Page 2-The Michigan Daily -Weekend etc.-November 5, 1992
A Wok on the wild side 'ae to Nwef,
dy 'oSlL Wort '
The Michigan Union. Some week-
day. Noon ... A giant throng ofentre6
plus enthusiasts overtakes the base-
ment just as 11 o'clock classes end.
Rowdier than a keg party and hun-
grier than the wolf, the student mob
forms jam packed waiting lines in
front of Wendy's, Little Caesar's,
and Subway. The Food King is so far
back in the crowd that he can barely
make out the day-glo Colored hair
and nose rings of the Wendy's work-
ers. Dispirited and feeling the first
pangs of food withdrawal, not even
the thoughtof scoring "Biggie" items
lightens his mood.
While daydreaming about the tuna
melts your mom used to make him,
the Food King's eyes momentarily
rest on the small Chinese/Thai res-
taurant next to Subway. There's no
one there: not one person waiting for
food. Only a small, elderly woman
sits behind the cash register silently
smacking her lips and looking like an
Asian Miss Havershamn. Feeling an
inner tug more gastrointestinal than
sublime, the Food King bolts the
Wendy's line and stumbles towards
Wok Express. "Oh gross, look where
- that guy's gonna eat!" a mealy-
mouthed girl exclaims behind him.
Suspiciously eyeing the dishes
behind the glass counter, the Food
King, horrified, notices their resem-
blance to La Choy brand canned food
products. Even worse, it looks like
they've been out of the can for quite
some time. Gooey beef and broccoli,
soupy moo goo gai pan, and murky
pad thai malevolently meet his gaze.
The soups look wrong, and the fried
items (egg rolls, chicken, onion
rings?) are so greasy that they defy
description. The inclusion of Clearly
Canadian in the beverage menu, how-
ever, gives the place a hip/'90s fla-
The Food King regrets losing his
place in the Wendy's line (now ex-
tending out to Warren), and he real-
izes he can't go back. The chicken
fried rice looks less flagrant than the
rest of the dishes. He thinks it might
be a safe bet. He's sorely mistaken.
The small lady working behind the
counter asks for his order.
Food King: "I'll have the chicken
fried rice please."
Small lady: "You want egg roll?"
Food King: "No thanks."
Small lady: "One or two?"
Food King: "Uh, none."
Small lady: "Okay, one eggroll, one
fried rice ... you want Coke?"
Food King: "No thanks."
Small lady: "Large or small?"
Small Coke, egg roll, and fried
rice in hand, the Food King grabs a
plethora of soy sauce and wanders
out towards the Tap Room. He's not
exactly the coolest guy to begin with
and he's acutely aware of the fact
that the food he's carrying looks
spedly compared to the 12" subs and
"Big Classics" that other guys carry.
Rueing the day he wasted entre6
plis, the Food King resignedly finds
a seat and starts poking at his rice
with a fork. Tiny chunks of withered
frozen vegetables, dry stringy
chicken, and pellets of crusty rice
reinforce the King's malaise. Look-
ing around the room, he notices that
he is alone in his ethnic entree foray.
Other students contentedly eat their
baby pan pans, BMT's, etc ... peri-
odically exclaiming "dude, no way"
or squealing "oh my gawd" to each
Leaving the rice and eggroll un-
touched, the monarch of food straps
on his backpack and heads back to
class still feeling the sharp gnaw of
hunger. It's a dark day indeed when
the Food King can't finish a meal.
Wok Express at Michigan Union
530 S. State St.
Faux Pas Phrase: "Mmm, smells
good. What's in it?"
What to Bring: Definitely not stray
dogs or cats.
Prices: What a bargain.
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Alan J. Hogg, Jr.
Michael John Wilson
John R. Rybock
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by Dave Skelly
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