Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc. - March 5, 1992
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Co out with the cop
IpTJike you, I am a conscientious student who is concerned with political
developments on this campus. So I decided to attend the hearings on
deputization two weeks ago to try and gain a greater understanding of the
complex issues involved and maybe get to occupy a building.
I was one of the idealistic young revolutionaries who helped occupy the
Fleming Building during the anti-deputization protests last year. I don't mean
to brag, but once inside the building, I personally led a small but vocal
movementofstudentswho tried to orderpizza. We hadabroadrangeofpopular
support, but, as so often happens when the masses rise up and seize power
without setting out clearly defined goals, we could not agree on toppings. As
a result we had to de-occupy the building and head over to Little Caesar's.
Don't think that I'm against police, however. I am strongly in favor of
police. We need police to protect the decent law-abiding citizens from
dangerous criminal scum such as myself.
My most recent criminal incident occurred during a basketball game last
month. I was seated in the last row of the lower section, and rather than walk
around to the aisle and make other spectators stand up to let me in, I simply
stepped over the two foot high railing behind my seat.
Luckily, two cops caught me before I sat down and, realizing the threat to
society which my action posed, summoned me over.
"Just what do you think you're doing?"
"Uh, going to my seat."
"You know you can't do that."
"Actually, I didn't realize that it was against the law."
"Let's see your student ID."
Fortunately, the officers let me off with only a stern lecture, rather than
prison. But the point is, police officers serve many vital functions to the
University community. And I understand that when dealing with dangerous
characters like myself they may need the aid of weapons. But I'm not so sure
that guns are necessary. I could have very easily been subdued with, say, aclub,
or even a small ax.
Just before bitak, the regents took time out of their hectic schedule of
composing obscure and grossly unconstitutional regental bylaws to hold public
hearings to hear students' views on deputization. Protesters chose to shout
down the hearings, the ideabeing that if the regents heard student concerns, they
might change their mind about deputizing campus police. And then we
wouldn't have anything to protest, which is exactly what the regents want.
After the hearings were shut down, the regents relocated to - you guessed
it- the Fleming Building, the fortress-like administration headquarters which
features tiny bulletproof windows, hermetically sealable entrances, steam
tunnel escape capability, arrow slits, and battlements enabling guards to pour
boiling oil onto attackers. Not that they were anticipating a conflict. However
- this is true -they forgot to lock the back door.
As a result, several students flung open the door and attempted to overrun
the cops standing in the hallway. Soon a large skirmish broke out, both cops and
students were being kicked and punched, and the nonviolent nature of the
movement was in serious jeopardy. Seeing this, protest leader Kevin Ryan
seized a megaphone and, drawing upon the peaceful traditions of King and
Gandhi, began screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs. Surprisingly, his
speech failed to stop the violence.
Personally, I declined to participate in the festivities this time. My police
record is already long enough.
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IDEN11rY oVER A
See the show or just be seen?
You've been longing, nay yearning, to see the new Gershwin show. At
fifty bucks a pop, plus a few sexual bribes for orchestra seats on a
Saturday night, everyone knows that Gershwin is the height of theater
experience. You've got your tickets, you've got a hot date and
reservations at Dish of Salt. Now, what will you wear? The creme de la
creme will be crowding Broadway tonight and you've got to make an
impression. Your clothes have got to say, "Hey, I'm too good for Chanel.
LaCroix is too obvious for me!"
Start with your basic black - and throw it out the window. The little
black dress may look great, but you'll blend with the others. You want
something that will catch the eye, particularly that of the leading man or
lady on stage. Bold stripes in yellow or fuchsia are great for that, screw-
the-house-lights-you've-got-me effect. Diagonal lines or splashes of
sequins or glitter are tres distracting for those around you - hey, who's
important here, the show or you?
Hats. Definitely..Tall ones are good. The people behind you are there
to be seen, not to see the show, don't we all know. Those proletarian types
in the balcony who can't see or hear the actors anyway will be dazzled by
your wildly wide-brimmed, your ruffly silk rose, or your classic brown felt
Men, the Godfather series may be dead, but everyone knows the
Corleones knew their arts and culture. The mafioso look is the only way to
go if you want to dress to kill. The four B's - Black, double-Breasted,
Brogans and Broad tied are key. Don't forget, white pinstripes will get you
past the ticket ripper, whether you've got one or not.
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*A Boston discount department store, Filene's Basement, thought they had
captured the correct culprit who had switched tags on an expensive purse
when they took Ruth Abrams into custody last week. They were soon
shocked to find out that they had mistakenly accused and arrested
Massachusetts Supreme Court Justice Ruth Abrams. The embarrassed store
managers issued a hasty apology to the irate judge.
-In San Antonio, Texas a maid service was struggling to survive because of
the dismal economic times. In order to revive their business they decided to
start offering topless maid service. The women charge eighty dollars an
hour for their cleaning services and don't do windows. Women's rights
groups are in a fury over this new business.
DID YOU KNOW THAT ...
"180 million people in the U.S. own a VCR, but only 144 million can
*3.2 million men use hair coloring?
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