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Don 't Color Me Yellow
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There are bees in my bathroom.
When I moved into Bursley three
years ago, nobody told me there
would be bees in my bathroom. As a
matter of fact, there are a lot of things
I didn't know about the Bursley
bathrooms. For
instance, my hall has
two showers. Two
showers for 20 males.
We had a third shower,
but donated itso we
could have a urinal. I
remember this every
time I am waiting for a
shower at 7:46 to make
my 8:30 class. I think
to myself, "Sure, I'llS
showup late and miss SC O
the formula that we'll CHUN
never see again until it
shows up on the final,
but I get to pee against a wall!"
They also didn't tell me about the
shower heights. It seems that the
wing I lived in used to be an all-
female wing, back in the days when
women had those two-foot beehive
hairdos and couldn't get their hair
wet Despite the facts that those
styles ended a generation ago and the
wing is now co-ed, we still have these
nozzles that would not get Chris
Webber's knees wet. And despite the
fact that it took only a year to build
Schembechler -lall, the maintenance
staff seems to replace these showers
at the rate of one every Democratic
presidential victory. As a result, the
only way to wash our hair is to contort
our bodies into positions I've only
seen on the McDonald's All-
American Gymnastics Tournament
and in Pentouse pictorials - then try
to grab the shampoo.
But even this didn't prepare me
for bees in the bathroom. Bees are
bad enough when you are outside
and were stupid enough to wear
yellow. But at least you can attempt a
run for it Of course they will follow
you to the ends of the earth, as
though the queen doesn't care what
the worker bee comes back with so
long as it's yellow. I suppose yellow is
to bees what large breasts are to many
men.
Bees in the bathroom are much
worse. You can't run from them.
They know they have you trapped.
You just have to pray that they really
are as afraid of us as we are of them.
Ofcourse, having bees around is
not all bad. The other day, one of the
bees crawled into the room of the girl
next door. I don't know why it was
only crawling; perhaps it tried the
Steak Kow that evening. Anyway, I
was asked toklllit.Now,I would
have preferred if it were a spider or
even a cockroach, but a bee was
much more complicated. I had to look
macho, yet I had to get it right the
first time. If not it would have come
after me with kamikaze-like fuy.
So Idropped abook on it A rally
U
big book. It had an appendix and
answers to the odd-numbered
exercises in back. It was the most
expensive bee swatter I ever bought
from Ulrich's. I slowly picked up the
book, but it was stllmoving. Suddenly
I had flashbacks from
Chid'sPlay, knowing
this was the bee that
wouldn't die, and
would still be after me
in sequel after sequel.
So I threw the book
down again, and
stomped on it several
times, until I was sure
that I had made a
complete ass of myself.
ITT After going through this
ACK three more times, it
finally stopped moving.
Now I only had to
dispose of the bee properly, which
involved calculating how many sheets
of Kleenex a dead bee could still sting
through, and then use twice that
many tissues to transport him to the
toilet. Last I heard, he was struck by
radioactive waste from the new North
Campus Really, Really Low-Level
Nuclear (pronounced NU-cu-lar, just
to piss off those anal retentive
linguists) Waste Dump, and will
become a member of the Teenage
Mutant Ninja Bees (all named after
Supreme CourtJustices) coming to
CBS this fall.
Really, this is what we have
deputized police for. After all, it
seems that there is a strong
commitment at this university to
keeping the students safe. Other than
using new Mace LiteTM with half the
sting of your regular Mace, this seems
to mean only letting students into the
union during those dangerous hours.
(Personally, if someone was to shove a
semi-automatic into my gut, I'd rather
it be some bum who wants my
money and my Entree Plus card than
the guy in my EECS 476 class who
thinks smart-alecks like me are the
reason he's getting a C-. Or even
worse, my roommate, who still
believes the myth that if your
roommate dies you get a 4.0.)
But if the university and the
campus police are really concerned
about my safety, they should station
an officer in our bathroom. I have
never felt more vulnerable and unsafe
than when taking a shower with soap
in my eyes and hearing the sinister
buzzing above me. I can sometimes
actually hear theJaw theme in the
background. We should put an officer
on duty with a Magnum.45 in one
hand and some Maximum Strength
Raid in the other. And everybody will
be happy. There will be fewer bees in
the bathroom, and the police could
shoot first without having to hear it
from the Daily opinion page the next
week. What? Raid destroys the ozone
layer?
Never min.
for the convention were loeted
from my car, I would not have
had any other way to prove that I
was "the" Andrew Cahn when I
went to beg for replacement
paraphenalia.
