Page 2- The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. -December 3, 1992

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Letters, letters...

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Today the Food King answers his
voluminous reader mail...
Dear Shithead,
In your Touchdown Cafe review

you made fun of El COuninos, acid
wash jeans, .38 Special, and big hair.
I drive an El Camino, wear acid wash
jeans, listen to .38 Special, and my
girlfriend Cheryl has a huge hair. If I
ever catch your snail eating, cream
puff, Sinead - loving ass, I'll beat you
senseless.
Signed, Dougie from Ypsi.
Dear Dougie,
Easy, man. Have I got a H-eather
Locklear poster for you. Seriously,
dude, man, I got your back. Fuckin'
A, I wuz just joking bout. all those
things, man. Chill out. The Kingster
knows where your comin' from. I
gotcher fuzzy dice, I gotcher feath-
ered haircut, I gotcher Skid Row
bumperstickers, I gotcher big haired,
satin jacketed, press on girlfriend. I'm
cruisin' man. What I'm sayin' is
"Annageddonit!"
Dear Food King,
After reading your column last
week about dieting, I thought you'd
be a fat, lard ass. I mean just areal tub
of crap. Jabba the Putz. You know
what I mean. However, my friend
Tudy saw you in the line at Wendy's
last week (She glanced at your entree
plus gold card) and said that you're
not fat at all. What's the story? I want
to lose weight so I can wear a bikini
during my spring break trip to Cancun.
Signed, Natalie.
Dear Natalie,
The secret is to wear big shoes
(they make you look skinny), baggy
clothes, exercise a lot (jumnp upjump

up, and get down), and eat lots of
Twinkie Lites and Grilled Chicken
Sandwiches. If that doesn't help just
wear a ski parka at the beach during
spring break (tell everyone you have
a low metabolism), or say you're in
costume (as the fat girl from Wilson
Philips).
Dear Food King,
I happened to peruse your 11/5
column in which you panned the Chi-
nese restaurant in the Michigan Union.
I would like to know why you believe
that the food served at the aforemen-
tioned restaurant is not authentic. I eat
everyday at Wok Express and love it.
The food is spicy, well presented, and
tastes authentic to ine.
Signed, Gung lo.
D~ear Gung Ho,
Never, ever use the phrase "well
presented." D)rop "peruse" altogether
from your vocabulary. Don't ever
admit to "loving" anything. And, fi-
nally, check out Chi-Chi's, it's got
really good Mexican food. Word to
your mother.
D~ear Food King,
You wrote that the Red Hawk Bar
and Grill had a trendy crowd, bad
atmosphere and weird/unappealing
food. The Metro Times, however, gave
the restaurant a really good review.
They said that the Red_ Hawk was
casual, had an interesting array of
entrees, and, overall, was a great din-
ing experience. Who do I believe?
Signed, Perplexed.
Dear Perplexed,
If you want to watch "My Own
Private. Idaho," (lance at S&M night
at Club X, buy the new MC 900ft
Jesus album, and eat fennel sausage at
the Red Hawk, listen to what the Metro
Times tells you. If you think
"Scarface" gets better the more you
watch it, would rather eat than dance,
think REMXS (whatever) is a joke,
and plan your class schedule around
"all you can eat" dinners at CGeppetos,
I'm the man. Ju wanna play rough?

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EDITOR
Jessie Halladay
ARTS EDITORS
Alan J. Hogg, Jr.
Michael John Wilson
CONTRIBUTORS
Laura Alantas
Melissa Bernardo
Mark Binelli
Jason Carroll
rn Steve Culver
Rachel Glauberman
Michelle Guy
Aaron Hamburger
Nima Hodaei
John Kavaliauskas
Patrick Kim
Dave Skelly
Chris Slovey
Scott Sterling
Jayne Wawrzyniak
' Michelle Weger
Kirk Wetters

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Josh Worth

BACKYARD INFINITY.

G toQ2--_


by Dave

MmW


SMC~u9 i ' .

Skelly
JXJST
RETAI1N
WAT.

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