Fun, fun, fun with Mikh and
President George Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Dear President Bush:
I recently read that you and
Mikhail Gorbachev are planning to
have a summit meeting early in De-
cember, aboard warships in the
I'm writing in hope that you will
avoid making the biggest mistake of
your presidency- not counting the
time last summer you allowed your-
slf to be filmed swimming at Ken-
nebunkport in a swimsuit slightly
too big, inadvertently treating the
world to a view of a national politi-
cian that most people don't get
without becoming a congressional
The problem with these summits
is that nothing ever really happens.
The U.S. and Soviet leaders stand
around and get photographed a lot,
wearing the World Leader Paparazzi
Smile - the smile, similar to that
of Mayor McCheese, that world
leaders are so adept at making that
they will maintain it, as long as
there's a photographer within 50
miles, even if you dip their hands in
a bowl of moist, warm octopus parts
- then issue cryptic statements like
"We feel that significant progress
has been made in the areas on which
we have had differences, and we be-
lieve we have made a great step to-
ward reducing our differences in the
area in which we have made
progress," which roughly translates
into "Messrs. Bush and Gorbachev
were too busy being photographed to
actually talk to each other."
The problem, I think, is that
summits just aren't that fun. Manag-
ing the affairs of nations which have
enough nuclear firepower to destroy
Jose Canseco's automobile collec-
tion several times over is no church
picnic, so when you're whisked off
to a tourist paradise like Reykjavik,
Iceland and forced to spend long
evenings eating tasteless veal medal-
lions, you're probably too damn
cranky to accomplish anything.
What you and Mr. Gorbachev
need isn't a dull weekend aboard the
U.S.S. Nimitz; you need to unwind,
have a good old-fashioned debauch.
So I'm inviting you to hold your
summit at my house. I've enclosed a
copy of our itinerary:
4 p.m.: Air Force One lands at
Metro Airport in Detroit. I pull up
to the runway to drive you and Gor-
bachev to Ann Arbor, with a con-
cealed blank pistol in my coat. Stage
fake double assassination, after
which we moon the flabbergasted in-
ternational press corps.
4:10-4:30 p.m.: Deliver im-
promptu speech to air traffic con-
trollers, muttering "mass firings"
under your breath every few sen-
tences to unnerve them.
4:30-4:45 p.m.: Hastily down
several bourbons in airport lounge;
afterward, challenge Gorbachev to a
race up the "down" escalator in the
international terminal, betting him a
warm-water naval port against a case
of Beluga caviar.
4:45-5:30 p.m.: Drive to Ann
Arbor. Worry aides by taping "Shoot
Me" signs to the sides of vehicles in
the Presidential motorcade.
5:30 p.m.: Arrive at my house.
Spray LASC members staging
protest on the sidewalk outside with
5:45 p.m.: Call White House
switchboard and have operators order
pizzas in Mike Dukakis' name from
every pizzeria in Boston.
6-6:30 p.m.: Treat Gorbachev to
dinner at White Castle. Sign legisla-
tion in front of stupefied workers
raising minimum wage to
$6.50/hour, then "accidentally" spill
ketchup on it and toss it in the trash.
Laugh uproariously. Force secret
service agent to stand still as you,
Gorbachev, and I blow straw wrap-
pers at his face.
6:45-7:45p.m.: Hang out in liv-
ing room with Gorbachev and aides
and play "Drink or Dare," an elabo-
rate drinking game in which you
watch CNN Headline News and,
when the anchor mentions a domes-
tic or foreign crisis, you have to ei-
ther take a decisive stance on the is-
sue or shotgun a beer. Get stinking
9-11:45 p.m.: Make the rounds
of fraternity parties. Amuse yourself
by offering obsequious poli. sci. ma-
jors State Department internships if
they strip naked and do a chicken
Midnight-2 a.m.: Attend Rocky
Horror Picture Show at Briarwood.
Have bodyguards pounce on and
pummel members of the audience
who throw rice during the wedding
2 a.m.-10 a.m.: Return to my
place. Watch videotape of 1972
Olympic basketball finals, to the
embarrassment of the Soviet delega-
tion, until everyone passes out.
10:30 a.m.: Have secret service
agents turn on all hot-water taps in
the house while Eduard Shevardnadze
takes his shower.
11-11:30 a.m.: Pin The Tail On
James Baker tournament.
Noon-2 p.m.: Visit, U-M cam-
pus. During VIP luncheon, coax
James Duderstadt into doing his
Bette Midler imitation. Offer next
Supreme Court opening to winner of
Law School Faculty wet T-shirt con-
test. Gorbachev and aides trade filthy
Uzbek jokes with heads of U-M
2-2:15 p.m.: Mmm, mmm! Fruit
2:15-3 p.m. Visit Domino's
Farms to sacrifice live babies with
3-5 p.m.: Conference with Gor-
bachev. Conclude cultural exchange
pact, in which the U.S. agrees to
have John Hughes direct a series of
movies about angst-ridden Soviet
teenagers who hate their parents and
listen to hip new-wave bands, in ex-
change for which KGB agents will
kill Yakov Smirnoff.
