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January 19, 1990 - Image 20

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Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1990-01-19
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by Alex Gordon... Daily News Editor, Weekend Writer, and Campus Personality

It's easy to review a year,
people do it all the time. A
decade is a little bit more
difficult, but how do you
encapsulate a millennium?
My first thought was to write a
little song a la Billy Joel's "We
Didn't Start the Fire"
("Feudalism, Capitalism,
Socialism, Communism, Edict of
Nance, Cyrus Vance, Issac
Newton, Fig Newton...") but I
got frustrated trying to come up
with a rhyme for William of
Orange.
/
Sp, p(t

I've attempted here to offer a
retrospective of the events,
people, and places that have
defined the last 1000 years. Of
course no list is complete. I regret
having no place for Einstein,
Galileo, Gunther Toody, the
Cavity Creeps, Lenin, the rise of'
the merchant class, the Boxer
Rebellion, the Berlin Wall, or
Beer Nuts.
I know, the millennium won't
officially be over for another 10
years, but if anything noteworthy
happens in the next decade I'll be
sure to write an appendix.
Top Five songs of the
millennium
1. Brown Eyed Girl --Van
Morrison
2. Happy Birthday - the kids at
my 11th birthday party at the
bowling alley
3. Spring from the Four Seasons
- Vivaldi
4. The Brady Bunch theme song
- anyone who knows the words
5. The Victors -106,000
screaming fans any Saturday in
the fall

Pope of the millennium
Innocent IV (1352-1362) One hell
of a goddam pope if you ask me!
Drink of the millennium
Mead. After a long day at work
there's nothing better than a big
frothy mug of fermented honey
and water.

Millennium Buzzwords
How are you?
Excuse me
Is this seat taken
yum!
ouch!
gesundheit
thank you
no thank you
thank you sir, may I have another
we are weary travelers who have
lost our way
make it a double
hey you!
I forgot
go away
nice haircut
No, your peanut butter is in my
chocolate
Best natural disaster of the
millennium
Short-sighted people will point to
1989's Hurricane Hugo or the San
Francisco earthquake as the
winner here, but the best by far
has yet to occur. According to the
writings of Nostradamus, in 1996
Gary, Indiana will suddenly for no
reason spontaneously combust.

Top Empires of the
millennium
Ottoman, Napoleonic, Carrington
Discovery of the
millennium
A large fries fits conveniently into
the styrofoam top of the lid of a
Big Mac container. Heck,
anybody could have figured out
that man descended from the
apes or that the earth isn't the
center of the universe.
Art work of the millennium
The Cube. It's simple yet
complex. Strong yet
approachable. Big yet small. Go
ahead - just try to spin the Mona
Lisa around; heck, they won't
even let you ride your skateboard
near it.

Plague of the millenniun
The Black Plague
Plays of the millennium
1. Peregrini - a 12th century
classic based on the story of th
walk of Emmaus.
2. Othello - the play that
spawned the game centuries h
3. West Side Story - If you d
cry when Tony is shot you
probably like Pottersville bett
than Bedford Falls.
4. Oh Calcutta! - They're all
naked, what a concept!
5. I can't pay the rent. But you
must pay the rent. I can't pay,
rent. But you must pay the rer
I'll pay the rent. My hero. Cur
foiled again.

n
ie
ater.
on't
er
the

Invention of the millennium
the catapult, the cotton gin, the
car, the light bulb, moveable type,
all these pale by comparison to
velcro with its multi-functional
uses. It's so versatile! Watch out
for revolutionary Didi-7 to take
the crown, however, with a strong
showing in the '90s.
Top Trials of the
millennium
Salem Witch Trials, Sacco-
Vanzetti, Marbury v. Madison,
Joan of Arc's trial, the Preppy
Murder trial, Zsa-Zsa Gabor's
trial, Less Filling vs. Tastes

Books of the millennium
1. Green Eggs and Ham
2. The Bible - an oldie but still a
good read; making the list for the
second millennium in a row.
Nautical disasters of the
millennium
1. the defeat of the Spanish
Armada
2. the Minnow
3. the Edmund Fitzgerald
4. the Titanic
5. the Lusitania
Fashion of the millennium
the Urban Cowboy look

Worthless activities of the
Millennium
Farming your land so that all the
profits go to your lord
Defending the medicinal value of
bleeding a patient
Hoarding Confederate money
Watching cable TV late at night
Communications 103 lecture
Rumors of the millennium
The Earth is round

