Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc.-February 13, 1992


0l

Jonathan
Chait

.
.

Run for your life!
There are two basic types of sports: sports where the main goal is to im-
prove your physical condition, and sports where the main goal is to harm
other people's physical condition. I prefer the latter.
A prime example of such a sport is football. I grew up playing football,
and I can state with confidence that I would have been much healthier if I
had spent all those hours watching television and eating Crisco straight out
of the can.
The guys in my elementary school played tackle football at recess
everyday. We had to, because my best friend Mike made us. Mike was the
best athlete in the grade and he made sure that everybody played.
One time, I decided that I would sit on the sideline taking notes on the
game so I could write about it for my creative writing assignment. When I
explained this to Mike, he sneered, "You're just looking for an excuse not to
play!" Mike wouldn't let you sit out unless bone was showing. So I had to
partcipate, but, being my best friend, he let me keep a notepad in my back
pocet and conduct short interviews inside the huddle between plays.
One of the kids forced to play was an Iraqi immigrant named Man-hal.
Man-hal spoke no English when he first arrived, and of course had abso--
lutely no concept of American football. He realized, however, that when ,
you don't have the ball, the other players leave you alone. But-when you
have it, they become very angry and are willing - nay, eager - to hurt you
in order to get it back.
The other team would always kick off to Man-hal, and when faced with
a swarm of hostile defenders charging toward him, he would take the logical
action of simply giving them the ball.'
Mike, recognizing an opportunity, made Man-hal one of the captains
who would pick teams. Mike, of course, was the other captain.
None of us could figure out why Man-hal got to be the other captain
until Mike explained his plan to me. What he did was give Man-hal some
Bazooka gum and a promise that they would be friends in return for Man-
hal's pledge that, as captain, he would pick only the worst players. Mike
gave him a list of who he could and could not pick. I was one of the players
that he could not pick.
When we started the daily team draft, I was confident that I would end
up on Mike's all-star squad. Halfway through the draft the plan was
working perfectly; Man-hal was in the midst of putting together the most
pathetic collection of losers ever to be assembled on the hallowed field of
Pine Lake Elementary. But then disaster struck. With only a few players
remaining, including myself, one of the kids on Man-hal's team said, "Hey
- pick Chait!" Man-hal looked at me, trying to remember which list I was
on. His team urged him to choose me. Man-hal looked confused. "Chait,"
he said.
Lwas stuck quarterbacking a team that resembled the patients in "One
Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." Mike, in a rare moment of mercy, agreed to
limit blitzes to one per four downs.
We got the ball first, and the first three passes were incomplete. Worst of
all, they hadn't blitzed. Now it was fourth down, and we knew they were
going to blitz. Punting was considered unethical in schoolyard football.
See CHA T, Page 5

I wanna be your dog
Does Frederick's of Hollywood just bore you? Are you looking for
some leather love-wear to spice up your Valentine's Day? Cher's not the
only one who can wear come-on-and-just-do-what-I-command pants. You
too can make the same bold statement. Make a road-trip this weekend to
Noir Leather, Royal Oak's raunchiest alterna-shop that's guaranteed to
satisfy your most twisted fetish fantasies. Something for those lonely
Friday nights, or a little gift for your S & M buddy. He/she/they will be
tickled to death. Noir's got your basics, of course: crotchless panties,
studded leather bras - you know, kid's stuff. But for all you hardcore
Marquis de Sade fans, there's also a lovely variety of whips, riding crops,
cock rings, dog collars, leather masks with zipper mouths. And even if
you're not into bondage (or so you say), tamer punk poseur items like
silver spider rings, upside down cross chains and Charles Manson T-
shirts are also available. To get the mood just right, dash out and rent a
movie, like that kinky Spanish flick by Pedro Almodovar, Tie Me Up,
Tie Me Down or the more earthy Cheech and Chong and Corsican
brothers. Of course, Truth or Dare is always a hit as well. You can play
along when "Like a Virgin" comes on. So leave your inhibitions at home
and thrust over to Noir Leather at 415 S. Main in Royal Oak.

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Primitive
I have heard about the civilized,
the marriages run on talk, elegant
honest, rational. But you and I are
savages. You come in with a bag,
hold it out to me in silence.
I know Moo Shu Pork when I smell it
and understand the message: I have
pleased you greatly last night. We sit
quietly, side by side, to eat,
the long pancakes dangling and spilling,
fragrant sauce dripping out,
and glance at each other askance, wordless,
the corners of our eyes clear as spear points
laid along the sill to show
a friend sits with a friend here.
-Sharon Olds

Love poems and
Valentine's Day go
hand in hand, but not
all require drooling
and smooching. Did
ya ever consider ro-
mance a celebration
of Chinese food?
This one's from To
Woo and To Wed, a
new collection of
love poems (See the
review on page 8).
Even if 'Love is not
food nor drink,'
you've still got the
fortune cookie.

Is

d

!S ti . _

NW to
Ni~ i' Sby

LATM
OR W M

V When you sleep you burn about
70 calories per hour.
V You burn about eight calories per
kiss.
VA Burger King chicken sandwich
has 685 calories and 40 grams of fat,
while a a cheeseburger only has 317
calories and 15 grams of fat.
%*At any given time, an estimated

20 million American adults are "on
a diet" and another 20 million think
they should be.
% In 1985, restaurant meals ac-
counted for 40 perceent of money
spent on food in the U.S..
VMore than half the world's cof-
fee is consumed in the U.S.
- Margo Baumgart

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31B


wiing

and

Drinking


01


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West

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Happy Hour: 4-7, M-Th
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THANO'S
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-421 East Liberty
(1 block west of State)
665-7003
Sicilian Pizza our Specialty
Beer, Wine, and Liquor
Open 7 Days tl- 2:00 A.M.
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Fri., 11:30 am -11 pm
Sat., noon -11 pm
Sun., noon -10pm
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Italian Restaurant
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300 Detroit St. at Catherine
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Custom Sandwiches, Italian
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Dine-In, Carry-Out, or Catering
715 N. UNIVERSITY - 663-0069

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CHEF JAN
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