5-6 p.m.: During tour of Ann
Arbor, freak out Mayor Jerry Jerni-
gan by insisting that you are actu-
ally five years old and visiting Dis-
neyworld, calling him "Uncle Max,"
and crying because he won't buy you
a Sno-Kone. Have FBI agents
threaten to manufacture doctored
videotapes showing him in com-
promising positions with famous
cartoon characters if he ever, ever
mentions this to anyone.
6 p.m.: Closing ceremonies at
See Poniewozik, Page 13
A Cliff Notes' guide to
Growing up in the Si)
Catching up in te
Seventy-five Years ago... November 10, 1914
"Plate glass windows were smashed and some quantity of goods taken by
a riotous crowd partly composed of students, which stormed the store of
"Joe" Reinger, on State street, about 11... last evening. The action came as
a result of exposures showing that Reinger had plotted to bribe members of
the football team, in order to benefit himself financially by wagers.
"Plans which are supposed to have been aimed at bribing two members
of the Michigan football team, to "throw" the Cornell game, were an-
nounced at the athletic office last night."
Sixty Years ago... November 10, 1929
"Two place kicks after touchdown from the reliable toe of Joe Gembis
gave a fighting Michigan team victory over an equally determined Harvard
eleven, 14-12... A crowd of 88,000 spectators watched the rejuvenated
Wolverines conquer the Crimson for the first time in football history..."
Twenty-two Years ago... November 10, 1967
"Student Government Council last night by a 7-5 vote abolished all Stu-
dent Vehicle Regulations except those pertaining to bicycles. SGC... Vice
~President Mike Davis... said, "This means that any student - regardless of
class year - may keep and drive an automobile in the Ann Arbor area with-
out fear of punishment."
Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of the Daily on
this date in history. All articles are taken from Daily files which are open
to public perusal in the Daily's library.
Ode to Dave:
There once was a boy named Dave
Who many a woman he did crave
He cared for them not
And now he will rot
From the depths of his sorry-assed
Bo is God
If Bo is God, then Bo lost to Notre
Dame. Any irony there?
The appetite of war is the entire
Ever feel as if life is completely
meaningless, like you are no more
than a pebble on the beach?
Only while waiting in line at CRISP
or at the computing center.
- Grad library
#6. 1WErtY ONE,
-D 't A
This column is not a substitute
for the dining experience itself. Stu-
dents who attempt to use the column
in this way are denying themselves
the very education that they are
presumedly giving their most vital
years to achieve.
A Late Night
Debbi - Our irreverent waitress
Zog - A patron. A business
school senior who has a digestive
system made of steel and an adamant
fan of TV's The Golden Girls.
Sarge - Another patron. An
LSA senior and local haberdasher
with impeccable grooming habits.
Alex - A patron and the narrator
of the column. Alex has never eaten
The three patrons arrive at Sil-
verman's, a new deli open 24-hours
a day, on Carpenter Road. The pa-
trons are very hungry. Sitting down
in a booth, their waitress hands them
the infamous bill of fare, with "more
than 500 menu items." The patrons
are momentarily dismayed by the
staggering amount of choices, but
through tenacious work they finally
decide what to order.
Once they order, the patrons get
down to the important business of
completing the many puzzles and
games on the place mats. While Zog
and Sarge play a game of dots, Alex
folds the menu into a ill-fitting hat.
The food arrives and the patrons eat
rapidly. Their waitress asks if every-
thing is okay. The waitress then
spills an entire glass of water on a
patron at another table. The patrons
muse at the irony of this situation.
They pay their unusually high bill
and leave, satiated.
Chapter One: Silverman's on
Carpenter is the newest outlet of a
local Michigan chain. The restaurant
prides itself on the great variety of
its menu and the lengths it goes to
satisfy its customers.
Staying open 24-hours a day is
an automatic boon for any restau-
rant, because the protagonists often
find themselves hungry and bored at
odd hours. On this particular
evening, the patrons find themselves
in a particularly goofy mood. The
first key passage in the evening
comes when the patrons are con-
fronted with a choice between smok-
ing and non-smoking. The conflict
is easily resolved when all three pa-
trons realize that since they do not
smoke, they probably should sit in
the non-smoking section.
The patrons are at first surprised
by the wide array of the menu. Ear-
ber inthe evening, the three had
mused that the over 500 items must
mean, "one egg, one egg with salt,
one egg with pepper, two eggs...
Confusion reigns the day, however,
in a complete breakdown of order,
reminiscent of the forest scenes in
Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's
Dream. The patrons delay their des-
tinies by asking their waitress to
come back because they have yet to
decide what to order.
Already the waitress can be seen
as the character which frames the
meal, though at this point her darker
side has yet to be revealed. Omi-
nously, she leaves this scene saying
"I'll be back before the cob webs set-
The next several passages follow
the characters as they deliberate be-
tween the over 500 items. Zog, the
one with the strong stomach, debates
between the chili and beans and a
macho chimichanga. Sarge and Alex
cringe at the thought of Zog trying
to digest these foods in his sleep. On
several occasions Sarge jokes, "I'm
not going to clean it up in the morn-
Chapter Two: The rising action
begins as the waitress returns to take
the order. Zog, taking the initiative,
orders the "Bea Arthur," a chicken
breast sandwich without a bun with
cottage cheese and a pineapple ring
on the side. At this point, Zog can
be seen as a Christ figure, sacrificing
See Alex, Page 13
1 C 4#S5 WOK
A riveting adult drama about five talented, succ
who must face the
when a friend's to