The Spin doctor
The first of two panels I got to
see was one called "Ethics in
Journalism," starring Bob
Guccione, Jr., publisher and
editor of SPIN. He spoke for a
while about how his staff has
always stuck by its stories no
matter how controversial, from
the piece about Live Aid money
not being used properly to the one
about the dangers of Wellcome-
Burroughs' AIDS drug, AZT.
The Guch sounded a bit didactic
at times, but who could argue?
Spin has definitely had a few
big scoops. As far as music
coverage goes, on the other hand,
the audience gave him a more
mixed reception. While Guccione
was assailingVaniy Fair and
Rolling Stone for their fluff pieces
about the stars, some argued that
Spin may be doing the same for
the little guy too much. One
example was this past summer's
Lenny Kravitz interview.
Guccione acknowledged that he is
trying to promote the underdogs,
but pointed out that he is running
a business at the same time.
"Nick Cave is not going on any
more covers," he said.
le also discussed why
"exclusives" go against the basic
principles of journalism, and as
an example he described a
situation involving Vanity Fair's
exclusive deal with rapper Slick
Rick, who had a problem in that
he frequently tried to kill people.
After Guccione was able to get
Rick to talk to SPIN as well, he
said, "(An unnamed Vanity Fair
editor) bitched and moaned at me,
'Hey, we had a contract with
him.' I said, 'It doesn't bind me.
This is news.' He said, 'Don't you
have exclusives?' I said, 'No, it
goes against every principle of
journalism.' He said, 'Maybe you
should, then your magazine
would be better.' I said, 'My
magazine is up 57 percent this
year, and yours?' That shut him
up."
The following week, however,
The Village Voice identified the
Vanity Fair editor as Michael
Caruso, who told them,
"(Guccione) never mentioned
principles and he never said that
line about being up 57 percent...
Having (him) talk about ethics in
journalism is like having Al
D'Amato (New York's
Republican senator) talk about
ethics in politics." Then again, at
a time when both the magazine
and music industries are taking
nosedives, a music magazine that
can increase both circulation and
ad revenue without putting
Vanilla Ice on the cover must be
doing something right.
Whiat's wrong
with college radio?
The New Music Seminar
Directory described the panel
entitled "Is the Music Industry
killing college radio?" by saying,
"A panel of self-righteous music
directors, and way too defensive
label reps will grandstand like
crazy and try to sidestep the most
serious questions." That is
exactly what happened, and
because of their attitudes, it
seemed more like college radio is
killing itself.
One panel member, David
Greene of MIT's WMBR, said, "I
guess someone high up at the
school decided they didn't want
anyone to listen to the station
anymore because they now
require greater student
participation in programming."
When I asked them if they cared
what students wanted to hear,
Gerard Cosloy from WFMU and
Matador Records said, "College
students drink a lot of beer."
People were yelling back and
forth about why some college
stations don't play rap, or why
they do play Jesus Jones and
EMF. One kid from Ithaca made
the quote-of-the-week when he
stood up and said that on his
station, "We have a policy of not
playing any music - whether
it's NWA or the Dead Milkmen's
'Bitchin' Camaro' - that's
offensive to any group." All this
while wearing a "Censorship is
Un-American" tee shirt!
Basically, the college radio
world is stuck between the
competing pressures of what
people want to hear, how the
schools wish to manage the
stations, the amount of
contributions coming from the
communities, and what the DJ's
want to play.
The nightlife
This is the most exciting
aspect of the seminar. The magic
badge entitles you to free
admission to performances by
almost 250 bands at some of the
city's best clubs. Thanks to the
magic of package shows, one
could see five decent acts without
moving around more than you
want to. One of the shows I
attended featured Blues Traveler
as the main attraction, but the
companion acts, D'Tripp, Dreyr
Brothers and Scratch Baxter, are
among the coolest bands playing
around the city. There were
theme shows, including the Black
Rock Coalition bands, the artists
of New Jersey-based label Bar
None, young rappers, and a
Michael Stipe-hosted show
featuring southern bands. Not
only new artists performed, but
so did such veterans as the
Buzzcocks, De La Soul,
Fishbone and Pere Ubu. (For the
"go-figure file": in the midst of all
the summer's failed tours,
Morrissey and Phranc sold out
Madison Square Garden.)
One night, after catching funk
act Pop's Cool Love, a friend who
came along asked as we were
leaving at 12:30 on a Sunday
night, "Don't these people get
graild Op lluJ
.tired? What do they dofor a
living?"
"You're looking at it," I said.
While we had to get up the next
morning for work, they had to
party all night.
Doesn't life stink?
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October 18, 1991
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