The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, September 16, 1993 - 5 I Parlez-vous Franeais? S'il vous plat, don't blame it on Rio - blame it on the French We must wonder sometimes what sense there is in all the world's suffer- ing. Is there one cortex of evil from which all disaster emanates? When we look to the patterns of history, it be- comes clear that there is one entity responsible for all things bad and un- pleasant - the French. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why did The Borodin String Quartet: they may look a bit uptight, but hey - they're the greatest living interpreters of Shostakovich. 'uer-StarsStr By KIRK WETTERS This year'sUniversityMusical Society concert schedule contains a great variety of events, but it has a noticeable emphasis on Russian and ex-Soviet performers and reper- toire. The performance of all 15 string quartets of Dmitri Shostakovich by theirgreatest living interpreters, the Borodin String Quartet, is the high point of the "Russian" concerts, and is one of the most important events of the entire season. These concerts, to be performed throughout the last week of January, are an unparalleled opportunity for concertgoers to experience some of the most pivotal and emotionally sear- ing works in the 20th century chamber music repertoire. Twentieth-century repertoire has a substantial place in this season's line- up of events ... (however,) there's no danger of a modem music takeover. Also in January, the Trio Tchaikovsky will perform Shostakovich's opus 15 piano trio. Among other Russian groups, the St. Petersburg Philharmonic (under the baton of Mariss Jansons) will perform Prokofiev, Rachmaninov and Berlioz at the end of October. This orchestra, known to many by its previous name, the Leningrad Philharmonic, has the richest tradition of all Russian orchestras. In addi- tion, Vladimir Spivakov will direct the Moscow Virtuosi, the Beaux Arts Trio will perform Arensky's d minor piano trio, and the Moscow Philharmonic Orchestra will present an all-Russian program including Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto with soloist Gil Shaham. Twentieth-century repertoire also has a substantial place UMS Season in this season's line-up of events, starting with soprano Jessye Norman, who will include songs of Messiaen on her September recital. Boston Musica Viva and the Kronos Quartet will explore even more adventuresome repertoire in their programs in October and March. More mainstream performers have also decided to include "modern" reper- toire, such as Andre Watts, who will play Lutoslawski in his October concert. There's no danger of a modern music takeover - classical war-horses are also featured in abundance. Kurt Masur will conduct Mendelssohn's much-loved Symphony No. 4; Giuseppe Sinopoli will direct Wagner, Beethoven and Schumann and the Emerson String Quartet will perform two quartets of Beethoven. Among the many- "super-star" performers who will appear this year, one of the most rewarding should be November appearance of American baritone Thomas Hampson. Hampson will perform Grieg, various songs on poems by Walt Whitman and Robert Schumann's master- piece, the song-cycle "Dichterliebe."Alsonoteworthy is the appearance of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in March under the direction of Kenneth Jean. Although Jean is not a super-star conductor, it is likely that this concert will top the CSO's disappointing Ann Arbor visit with Music Director. Daniel Barenboim. Complete listings of '93-'94 events are available at the Burton Memorial Tower. For tickets and more information, call the UMS box office at 764-2538. A limited quantity of half-price tickets (limit two per student ID) will be available to students on Saturday between 10.00 a.m. and 1:00 p.n. at the Hill Auditorium box office. the Kennedys die? The answer: France. Because this is a somewhat radical position, and because the evils of propa- ganda and revisionist history have painted quite a false picture of France, perhaps it would be fitting to give a brief history of France - one which might reveal some of the surprisingly odious facts about this annoying nation. The first king in the royal line of the French was Hugh Capet, literallymean- ing Hugh "Head." Being the first king, he was to establish a long precedent in dumb names for the French royalty, like Charles the Bald and Philip the Fair. The English meanwhile conferred more sensible royal epithets, like Henry the VIII. The French people tended to copy the British all the time and for a while named all their royalty Henry. This lead to dreadful confusion which culminated in the War of the Three Henrys. The Protestant Henry Bourbon who won the war is popularly misquoted as having said, "Paris is worth a mass," when in fact he stated, "I hate Paris. It's dirty, the beds are small, I don't know anyone here and there's nothing to do. I'm going home." Louis XIV's reign, while known for being the quintessence of absolutist monarchy, was instead a blight of lice, beetles, vermin and uncontrollable di- arrhea. Later, the French revolted and cut off Louis XVI's head, copying the British again. Decapitation is the na- tional pastime in France. In fact, there were only three or four Frenchman left with heads after the Revolution, and they were all opium addicts. In this vulnerable period, Napoleon took over France and most of Europe. Napoleon came to his end when a small bookshelf collapsed on him, crushing his puny body. Some suggest Napoleon was simply misplaced during spring cleaning. After that, it was not so many failed republics later that the French collabo- rated with the Nazis under the Vichy regime. True, there was a French resis- tance, but pouting doesn't really count. Also, Vichy, like usual, was a pretty dumb name. After World War II Charles de Gaulle took over. He campaigned to make France once again a world power. His plan was this: he would go around and insist loudly in public places like restau- rants and lavatories, "France is once again aworld power." This sortof think- ing didn't really work for France. How- ever it was extremely successful in get- (DeGaulle's) campaign bumper stickers read: "I am a grown man and I am now president of France." Nobody votes in France anyway, they just sit around cutting each others' heads off. ting de Gaulle into office since he was really a seven-year-old girl. His cam- paign bumper stickers read: "I am a grown man and I am now president of France." Nobody votes in France any- way, they just sit around cutting each others' heads off. France claims to have several im- portant contributors to the intellectual development of Europe, like Descartes and the mathematician Pascal.They may have been pretty smart, but no onecould understand them because they spoke in French. Furthermore, the French poi- losophers Voltaire, Montesquieu and Rousseau all copied the British. And Rousseau was known to be severely depressed because he was French. There was one good French writer -AlbertCamus -butafellow French- man, Jean-Paul Sartre, was so obnox- ious to him that Camus drovehis car into a wall. Recently, many people have begun trying to defendFrance. "But the French gave us the Statue of Liberty," they say. We now know this was only a rumor started by Charles de Gaulle. "But E T. was French," they say. This is the poor- est argument of all; everyone knows E. T. is from outer space. Itisamystery what goeson inFrance today, but most people think it has to do with wine and cheese. Others put for- ward the "cigarettes and mustaches" theory about affairs in France. Reports indicate that France is now a ruinous soiled nation which reeks of tuna salad. BA CK TO SCHOOL SPECIALSI ANN ARBOR CYCLERY 1224 Packard Ann Arbor, MI 48104 761-2749 Weekend etc. needs a cartoonist Call Melissa or Darcy at 763-0379, or bring some samples to the Michigan Daily Arts office at 420 Maynard What better way to celebrate the onslaught of fall than by visiting our Timberland@ Shop. * Here, you'll find the world's finest collection of weatherproof boots, shoes, clothing and accessories for men and women. " So stop by our store and visit The Timberland Shop. * Because fall is in the air. * and everywhere on the ground. "