*I

Page 2-The Michigan Daily-Weekend etc.-January 23,1992

Jonathan
Chait
I'm not turning pro...
My intramural basketball team played its first game last weekend. We
weren't sure how good we would be, so we entered the C Division, the lowest
division, hoping to maybe win a game or two. This decision was based on my
experience playing intramural football last year.
Last year our bonehead manager accidentally enrolled our football team in
the A division. Now, many of us had considerable football experience. I myself
played high school football, but my potential was never realized due to the fact
that I was constantly being wedgied by the olderplayers whenever I entered the
weight room. I tried to get stronger so I could defend myself, but this entailed
going into the weightroom, which I couldn't dobecause I would get wedgied.
It was a vicious cycle.
Worst of all, they had this tradition - whenever they wedgied somebody,
they would throw the remains of the underpants up onto the rafters, like a trophy
collection. Needless to say, it was extremely demoralizing to see my under-
pants hanging from the rafters every day, especially since my underpants all had
nametags on the waistline. (My mom could never understand why I was always
asking her to buy me more underwear.)
One time I tried to outsmart them by not wearing any underwear under my
shorts. I won't describe exactly what happened, but suffice it to say that it was
far, far worse than being wedgied.
But that was several years ago, and by the time I got to college, I thought I
might have some success in the non-wedgie atmosphere of intramural football.
Then we played our first game.
You cannot just show up with a bunch of guys and play football in the A
Division. The A Division consists of full-time intramural football players,
players who practice year round, have training camp in August, playbooks,
uniforms and fans. These people do not attend class; if you asked one of them
what he does, he'd tell you that he is an intramural football player.
We failed to even make afirst down all season long.
So, come basketball season, my team decided to enroll in the C Division.
In the C Division, the mark of a good team is that the referees do not burst out
laughing during the game. As it turns out, we do not really need to be in the C
Division in order to win. We need to be in the Elderly Crippled Midget Nun
Division.
I think our1biggestproblem is our defensive scheme. Every other basketball
team in history has run either a man-for-man defense or a zone defense. We
have pioneered anew technique: the insanity defense. Our strategy is that when
the other team brings the ball up the floor, we point at the player with the
basketball and shout, "Who has him?" Then we look at each other in confusion
and some or all of us run over to guard him. By'this time, he has passed the ball
to somebody else, who we then rush over to cover.
The major weakness in this scheme is that we are extremely vulnerable
when one of the opposing players passes the ball to another, because we end up
scrambling around the court en masse, like a confused lynch mob playing
"monkey in the middle."
Besides defense, we are also weak in the areas of shooting, dribbling,
rebounding, and having five players on the court at all times. Also, none of us
own a basketball, so we can only warm up before the game if our opponents
decide to let us borrow one of theirs.
I'm hoping that some good does come out of this. Maybe next year they'll
create a D Division, in which we'll be the only team.

headshoulderskneesandtoe~s 9r
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1
Chignons, Drag Queens and Eyebrows
Entrance into the best New York clubs may be blocked by the ruling
courtesans outside. Trifling can be eliminated by a grand impression upon
the exposed ego of the drag queen, who will greet you, be you brave enough.
Wearing all black as a ticket for entrance is an old myth in the '90s.
Today a woman can eliminate waiting by wearing her chignon high with
a bold set of well-defined eyebrows. A clean cut hairstyle and the soft but
rough look of George Michael stubble can get a man where he wants to go.
Only if it looks good! Both sexes can increase their chances by going as a
couple. Hell, grab someone divine from the crowd, it's a great pick-up line.
Some go to the extent of a painted clown face, but this is an artful
expression of their soul, not a naive tactic to con their way through. Do not
wear what someone tells you to if it is not part of your unique aura.
Oh, come now, let's not be naive! This is the chance to wear what you've
never dared before. Reach deep inside, find your plumage and "work it!"
Your wishes will be granted.
-Carrie Walco

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A CLOSE CALL! CNN Head-
line News was almost fooled by a
caller posing as President Bush's
doctor. Anchor Don Harrison was
beginning to read a report announc-
ing President Bush's death on the air
when he was stopped at the last sec-
ond by another staffer.

A POLICE RAP! - A man broke
into a police car in Oceanside, Cali-
fornia and used the radio to serenade
officers with a risque rap song. The
police log said the rap was about
"all the things he liked to do...most
of them obscene and punctuated
with profanity."
-Margo Baumgart

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Don't drop acid... Take it
pass/fail.
There is no gravity: the world
sucks.

Lr 6"
Imagine Freud without a penis.
Life is a waste of time.
Time is a waste of life.
So get wasted, and have
the time of your life.

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