Top
mo'
the
1. Po
2. Po
3. V
4.P
5. P
6. P
7.WP
8. P

nt. Great. The kid who played Mikey on
rses Mixed Drink of the the Life Cereal commercials met
Extinct bird of the millennium an untimely demise when he
millennium The Fuzzy Navel simultaneously ingested Pop-
The do-do and the carrier pigeon Rocks and Coca-Cola
(tie) Punchlines of the
millennium
That was no lady, that was my
wife!
To get to the other side.
Busdriver!
Cuckold, you're the cuckold

overturned.
And that
actor was
president.
1.get
caught up in
this mire of confusion - which
brand of soda doesn't give money
to Republicans, destroy unions in
South America, or exploit migrant
. farm workers? .Should I still wear
prisoner whose name it bears has
9 1 .. my Soviet refusnk-bracelet if the
been released? Which kind of
plastic is it that's recyclable?
For those of you who, like me,
find yourselves overwhelmed by
It's been a rough ten years for the burden of an active social
good liberals - the United States conscience, we present: a review
invaded Grenada, Oliver North of the eighties for the politically
got off easy, Roe v. Wade was correct.
We ushered in the decade with

a boycott of the Moscow
Olympics. Numerous boycotts
were to follow: Nestle products,
California grapes, Domino's Pizza,
Eastern airlines, brands of
cosmetics that experiment on
animals, aerosol hairspray,
styrofoam, Mexican and
Californian marijuana, and of
course McDonald's.
Yellow ribbons graced our trees
in 1980 to remember the
hostages; red ribbons graced our
car antennas last year to remind
-people not to drink and drive.
We shopped at the food co-op
to avoid pesticides and support
the farm workers. Our trash is
sorted between recyclable and
non-recyclable trash cans. Mouths
full of tofu, we snarl at people
who leave their furs at the coat

by Ilan a
Trachtman
check before they sit down to a
main course of filet mignon.
The eighties have been the
decade of non-offensive terming.
'Girls" are now "women" or
should I say, "wymyn." We call.
people of Oriental descent
"Asian."
The Daily even attempted a
campaign to stop correlating
gender and religion with just
plain bitchiness. It was suggested.
that instead of using the term
Jewish American Princess, we
should try WOMBAT (Whiny
Obnoxious Materialistic Bitchy
Anal Tart).
Here on campus, the early part

of the decade saw protests of
nuclear arms, intervention in El
Salvador, and passing up people
at football games. (We even had a
group called SPUN: Stop Passing
Up Now.)
Locals drove a garbage truck
down to Central America as a gift
to Ann Arbor's sister city,
Juigalpa, in 1987. There were
attempts at rent and gun control
laws in Ann Arbor.
Nationally, those of us who
prided ourselves on being
politcally correct sold our stocks
in companies that invested in
South Africa. We smiled at Jim
Bakker's nervous breakdown, and
cried when Dan Quayle became
vice president. But it evens out;
look at Leona, Zsa Zsa, and
Imelda.

We read our Doonesbury and
Bloom County religously, wore
our crystals, gave money to Save
the Seals, gave it again to Save
the Whales, paid attention when
Sally Struthers asked us to
"adopt" a child in an
underpriveleged country,
marched for reproductive rights
and prayed for Mario Cuomo to
run for president.
And what will the nineties
bring? For whom and what will
the politically correct be lobbying,
not eating, marching, and voting?
Probably a lot of the same issues.
Equality among race, gender,
sexual orientation, and religion
will remain popular. New dangers
to the environment will be
exposed, and more products will
join the ranks of the politically.

incorrect. By the end of the
decade, there won't be any pop or
soda brands that the PC will be
able to drink.
Sometimes I wonder what it's
all gotten us. Are we any better
off for having marched, denied
our bodies the protiens in meat,
and walked around with flat hair?
I honestly don't know. But my
idealistic side, the side that thinks
that there are some quality shows
still on television, that doesn't
hear the oxymoron in the phrase
"truth in advertising," keeps me-
writing letters to my
congressperson. (note: this is also
the side that gives money to
winos, secure in the knowledge
thatmy dollar will be used to start
saving up for their kids' college
education.)

You know, maybe some good
has come of all the protests, the
boycotts, the ten years of holier-
than-thou. We got a holiday for
Martin Luther King's birthday.
The university almost completely
divested from South Africa.
Mandatory recycling may soon
pass in Ann Arbor. Tom Monahan
is trying to unload Domino's. The
seat belt law was passed. Anatoli
Sharansky was released.
And we can't forget the little
things. Admit it. Just when you
thought all faith was lost, that all
your young screams at the
television set were in vain, it
happened. Snuffleupagus was
officially recognized as a real
animal this decade; no longer just
a figment of Big Bird's
imagination. There's hope.

8 WEEKEND

January 19, 1990

I

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