cause it can help them do their
best work right from their very
first day of college. They love
Macintosh because it's easy to
use, so they can get up to speed
right away. And they love
Macintosh because there are
no cryptic commands to
memorize ever. If you
want to get the most out of


"I never considered
myself a computer
person, but Macintosh
has changed all that.
Now I'm using lots of
programs and doing
things I never
expected..."
Karen Tanner
Fine Arts Major

college, then

you'll love

"My Macintosh saves me
an incredible amount of
time. I use it for4oing
everything from com-
puter programming to
writing lab reports to
running my own disc-
jockey business. With-
out my Macintosh, I
wouldn't have enough
time to run the business

Macintosh, too. After all, the
last thing you need when
you're starting school is an-
other tough subject to learn.

and do my schoolwork."
Marr n C'astnp da


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