Page 2-The Michigan Daily -Weekend etc. -January 30, 1992 Jonathan Chait Blood In my face Recently, I've developed sensitive skin. If you were to make insulting remarks about my skin - for instance, "Hey, that's some pretty ugly skin you got there!" - it would get upset. It might even start to cry. It hasn't always been like that. As an adolescent, I had oily skin. If you had placed a lit match up against my cheek, my face would have exploded. I went to a dermatologist, and he had me take a combination of anti-oiliness chemicals powerful enough to disintegrate small insects. Every night the routine was the same. First I took apill. Then I used these special pads. When I wiped them on my face, they made asizzling sound similar to thatof waterputin a frying pan. Finally - and by then the skin on some parts of my face had been completely dissolved, exposing bone-I would use Retin-A. You might recall Retin-A as the miracle drug which could eliminate wrinkles. Technically, this is true, in the same sense that amputation eliminates ingrown toenails and suicide halts the aging process. Retin-A has the same basic effect on your skin as the Ark of the Covenant had on the Nazis' skin after they opened it in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Every night I would apply these chemicals to my face, let out a bloodcurdling scream of agony, and go to sleep. And when I woke up, my skin would have somehow regenerated and produced enough oil to heat Zimbabwe for a month, and so I would use the chemicals again. The worst part is that my dermatologist would only prescribe six weeks worth of medication at a time, and the drugstore wouldn't give refills without a new prescription. So every six weeks, I would make a new appointment, which went like this: Dermatologist: So how is the medicine working out? Me: Not bad, except my skin is still oily. Dermatologist: Here's another prescription. See you in six weeks. This system is essential to the preservation of the field of dermatology. They will never develop medicine that works, and if they did they would never give it to us, because every dermatologist would suddenly be unemployed. Thus I had no choice but to continue the cycle of medication for several years. The only apparent benefit was that my dermatologist's children could afford the college of their choice. (I don't mean attending the college of their choice. I mean buying the entire thing and naming all the buildings after themselves.) But then one day it suddenly changed. Overnight, I went from having extremely oily skin to extremely dry skin. There was no transition period; I didn't get to experience normal human skin for even a day. Now, instead of taking drugs to dry out my skin, I take drugs to moisturize my skin. Now, I live in fear of shaving. I was never a good shaver in the first place, but with my dry, sensitive skin, I now cut myself almost every day. Actually, "cut"is not the appropriate word to describe what I do to myself with a razor. Cut is what other people do. I slash myself. When people see me after I have suffered a razor wound, my face covered in Kleenex fragments, they would never guess that it had been done while shaving. "Jon, have you been shot?" they might ask. "No, it happened while I was shaving." "With a chainsaw?" This is just an example of the kind of abuse which I am forced to endure on account of my skin. Itdoesn't really bother me, but my skin is getting pretty upset. I headshoulderskneesandto Vampish shoes kick outf their heels ti ,.. The vamp is known for her sultry, but hard, seductive, evil ways. Today the vamp has become like the heel of a woman's foot. She's still sexy and curvaceous, but she'd got determination to stand on her own. Throw away the toppling Barbie doll pumps! For heavens sake, Barbie's 50 years old. Vamps have also assaulted the mule (a backless, lounging slipper, often of the fuzzy variety.) Mules reveal their heels to anyone who will ap- proach from behind. Without the solid support of the vampish spike heel, however, a mule can rarely achieve its prime. Now, the vamp's revamped and best exhibited by the shoemaker Manolo Blahnik. He's one of the first, if not the best, to expose the lifeline of the once common shoe. Many queens have cleansed their bodies through the ancient spiritual ritual of bloodletting. Now they call on Blahnik, whose shoes bleed richly, pouring forth through the life-giving mule. The shoes overflow with the finest embroideries, suedes, pearls and other delicacies, which elicit the price of $500 for the most simple pair. No need to despair. Knock-offs of the glorious Manolo begin at $35. -Carrie Walco *I I _,. .__, NEWS hoe W4 z ,y A CAT-TASTROPHE! Charges are pending against Stephen Protokowicz, Jr. who pleaded guilty to breaking and entering and cruelty to animal charges. He admitted entering the home of one of his client's estranged wife and "zapping" her cat in the microwave. Protokowicz was fined $1000 and promised to pay for counseling for the children who discovered the cat. A SLAP SUIT In Providence, R.I., two state representatives have threatened to pursue assault claims against each other. State Rep. Maria Lopes said State Rep. Ray Rickman slapped her during an argument on the House floor about her getting state jobs for relatives. Rickman insists she had threatened him with her fist. -Margo Baumgart 1 4 2 3 0-. 5 6 Elephant etc. "Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." -Groucho Marx Animal Crackers "When elephants fight, it's the grass that suffers. -African proverb, Kikuyu tribe "Captured elephants are very quick- ly tamed by barley juice." - Pliny the Elder 9L 0o 7 -' -8 . -q p. x 3OZa4cTH Pa-IJIV (6 H0DOD D iJOOD (8; Od£J (p i apuopA AonaS(£ 'IL3 (Z II tpoq1uz uaan? (Q :sJanMsuv Baby Elephant I ,_ '4 ~ '.4, pining and I Drinking Ri szerCIbUa9) W est 'Cocktails WeSL * Dining *".Carry Out " Luncheon + Specials SZECHUAN - HUNAN - MANDARIN Hours: M-Th, 11:30-10; F, 11:30-11 Sat., Noon-11 pm; Sun., Noon-10 pm Happy Hour: 4-7, M-Th 2161 W. Stadium (East of Liberty) Ann Arbor " 769-5722 K. THANO'S LAMPLIGHTER 421 East Liberty - (1 block west of Statei 665-7003 Sicilian Pizza our Specialty Beer, Wine, and Ligunr open 7 Days til 2:00 AM. A r')'"1 1 1100 E. Catherine at Glen - 761-8996 Open 6 a.m. - 4 p.m. weekdays 6 a.m. - 3 p.m. Sat., 7 a.m. - 2 p.m. Sun. Serving breakfast and lunch all day. 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UNIVERSITY - 663-0069 Chiese CHEF JAN is the TOP GOLD MEDAL WINNER of Detroit Cobo Hail National Contest CHEF JAN is the "Best Chef Award" winner, Washington, DC 1201 S. University * 668-2445 PARTHENON FINE GREEK FOOD NGYROS SHISH KABA5 SANDWICHES -CARRYOUT SERVICES- CHICKEN PSTEAKS.- PASTA LAMB CHOPS." LAMB SHISH KABABS MOUSAKA - PASTITSlO. DOLMADES - SPINACH PIE GREEK SALADS & PASTRIES *"COMBINATION PLATES FULL COCKTAIL MENIU 226 S. MAIN at "oSa Liberty . Ann Arbor CALL 994-1012 Shehan-Shah Veetarian and Indian Cuisine Great Chinese food DELIVERED fast & fresh!I 625 S. Main N. Campus Plaza Next to S:Main Market 1753 Plymouth 741-9500 741-1600 FREE DELIVERY TM owned by The Provender Corporation lia 'a ~J I