The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - March 12, 1992- Page 3 'Fill it to the rim with pretension Ann Arbor coffee houses overflow with atmosphere-seeking poseurs t 4 k i by Karen Talaski - -Coffee drinking seems to be a University re- quirement. Some people major in sucking down enough caffeine to put Juan Valdez and his donkey into a coma. Students spend these forma- tive years acquiring their own style of drinking this evil brew. A common theme pervades Ann Arbor coffeehouses. Most of them reek of cigarettes, pseudo-French or Italian charm, and are brimming with arrogant patrons. Finding the perfect atmosphere for enjoying an ordinary cup of coffee is challeng- ing. Where can ardent, yet humble, coffee-drinkers find their own caf- feine paradise? The requirements for a good cof- fee experience are simple: a pleasant interior, modest clientele and a cheap, yet tasty, cup of coffee. In order to fulfill these essentials, the establishment must score within the limits of the Pretentiousness Meter: Four Black Turtlenecks: Andy Warhol would feel uncomfortable. Three Black Turtlenecks: Every customer professes to have loved Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats." Two Black Turtlenecks: The most popular piece of classical music played is most widely recognized as the theme to "The Lone Ranger." One Black Turtleneck: The last re- run of "CHIPS" is openly discussed and debated. Coffee is not the only beverage these establishments offer. They all serve espresso and cappuccino, java's devilish cousins. You may forfeit the down payment on your first house - these beverages cost average from $1.00 to $2.85. Cute little muffins, croissants, tarts, and other rich desserts are there for indulging gourmet tastes. Their prices are outrageous, but buy- ing them is a necessity. After drink- ing two or more cups of coffee, you are going to need something to cover up your breath. With that in mind, on to some in- dividual evaluations ... ESPRESSO ROYALE CAFFE: (State Street) The interior is done in early yuppie mortuary: track light- ing, ceiling fans, poseur Picasso art- work, plus black, black, and more black. The well-groomed potted plants and outdoor seating is remin- isant of Paris - Texas, not France. The young clientele is often found discussing their overwhelming first-semester knowledge. Studying is an impossibility because the lighting is dark and noisy customers discuss deep subjects like "The Far Side." Birkenstocks have been sighted on patrons, so beware. Not only are they ugly, but the wool- sock foot odor is unbearable. A single cup of coffee costs $.85. Its diluted taste is geared toward the beginning coffee drinkers who are drawn solely to the grown-upness of the drink, not its usual strength and bitterness. This cafe is recom- mended to people who crave atmos- phere over a caffeine rush. SCORE: a.. __ _ j GRATZI: The lay-out resembles the lounge area of a bowling alley. The tables are oddly shaped and scrunched together. Its color scheme ranges from coffeehouse black to neon pink. The place has the turn- over of Grand Central Station - definitely not a place to sit and watch your coffee grow cold. The clientele is older and profes- sional - this is your father's coffee place. Gratzi's customers take "power" coffee breaks: scanning the headlines as they chug down their fifth cup of the day. Students who venture into this adult coffee stop are mature and self-assured, their resumes ready at a moment's notice. A single cup of coffee costs $1.00. Its serving size is smaller than most other cafes and its taste must be acquired (like choking down fish eggs in order to appear couth). Tree bark tastes less bitter. This cafe is recommended for people who con- sider coffee drinking to be nothing more than a speedy transaction be- twPP.n twn rnnepntincr nnrtiPe SCORE: AI A CAFE FINO: (in the Galleria) This cafe's decoration strives to be artsy: international flags, posters of low-budget movies, and the cus- tomary pseudo black/white marble tables and chairs. Its view of Burger King and the parking structure next door, however, are constant remin- ders of Fino's mundane location in the heart of Ann Arbor. The clientele is social and quiet, pretending to read the articles in their copies of the Metro Times. This cafe is a primo studying loca- tion because it's out of the way and well lit. You bus your own table, re- moving the annoyance of hovering waiters or waitresses. A single cup of coffee costs $.75. It's extremely bitter and only a sea- soned coffee-drinker could take it black. But, the serving is large which MOLLY r x b s rrIn . aiy The rolodex and business card reflect Gratzi's professional clientele. makes it an excellent buy. This cafe is recommended for those who want a place to sit, talk, and maybe drink some coffee as well. SCORE: 441 UNIVERSITY JAVA: Caffeine is considered to be an addictive sub- stance, making this outdoor espresso bar the ultimate corner drug-dealer. Their only decorations are a "Word of the Day" calendar page and a protective green awning. The clientele are coffee junkies who need a caffeine rush to get through their 9 a.m. lecture and don't have the time to sit and schmooze in a cafe. A fast-food atti- tude prevails: order, get your coffee, and move on. These customers have no time for atmosphere. A single cup of coffee costs $.75. The secret to Java's success is the patented University Java card, stamped after each purchase. By the time you get your seventh cup free, you're already hooked. This cafe is recommended to people looking for quick and easy satisfaction. SCORE: Overall, the choice is yours. If you enjoy trendy people and places, Ann Arbor coffeehouses are Nir- vana. But for average people, there are alternatives. McDonald's coffee costs $.65 and Grimace has never been known to quote Kafka ... The Addams Family'sThing (now happily married) is spotted frequenting an Ann Arbor coffee house."LLY STEVENS/Daily I ~~ ~ I 2 PEPPERON I o ELITE'S ALTERATIONS ~J tailoring for ladies and men * Taper Pants * Same Day Service e Quality Work *** 20% Off With Ad*** expires May 1, 1992 527 E. Liberty Suite 209 Near Michigan Theatre 668-8478 I ~Pos PAS.WKAaO A5 ALwA.4c 00, LOCGAL. GacT5 S Hov wwxb' N W Nt~iN C..cJ i C 10% Discount to Students with I D. Sports Nutrition & Body Building Products *Vitamins & Supplements *Health Foods and a whole lot more 1677 Plymouth Rd. 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