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In a tragic accident, the Congo's Olympic basketball
team was marooned on a coral reef in the South Pacific
used for nuclear testing during World War Two. The team
was then unfortunately eaten by a two-headed gnat the
size of the Sears Tower.
In the spirit of competition, a tribe of Pygmies
volunteered to take over as Congo's Olympic basketball
team. Congo went on to win the Silver
medal through forfeit despite losing on the --
court by an average margin of 1286-7. The
Congo's seven points occurred on maniacal
fast breaks in which the Pygmies mounted
boars and would throw pottery filled with
their fingemail clippings. The forfeits
occurred in the fourth period of each contest
when the Pygmies would start a rain dance
and the opposition would be struck in the"
head by lightning, severely decreasing their_
ability to execute the motion offense, not to
mention dribbling, passing, rebounding,
urinating, and communicating with other L11
members of their species verbally.
The gold medal game was played against
the Russians. The Soviets were not affected by the 60,000
volts of electricity from the lightning bolts due to surgically-
implanted steel plates in the head of each player.
The new Time-Life book series is called "People Who
Have Been Seriously Injured During Do-It-Yourself Home
Repairs By Mysterious Forces of the Supematural,
Supposedly Spawned by the Old West and Resurrected in
World War Two."
An amalgamation of all previous Time-Life books,
there are interesting stories, such as a dog-bite victim who
caused his Doberman brain damage by fixing the remote to
his TV, pointing it at his dog's head, and constantly
pressing the channel for "Hogan's Heroes" while country
music was playing. Or, the story of a woman who belched
while emptying her dishwasher at exactly the same instant
her identical twin sister was killed by a buffalo stampede in
Then there's the story of how a man in Australia had
nothing to do with an incident in Alaska on D-Day but was
wearing a cowboy hat, a wrench, and nothing else. And the
fact that General Rommel was really a cowgirl who was
aided by a mystical set of screwdrivers from ancient
Jane Fonda, stripped naked and covered in
mayonnaise, was arrested in the Arb, skipping while
chanting, "Stop war, stop hate, stop taking tags off
mattresses." Ms. Fonda said she was trying to prove that
she and Tom Hayden are, in fact, the same person.
Ted Tumer was available for comment No one cared.
9 0 060 0
Mr. Monroe defeated all of his opponents
in a similar manner, forcing the World
Toughman Championship No Rules
Committee to announce handguns were
completely legal under their lack of bylaws.
The reason: to prevent any false
advertisement suits due to the "Anything
Goes" promotional campaign.
Mr. Monroe was quoted as stating,
"Yippee for me."
Mr. Arduini was unavailable for
In Texas, Pat Robertson developed a new sex
education plan for elementary schools. Thethrustofthe
plan was to educate children that sex is bad, will give them
cancer, and damn them to eternal hell. Mr. Robertson says
this method is quite effective, citing that he has no
Ted Tumer was again available for comment, but the
media were busy covering news of fantastic breakthroughs
in the field of lawncare.
A surprise out of the World Toughman Championships
held in Las Vegas. A relative unknown, 98-pounder Lyle
"Helen" Monroe defeated 385-pounder Joseph "Gorilla
Eater" Arduini in the championship match. Mr. Monroe
defeated Mr. Arduini by shooting him in the
head twelve times with a.357 magnum right
after the bell sounded in the championship
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Ann Arbor " 769-5722
1100 E. Catherine at Glen - 761-8996
Open 6 a.m. - 4 p.m. weekdays
6 a.m. - 3 p.m. Sat., 7 a.m. - 2 p.m. Sun.
Serving breakfast and lunch all day.
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Favorites for over 30 years.
for dining exoelleneo by Moly Abraham
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Delivery, take-out, dine-in,
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Hrs: Mon.-Thur., 11:30 am -10 pm
Fri., 11:30 am -11 pm
Sat., :noon -11 pm
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Homemade Pastas & Pizza
665-0444* Take Out
300 Detroit St. at Catherine
(across from Farmer's Market)
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707 Packard Rd. (Near State St.)
Custom Sandwiches, Italian
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226 S. MAIN at non-sat 1an-1Opm
Uberty - Ann Arbor cALL 994-1012
The N. R.A. plans to sponsor next year's toughman
Keith Richards was mistakenly buried alive during his
funeral on Tuesday. Apparently Mr. Richards had not
moved for three months, not even to get beer or cigarettes.
Coroners pronounced him dead at the scene when they
observed he wasn't changing the channel on the television.
This was unusual for Mr. Richards, as it was stuck on the
Mr. Richards, 75, was found by his wife of ten minutes,
model Ellen "Darth" Vader, 11. Mr. Richards has been
recently upset with accusations that he is one of the living
dead. Mr. Richards was preparing to cite elements of his
non-cannibalistic lifestyle as proof against reports made in
People magazine last month.
An examination of photographs taken at the scene by
his twelve former wives helped the authorities determine
that Mr. Richards was indeed alive at the time of his
alleged death. The twelve were forced to miss a day of high
school for the funeral. It seems that the supposed corpse,
clad only in purple sequined jockey shorts, had an erection
at the time of discovery. All of the ex-Mrs. Richards agreed
that Mr. Richards was not dead since his [CENSORE D]is
his most vital organ. Police claimed that initially the
erection was thought to be early signs of rigor mortis.
After Mr. Richards was exhumed, he stated that he had
decided to devote his life to performance art, and at the
time of his supposed death was pretending to be a plate of
cold cuts at a bridge party.
Mr. Richards later divorced his wife of four months and
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Dinner Buffets Mon.-Thurs., 5-9 pm
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F R I D A Y
Blood of Jesus I Dirty Gertie from Hollywood
The Program in Film and Video studies presents
the second part of its series of "Race films with
two all-Black cast films. Admission free.
(Spencer Williams, 1941 and 1946)
Aud A 7:00
23rd Tournee of Animation
Yet another new compilation of innovative animated
shorts. And the 23rd looks like it may be the best
since the 17th.
(Various directors, 1991)
Mich Th. 7-00
* . 9 9 . .
Paris is Burning
Fascinating documentay about a New York
subculture of drag queens.
(Jennie Livingston, 1990)
Mich Th. 9:30 & 11:20
Gate of Hell
A series of Japanese period films begins with this
love story set in the 12th century. Famous for its
color cinematography, the film won the grand prize
at Cannes. Admission free.
(Teinosuke Kingusa, 1953)
Action-packed Black karate film about a
government agent fighng drug lords.
(Jack Starrett, 1973)
MLB 4 7:30
Exciting, controversial'blaxploitation" action film
accused of glorifying drug dealers. Music by
(Gordon Parks Jr., 1972)
MLB 4 9:15
Western hero Joel McCrea meets Hitchcock in this
entertaining spy thriller.
(Alfred Hitchcock, 1940)
* . 9 9 ' 9
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